.. to think if you don't say Yes or No, you're probably waiting for a better offer?

[Workworld]

Two of my friends will often reply to invites for things (dinner, BBQ, parties) with a non-committal 'I'll let you know' and then of course, they don't. And they more often than not, don't come.

One friend, in particular, gives me the impression she is always waiting for a better offer. It's rarely a reply like 'sorry can't make it, I have plans already that day' or 'yes I can come see you then!' It's always 'ill let you know, not sure what I'm doing that week yet etc'

Apart from being a pain when it then comes to catering for say a BBQ, not being sure on number etc but I'm wondering if it's actually rather rude?

Would you keep inviting these friends?

If they work shifts or have childcare/dependent issues that’s fair enough. If they don’t then yes it is rude and they are not your friends.

Yes it’s rude. I don’t have time to bother with people who can’t sort their shit out. If there’s a good reason, fine. But waiting for a better offer? Meh.

That said, I always over-cater so one person won’t make a difference to me logistically.

If it’s that they might have to work/parent, or they’re waiting for someone to confirm with them over other plans they’ve already made, or their physical/mental health is up & down, then I have no problem with it.

If they have absolutely no other plans or obligations, then they’re very much waiting for a better offer. Or they don’t want to come but can’t think of an excuse quickly enough.

Anything but a yes is a no.

She is a single parent to one child (13). I am a single parent to two children (similar ages, they are friends, same school etc) She works 4 days a week. I also work full time.

To be more specific, the invite for the BBQ was during a week off work for the both of us. We had previously messaged about catching up during this time. Kids welcome. She said she would let me know as she wanted to do some days out with her son but wasn't yet sure when or what.

Which is obviously fair enough.

Depends on circumstances. I can't possibly know what is going on in their lives to make an assumption that they are waiting for a better offer. And I have a philosophy of always assuming people's intentions are positive, which served me well in life. Or maybe I am just overly confident and think that my offer is the best offer. Who knows...
I work with people with chronic and unpredictable health conditions where people literally can't tell how well they are going to function day to day. One thing they universally worry about it what their friends will think about them. And I always give them reassurance that most people don't think anything sinister. I should probably check if the friends are on MN before making sweeping reassuring statements.

Just sounds like it’s someone putting their child first to me, perhaps dependent upon other family members, or maybe something else. You could also say “ let me know by ……” then you don’t have to worry about catering. Not worth falling out about I don’t think, people are just different in how they commit to events. I am very organised around dates, what I am doing, my sister is just the opposite, but we get on well, you just have to go with it.

I have a bad habit of over committing to things (and then running myself into the ground trying to do all of them). I have consciously taught myself not to say "yes" to everything, but take time to reflect on whether or not I can do it without putting too much pressure on myself.

Previously, I would just held off replying to the invitation while I thought about it (maybe for a day or 2). Nowadays, people expect a response of some sort straight away, so I would have to reply with some sort of holding message like "I need to think about it". I'm not waiting for a better offer, I'm trying to work out how many balls I am currently juggling.

Most people are able to say yes or no, or need to check their diary before telling you in advance.

People who don't want to commit and leave you hanging until the 11th hour make planning difficult.

I have a friend whose go to answer is "I'll let you know". She also happens to be the flakiest person I know and has often cancelled in the past. Yes, sometimes it's because she's double booked or waiting to see what mood she's in on the day.

It annoyed me at the start, but I've learnt over time, that it's just her, so now I invite her to things where if shes not there it doesn't matter. She's more of a spontaneous person and does things impromptu. From her point of view, she doesn't understand why people need advance notice and has complained previously why people have rejected invitations from her because they've made plans in advance.

I'm autistic sometime I need to see whether I'd have burn out by the time that day comes and I hate letting people down so I just can't commit.

To answer the question, no more invites. Regardless of whether it is waiting for a better offer or not.

Work aside (as some people may not know their rota or something) then I'd say waiting for a better offer and stop inviting them.

Mmm, I think not getting back to you in due course is rude. But no, I don't think it's necessarily about a better offer. Friends and I often say this to each other but usually with context eg "Oh, we'd love to do that but we've got a few extra dance classes and DH's parents are around - can I let you know once other plans have firmed up" for example.

Sometimes I'll say it because we are technically free that day, but I'm conscious were not free the day before and after so I need a bit of time to get my head round whether we as a family of semi-introverts can cope with that many social activities in a row.

Sometimes I'll say it because I know that DH has a habit of making plans but not having told me.

But I do ALWAYS get back and when I don't, because I've forgotten, I'm mortified and apologise immediately.

I know a few families like this.
After a number of times when they clearly prioritized other things while keeping us hanging till the last minute now I make plans only for my family, and then text others few days in advance casually informing about our plans and that they can join if they wish.
I don't have neither energy nor motivation to get everyone together at this point so I'm not inviting but merely informing.

"One friend, in particular, gives me the impression she is always waiting for a better offer. It's rarely a reply like 'sorry can't make it, I have plans already that day' or 'yes I can come see you then!' It's always 'ill let you know, not sure what I'm doing that week yet etc'"

I'd either stop inviting her, or take the piss. Along the lines of 'Are you really not sure? Or are you hoping for a better offer elsewhere? It's OK to just say no, Phyllis!'. [Other names are available!]

I think it’s obvious if people are waiting for the better offer or just struggling with forward planning.
If the latter they usually say: “Sorry I’m waiting for an appointment confirmation/ my brother texting dates of his visit/ my shifts etc etc
I should know for sure by next Tuesday. Is it ok for you? “
If they just txt: Will let you know and nothing more for ages, yes , they are waiting for the better offer.

Haha! Well... 😉

I've read through replies. Take all perspectives on board and all are helpful.

I think this friend is generally waiting for a better offer tbh. But also, I'm not offended. It's definitely not worth falling out over in case there is more to it.

My other friend in mind, does have times when I think she's a bit done in generally. I'd much rather she put herself first and take time at home if that's what she needs and isn't feeling up to socialising.

I don't think its rude. I might say that cos I want to in theory but I don't know if ill feel up to it or it'll be possible yet. I would rather not say yes and then pull out if they've planned around it. I would be more committal if ot really affected them but if im one of many I don't mind and don't think I'd mind others doing the same.

I think for me reading this there is a possibility of being oversensitive here. Bad for friendship imo.