To find this situation with ex unbearable but not sure what else to do?

[cujja]

I have a two year old with my ex. We’ve been broken up a while, he left me in pregnancy and then only saw DD every few weeks for the first year. Since the first year he’s stepped up despite living several hours away. He sees her every weekend and pays more than he strictly has to, which means most expenses are covered, and he will ask if she needs anything and sort it etc. But…

Because it’s such a long drive he can’t see her in the week and then at the weekend he stays over otherwise he would be in the car an excessive amount of time if he were to drive over and back on a Saturday and a Sunday. I can’t stand him being in my home and I actually can’t even remember how it started. I think initially it meant he could see to dd in the night so I had a small break but over the last few months I’ve felt stifled by his presence. I don’t like him being in my house and using my kitchen and bathroom. I just hate it all.

I raised this recently and he basically said there’s no scope for him to move closer at the moment (no jobs have come up and he’s in a niche are). He quite cryptically says ‘well things will have to change then’ if I suggest he finds somewhere else to stay. I expect what he means by that is he would only see dd one day a week and that would mean getting there at midday and selfishly i am conflicted as I do get a bit of a break both weekend days at the moment as he is around.

I want to tell him to fork out for a hotel or bed and breakfast but then I think he will argue he shouldn’t be paying me extra. I also feel mean doing it but I feel so shit with him in my house. He’s not nasty… it’s just… he’s an ex and we do disagree/have bad feeling left over from the break up.

I am worried that if he only sees dd for half a day at the weekend then that’s on me. And it’s horrible for her because she loves seeing her dad. Do I just put up and shut up? I don’t know what to do but I’m here again this week dreading Saturday night/Sunday morning when I can’t relax in my own home.

If you would be up for it maybe suggest you stay in a hotel and ask him to split the cost. That way you get a full break and he and DD have some quality time together without him getting in your way.

@JLou08 hadnt considered that. Not sure I would want him in my house without me though…

I'd suck up the loss of him seeing her. It's not on you. It's on him. Give him a bit of notice. But say it's not now working for you, and he needs to make alternative arrangements.

Is it feasible that he could collect her every other Friday and return Sunday or you meet him half way? Your current situation is peculiar and he is not ignorant to the fact that this current arrangement inhibits you from moving on

@EG94 yes I think that could potentially work but my worry is she’s only just two (last week) and the drive for her would then be over five hours there and five back.

I could understand that. If you're close to any holiday parks maybe enthusiastically suggest DD would love a caravan stay at weekends and maybe he could look in to buying a holiday home for when he visits. It may be costly but he could look at renting it out for mid week breaks whilst he is at work.

If he chose to move away, I’d expect him to pay for an overnight b and b to facilitate his time with dc.

I think the only reasonable option really would be for you to suggest he stays in a hotel for the nights that he is there and reduces your maintenance payments by that amount (obviously not to below CMS though).

Even then though would you be happy with 2 year old staying overnight in a hotel every time? Might be difficult to take toys etc things to entertain her in a hotel? And might just not be cost effective to do it that way for either of you, if it’s anything like where we live hotels are stupid prices now and so would be £110-120 a night.

This sounds reasonable. You drive half way to meet him and he have DD at his place for a couple of nights instead.

I guess it would be EOW though so your DD could lose out

I would be cautious about setting precedents of this sort.

This is the way forward.

You aren’t really benefitting from the extra rest when you are dreading him coming and feeling so uncomfortable.

I wouldn’t countenance the notion of him being in my house while I stayed in a hotel either. Just would feel so wrong.

And it’s too far for a two year old to travel back to his place.

Let him work out what arrangements he wants to put in place - hotel/ b&b whatever.
The current set-up isn’t working and you need to take charge of your own situation and put a stop to it.

He chose to live miles away. His problem to solve

Yep, his problem. I was in a similar situation with my ex for a while and then at Christmas time he was so fucking disrespectful to me and my home, he was clearly feeling overly comfortable and it was the final straw for me.

I told him he wasn't welcome there and the onus was on him to find somewhere suitable. He spent a few months squealing about it and then found himself somewhere to live.

If he can't be bothered to find something suitable to spend time with his DC then that shows his level of commitment - when it suits him.

Did he chose or was he forced ? Maybe he couldn't get work in the area ?

I would suggest he stats in a hotel overnight Saturday but he takes the cost out of the "extra" he is giving you.

Or you travel halfway to meet him & your joint DC can stay at his. And then you travel halfway up again to collect DC the next day.

Seems fair to me.

Ugh, I can see why you wouldn't want that. Have you looked up the cost of a single room on AirBnB in your area to see how much it would be?

For him, I mean, not you.

@DoubleCoatedDogs what did your ex do in the meantime? Did he still see your child? I have found the same, he has become so comfortable, comments on how i run things in my own house etc and it enrages me! I have to bite my tongue as I just want him away from my space

Hotels and b and bs around here are 80-120 so it’s quite a lot. He does earn close to 100k though

It can't be a long term arrangement - what are you going to do if you meet another partner in the future? Have him and your ex potentially staying there together???
If he's earning that much he can afford a hotel or he will just have to see his child less often.

@cujja No he didn't. He said he didn't have anywhere suitable to have contact. This went on for months but he has now got himself a new girlfriend in very short order and moved in with her. It's doomed to disaster and I try and mitigate the worst effects of it for DC but as he pointed out, "You told me to find somewhere suitable to have DC, and I have". 🙄

There were two straws for me. One - I went out for the day to give them space to spend time together and when I got home, he'd invited his entire family round! Seven of them in my living room. I had to sit on a bean bag.

The second was when he started moving the ornaments off my living room table because they obstructed his view of the TV. That was that.

And honestly @cujja I was so stuck on trying to facilitate contact and I suddenly realised - why? He should be breaking his back to spend time with them, if he isn't doing that then why am I trying to force someone who is ambivalent at best (unless it works for him) to spend time with my child?

It's hard, because you want the DC to have both parents in their lives but if one of those parents only wants to engage when all the circumstances are in their favour, I don't think of them as being much of a parent frankly.

Do you drive? Id agree to meet halfway or you drop her and he brings her back. Id also only do this every other weekend.

Call his bluff. Why should you bend over backwards to facilitate him seeing your daughter. I would tell him he can’t stay over any more (I wouldn’t want him in my house at all) and see what he does next.
If he drops contact then you know he isn’t bothered about DD. A good father would sort out his contact arrangements, including accommodation. He earns 100k and won’t pay for a B&B?