Can’t spent a week with mum

[BlueCat21]

Am I just over sensitive and unreasonable?

I’m 37 with a little boy, having a week at my parents for holiday. I have alway been over weight my entire life, now 5”3 size 16. I have always been bully about weight and what I enjoy eating. Especially my mum is not easy on me when I hit puberty, she have give me diet pill, watch my weight and constant reminder of how much I should eat.

now fast forward I had child, she would give my son anything to eat, as long as he want to regardless of time of the day. For example we had disagreement over give my son ice cream at lunch time before he even eat lunch. For me that’s no no, I wasn’t allow to do that when I was kid and also yes I am big girl but I do follow eat normal meal at set time and maybe snack in between, you don’t just replace sweet food before actual meal.

well my son get different treatment, she say because I control (when we at her house) what my son eat and disagree with her, she is going to control what I eat and reminder how much I eat. I’m furious and speechless! My son can have sweet treat and ice cream as along as he have proper meal at meal time that’s all I ask and set the rule. Is not like I am not allow him anything.

at other hand, I am old enough have my own family, I don’t appreciate my mum still on me with food. I just don’t understand why can’t she leave me alone. Accept me who I am. I have accept my body after so many years, what’s is going to do with her.

if I ever bring up or try to talk to her about how her way of speaking hurt me, she say you can do whatever you want, you never listen to me, ect. Just complete blank me out.

Is just so uncomfortable to be with her. I am never good enough.

sorry for long moaning, but I feel so down and upset. She should be the one closer to me and love me regardless but I don’t feel this way.

Your child your rules.

You are not being unreasonable. You are an adult and responsible for your own decisions. Your son is your own child.

Your child your rules. if she doesn't get that just don't visit.

I wouldn't visit just based on the way she speaks and behaves towards you to be honest

I wouldn’t go if my decisions were overruled. Time to put your big girl pants on and set out how it’s going to be with your son.

Time to leave and seriously restrict access to your son with these people.
They are not adding anything positive to your life. Nothing. Add to that they seriously hold a grudge (by the sounds of it).
Show your son that you will NOT be treated like dirt by these people and pack up and leave.

Do it quietly and quickly. Stay somewhere else if you can, or return home if you can't.

You are not unreasonable in what you say, but why would you go on holiday to your mum’s house when you know she’s like this?

Go home. Go on holiday somewhere else. Surely, this can’t be fun!

That doesn’t sound much of a holiday OP.
I’d either go out without them or try to leave early.

Why are you letting someone that contributes very little to your life in a good way have such a big say in how you do things?

Quit this "holiday" from hell and have the last word by removing your son.

Have your holiday somewhere else.

Are you from the sort of family that treat boys like they are little princes but have total double standards for women? Having your own kids sometimes means you revisit many of the bad aspects of your own childhood , it’s very much your mum who is in the wrong, so it’s trying to stand up for your own children and what their needs are…you are doing a good job don’t let your mum bring you down. If you go on a have a girl you may find your mum tries to treat her like she treated you.

Exactly this, OP.
My mother is an abusive narcissist and now sits on her own in another country.
Plenty of time to think.
Your own life to live!

Hey sister! She is the same with me!
Joking apart I could have written this except that I am now a grandmother. It has stopped worrying me so intensely only lately. I don’t know why mums are so harsh with daughters, I hope I am not but mine may say different.
She still upsets me but I bite my tongue and think of something light hearted to distract me.
I don’t think people with a kind family can understand how hurtful this can be and how it impacts on you. I have no answer as I do a lot for my mum, I am good company, take her out a couple of times a week. I try to be lovely but every single time there is a very nasty comment. I clearly have not found an answer but I sincerely hope you do!
Be proud of yourself.

Pack up and go home. You can do without her negativity

Your child, your rules. Also she doesn't get to spoil him because she's the grandparent, its not fair

I’m so sorry. She clearly has a profoundly damaged relationship with food and she’s taking it out on you. And when you have reasonably tried to discuss it with her she retreats into being manipulative and defensive rather than hear you.

You deserve better, and it’s not your fault she is this way. Your body is your home - you don’t owe it to anyone to look a certain way and you aren’t less valuable because of your weight. You’re absolutely right that your mother should recognise this and love you for who you are as a person and not for the way your body is shaped.

Do what you need to to protect your peace. If that means reducing contact then do it. It’s not your fault or something you have done wrong that caused this rift. You are allowed to protect yourself and your son from this.

She's being completely unreasonable and she is deliberately winding you up on an issue she already has form for.

Do leave ASAP. I had to be firm with my own parents around my children's eating. My own history with food and weight was very painful; they forced me to eat food I didn't want all through my childhood while constantly mocking me for being overweight.

I found putting boundaries around my children that I wasn't allowed to have very healing OP (they are allowed to refuse food, no one ever put food in their mouths for them). I really encourage you to stand your ground. Be prepared to repeat yourself with a few handy phrases: in our family we save ice cream for dessert, in our family we stop eating if we have had enough, in our family everybody chooses their own food, etc.

But also wrt instances like the ice cream, if its done its done and try not to sweat it too much. The worst thing about disordered eating ime is the high level of anxiety and vigilance it creates and be prepared to pretend to be relaxed for your son's sake while quietly making plans to make sure it doesn't happen again.

She's controlling you OP. She gets a kick out of it. She's tormenting you and she likes it.

Now she's still hurting you but through your son. She knows what she is doing.

Leave.

She sounds awful and i wonder if you were overweight as a child because she overfed you like she's trying to do with your son.

She sounds like my Mother...a complete and utter narcissistic and thinking it's ok to do as she pleases with your child...absolutely not..do what I did and walk away from her...

Go home and tell her clearly why. Tell her that she is not to comment on your body or eating habits ever again, and that you will make the decisions on how you feed your child. (Not contradictory at all - because you are an adult, and your child is a child). Once she's understood that you and she will be able to see each other again.

Your mum has some very serious issues around food and control. She is projecting them onto you and it’s emotional abuse.
she knows she has done things that affect your relationship and she’s trying to focus on your son to avoid the guilt she feels for being horrible to you.
does she spend quality time with her grandchild and do things that require time and effort (like rocking him to sleep or playing games)? If she doesn’t then it’s clear she prefers to take the “easy” route to make him love her - giving him treats. That’s the way you get a short-term gain. True grandparents invest lots of their time and energy as if their grandchildren were the most important things in the world. That’s long term unconditional love.
it sounds like your mum only knows how to show conditional love.