Am the bad guy in my family....

[Hdifuhjv]

Ds is now six and I've realised that when it comes to him....and basically the bad guy while else is fun. DH does his fair share of parenting and grandparents live nearby but I seem to have basically been left with all the shit roles. I am the bedtime, teeth brushing, showering, doing homework and reading, practice musical instrumwnt; enforcing sun cream, hats and food choices enforcer. O also do social organization, book playdates and hobbies etc but obviously Ds just thinks they happen by magic. DH while he does spend lots of time with Ds will only do those when I remind him- i.e. am also a wife nag. My parents who used to enforce all of this with me - now just give Ds all the treats he likes, let him go on screens and let him play computer games to his hearts content.

I swear that Ds will grow up and already does thunk am the worst parent ever...I never set out to be the boring parent. UT if I don't get him to sit down and do his reading, it will never happen. Am honestly too tired to be fun by the time all the tasks have been fought and negotiated over. Anyone else like that? Were the kids ever grateful of your efforts?

"DH does his fair share of parenting"

"I am the bedtime, teeth brushing, showering, doing homework and reading, practice musical instrumwnt; enforcing sun cream, hats and food choices enforcer. O also do social organization, book playdates and hobbies etc"

the maths isn't mathing....

Thats what being a mum is I guess.

I mean, you could just do all the fun things, but what happens when he gets toothache or a verruca? Honestly, I don't think men actually have proper feelings like women do, otherwise how could they be like this.

Were the kids ever grateful of your efforts?

Absolutely. But not until they were parents themselves.

to add - unless your parents have taken on a significant amount of childcare where you have agreed to expect them to act like a pseudo parents, then I think it's fair enough they get to be fun nanny and pops without doing the more rubbish jobs, they have done their child raising. The other parent is the issue.

I think that just sounds like parenting.

But yeah, your DH isn't doing his fair share.

He’s not a good parent if he doesn’t proactively do those things. He’s a dad, not a fun babysitter. Tell him to buck his ideas up.

It's your DH that's the problem not your parents it's not their job to do all the things you seem to expect of them, they do get the fun stuff and can hand them back!
Your DH does not do his fair share of the parenting, you have contradicted yourself.

I obviously don't resent my parents doing fun things but they were also the parents who didn't allow us a TV when growing up because it would turn us into morons. This was in the 90s and 2000s and now I have to explain to them that violent computer games and endless screens are not good for a six year old.

Dh does all these things but only if I didn't him. So my job at home is to be the policeman of our family. Am too tired to be fun. So I leave the fun bits to othwrs...and all ds sees is that I enforce things he doesn't want to do....

How have you managed to convince yourself that your DH is doing his fair share of parenting?

Unprogramme that from your mind and sort out a fairer share.

One that includes him taking adult responsibility for his child. He shouldn't need you to remind him to do anything.

In terms of time, DH might even be spending more time with Ds as me. He somehow just doesn't think the other stuff is vital. He says that Ds doesn't want to do the stuff or he doesn't notice. I have talked to him about it and I even left some of the tasks to him but realistically if I don't remind him to read to Ds before bedtime he doesn't. If I don't tell him to do physio with him, he won't.

My main worry though is that Ds will just grow up thinking am the boring and strict one....whereas I run much of his fun life and o ly ens up stuck with the boring tasks cos no one else thinks they are important

Sounds like you need to meet in the middle. You're too much one way and he's too much the other. Who cares if he's not read to every night, he would tell DH if he needed reading to, does it matter if its not every night? I think you need to chill a bit. Allow yourself some fun.

It's like this with my ex . He does all the fun stuff . No parenting at all . MN told me about Disney dad ....

Set up a noticeboard that lists all these things - your son is getting to an age where HE can also take responsibility for doing some of these things (brushing teeth, getting someone to put his sun cream on, etc - and not automatically asking you!)
Your DH has no excuse if it’s all there in black and white, and no need for you to be ‘designated nag’.
Operate days out, etc, whereby X doesn’t happen unless A, B, C have been done.
Explain to your son why it’s important he has sun cream on, why it’s a bad idea to be on a screen all day, etc - so that he understands.

Yes, maybe the noticeboard will have to happen. Am not that draconian but last time I didn't mention it, Dh didntt read to Ds for six months, didn't do physio for three weeks till I broke. He generally seems to think parenting is keeping kids fed....and taken to school.

Erm then boring stuff is what parenting is. DH needs a swift kick uo the arse and to step up. He can start with doing bedtime.

This is laziness, not forgetfulness.

It's important you know the difference, and even more important that you let him know you recognise it.

This won't happen if you've somehow convinced yourself he's doing his 'fair share'.

Agreed but am not sure how to manage it. Seeing as DH spends so much time with Ds it's not like he isn't present.

Is that the bar here?

Just present but not parenting?

Kids are not daft. If you asked them if they had to choose who would they live with, they’d choose the one who looks after them over the fun one. Always.

You don’t have to be fun to be a good parent and it’s good your DH fills the fun role. I wouldn’t stress though if you’ve fallen into a role which feels natural to you and you don’t feel like doing ‘fake fun’ - or is it that it doesn’t feel natural to you to be doing the role you are?