To leave abusive partner today?

[bluebella88]

Ever since our child was born 10 months ago my partner has been very nasty and abusive.

He is just so awful to be around, he has little
input in parenting our child and I do 95% of everything.
Every little thing I do he will jump on me and tell me I am wrong or stupid and my mental health is very low.

This isn't even his place, he has his own flat but when he comes he will tell me to be quiet, to go on the other room, I feel like prisoner in my own home.

Every day is constant arguing and he will mentally terrorise me to the point where I am
in tears begging him to stop.
Yesterday he told me to go in the other room to cry my crocodile tears.

It took him ages for him to leave and I just feel so alone and depressed.

He makes me feel so bad about myself and so worthless.
I just can't take anymore.

He will argue with me about the smallest things like telling me I'm stupid because I won't allow him to feed water to our baby with a bottle instead of a cup trainer.

I am on Sertaline because of the stress he causes me and I have also developed acid reflux which my doctor suspects is due to stress as I had loads of blood tests done and an Endoscopy done.

He will constantly moan about me not wanting to have sex with him and how he is a sex addict, I literally do everything and I have no energy for sex.

I feel really down today and yesterday he when I was sobbing he was recording me on his phone and said he would report me to social services as I was an unfit mother.

I am just so broken and don't know what to do.

Are you serious?

She has to tell her abuser to 'lighten up'?

Yep, That'll work...

WTF is wrong with you?

Anyone that posts on a thread like this with a post like that isn't a 'nice person' in my view

What help is that to a distressed OP?

Thankfully she's already had some excellent advice

Get the locks changed today, even if you are supposed to get permission from housing association it isn't the end of the world and I'm sure they'll understand.

Let the local police know that you are scared of his reaction when he finds out you are done.
Give them a statement explaining why.

Keep in contact with woman's aid.

Do not let him in! If he kicks off outside call the police.

Call your HA and say you need to change the locks. Call the police if he tries to break in. Can you have someone stay with you to help you feel safer.

I’ve lived in housing associations you can change the locks probably cost anywhere between 50/£80 but you need to do that today. You can tell them after why or just say you lost them if you don’t want to. You can’t have any reason like that to stop you making the decision you need to make. It will never end otherwise. You and your baby need to be safe.

Ive been there with kids it’s harder to let go and you hold onto glimmers of hope.

I made threads like these over the years hoping someone would tell me it could be different whilst validating he is treating me bad. Been there I’m now out of it after 8 years. It’s not worth trying I wish I left when my children were babies they are still young but it really was a wasted time. What happens is you will live in hyper vigilance wrecking your nervous system and won’t be present for your child. This is something that upsets me now I feel I can’t remember so much as I was just treading on egg shells.

It affected my health too I was going to hospital regularly and my health issue vanished after the relationship ended.

I feel so messed up from it all emotional and verbal abuse does a number on you. It’s easy to think well it’s just words but trust me OP they do not get better. You may have a few good days here and there but the worst days get worse. You said he started filming you crying that is messed up. My ex went on to break things and cheat on me whilst getting more and more emotionally abusive then in front of our children before it ended.

Get out now you have a place, ring a lock smith it would be done in a day. Don’t tell your ex he isn’t magically going to be nice to you it will be worse like others have said and the time where it will if it’s going to become dangerous.

change locks - tell housing of the situation - ring women’s aid again. Make sure it’s all logged and ring 101 police if he starts to kick off so there are aware and it’s all logged.

Phone the landlord and ask them that you’ve split from your abusive partner and he has a key and need emergency lock changes…. Request they do this on an emergency.

They will do this as they have a duty of care, in all the HA and council I partner with they will do this free of charge.

While on the phone to them request to speak to their DV team.

Phone the police and advise you have split from your partner who is mentally abusive and your worried he may escalate his abuse behaviour towards you.

Phone woman’s aid and give an update.

Apologies. Posted too soon.

Once you have done all this , text your abusive partner and advise that the relationship is over and he is no longer welcome/allowed to your home….

if he ups his abuse contact the police, this will then give you grounds to have your housing banding re-assessed and you maybe eligible for a priority re-housing due to DV.

Wait for him to turn up, once he starts shouting call 999 ask the police to attend and remove him from YOUR home. Make sure they take the key off him. If he tries to return again and do the same again. He won't be able to get in at least. Then speak to women's aid and let them know you've had him removed by the police, taken the key off him and your in danger of him returning-this will kick start moving you safely.

This sounds awful for you OP. You definitely need to get rid of him ASAP. Can you ring the HA today and see if you can get the locks changed? Can you stay with family for a bit?

I think a plan could look like :

1. Ring HA and get locks changed.
2. Speak to the police and log that you are leaving an abusive man - they may be able to help.
3. Speak to Women's Aid again and outline your plan, they may have advice/help.
4. Take valuable belongings and paperwork (just in case) and visit family for a few days.
5. Text him and tell him it's over and the locks have been changed.
6. Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. It has info and also practical advice.

It may also be a good idea to speak to a solicitor (maybe Women's Aid can help on whether you might be entitled to legal aid) regarding contact for DC.

Call a locksmith, get the locks changed. Send him one text to say you’ve ended it and he is not to come over at all. Then block him on every social media phone what’s app.

Call the police non- emergency line and explain that, whilst he has not been physically abusive you’re concerned that it could escalate. They will have a record of that. If he comes around and bangs on the door then just call 999 straight away. Explain you called the non emergency line earlier and give them a reference. The police will be able to assist you.

You can call women’s aid for support and remember there are other listening services such as Mind and Samaritans.

I agree with this.
Tell the Police you’re going to end an abusive relationship. Speak to womens aid.
Change locks.

You must make sure you end the relationship in the safest way. He might get worse once you end things.

Please take care of yourself and your little one OP.

Contact your housing association to get advice re: changing locks. In the meantime do not let him in, keep the doors locked. If you have a trusted neighbour advise them what you are going to do so they can keep an eye out for him kicking off. You are being coercively controlled by this vile man. You could also talk to a police officer who has a responsibility for coercive control so you are on their books in case he causes problems. People will be keen to help you so this does not escalate, especially as you have a young baby. Keep a record of all communication with him, just in case it's needed.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

You don't have to live like this.

Please get support while you're going through this.

Please contact Womens Aid for immediate advice so you can make a safety plan. You and your baby deserve better than this x

Not helpful.

You say you have no support or family where you are. Do you have support elsewhere?

I know you should not have to leave your home, but given the fact you share a child, it’s going to be tricky. My instincts would be telling me to get as far away from him as possible without letting on that I am leaving.

He doesn’t sound safe to be around a baby.

Is there anyone who you could turn to? Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. You have not done anything wrong.

How did it go with op?

I am so so sorry you are experiencing this. My partner didn't behave as abusively as your partner, but he did become abusive as soon as the baby was born. I left him because I know me and my child deserve better!

I really want to tell you that you and your child deserve much better too! Life as a single parent with a baby seems daunting, but you have your own flat and you can get lots of advice from the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and Women's Aid. They helped me through the first difficult month.

You need to separate from this horrible abusive person as soon as you feel safe to do so. I am thinking of you and sincerely hope you and your child become free of this abuser.

.

Hi
Just an update, I was placed on Band 2 in the council that I applied for and bidded on a house and I have now won a bid on a 2 bed house!

I am so happy and this will truly be a fresh start and for me to be finally free of him once and for all.

I will be closer to friends and family and will finally be happy again and free to live my life how I want to live it without him abusing me.

I think because it is a new build property it won't be available immediately but I am just over the moon to be getting away from him.

Thanks to everyone for the support!

Urghh this makes my blood boil and I've been there. Change your locks and absolutely blank him. He's no 'father' doing this to you, he's simply a sperm donor. Don't engage. If he takes you to court, so be it. No court is going to judge you for crying or being emotional, and when my exH tries this the recording is inadmissible in court anyway. (Mine used to push me and shout 'get off me' pretending I was attacking him). It would be easy to assume he was a complete chav. He was an extremely highly paid professional who I now know was a) having a mid life crisis b) having an affair c) terrified of being found out and losing access to his children and d) ultimately a coward and scared to death of my (now) husband, who could boot his arse faster than he could run.
I managed to maintain dignity in front of my children, and they have grown up just fine. You'll be OK.

That's great news. I'd keep the move a secret so that he doesn't try and talk you out of it!

Start organising things so that all you have to do is leave. Packing anything important just in case you need to leave anything behind.

As he has his own flat then it's not like he won't have anywhere to go.

Fantastic update!

A new house close to support network will be brilliant.