To hate borrowing toys

[Mamabear04]

I actually hate borrowing toys from other parents. It's happened for the second time now and I think I dislike it so much because it's always from people I'm not actually close friends with.

DD left nursery a few weeks ago and had formed a close friendship with another little girl. Because DD struggled so much with starting nursery I thought it would be a nice transition to arrange a play date before she started school so she didn't lament the change. We met up for a play date and the girls had fun but then DD friend insisted on giving her a toy to borrow and both I and OP said we didn't think it would be a good idea but DD got very upset and OP and DD friend insisted we take this toy home. She then suggested meeting the week after for a play date as DD friend's swimming lesson hasn't started back after the summer and that's the only time we can meet. Because of this I said OK as I don't really intend to see them again because it's so hard to find time now DD has started school and we are always busy at the weekend. I text the day before and OP replied saying she had forgot because we only made semi plans and has now made plans. I'm just so annoyed because now we still have this toy and if DD remembers about the play date she's going to be so upset. AIBU?

Can you not just drop thr toy round if having it is making you so anxious? Doesn't have to be a play date

I think you’re making an unnecessarily big deal of this. If they want the toy back, surely it’s on them to drop over and get it. I wouldn’t even have given it a 2nd thought

YANBU, it’s a pain - it just gives you the headache of keeping it safe and remembering to return it.

I think it’s ok to have a really firm policy on this. You can explain it to your daughter in advance of play dates in case anyone lends her a toy so she knows it’s not allowed, and then if another parent offers you can stick to your guns and say you don’t share toys. It might cause your daughter some upset - that’s ok. You can support her through feelings of disappointment while holding the boundary.

YANBU but I think you are overthinking it. Just put the toy somewhere where DD can’t see it for now and give it to them the next time you see them or drop it round to them if you’re passing near their house some time.

I don't know what possessed me to say yes, I knew this was going to happen. Usually I am very firm with my yes and no's but because OP suggested meeting the week after and also because DD had had a very emotional week with leaving nursery etc I thought it would be OK.

I also admit that OP seems to be a very gentle parent and gives the kid whatever they want really (or so it seems) so I maybe fell into the trap of not wanted to come across as the hard parent when DD was so upset (yes yes I know this is terrible parenting on my behalf)

I think I'll have a talk with DD and set this rule in place

You should have taken toy and handed it back if you didn't want to borrow it.

But I now think you're using said toy as a distraction to your real feelings - and that's that they have let you down last minute re play date. And that is something I would be annoyed about!

Thanks will do this. The annoying thing is that I don't even know where they live! I suggested a house play date and OP wanted to meet at the park! Otherwise I would just drop it off and be done with it!

YANBU, but you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Message the other parent to say you still have this toy and to let you know where to drop it off, then put it away until she gets back to you.

Tell your DD the playdate is cancelled this time and deal with any upset. It's not the end of the world if your DD is disappointed. That's an emotion she should get used to dealing with!

I hate this too.

I think the best thing in future it to be insistent and maybe mention to the other parent quietly it's something you are working on with DD - that she can sometimes struggle with the idea of only playing with toys and not taking them home (whether true or not!) and that you're trying to teach her to become more comfortable with leaving a place and the toys there behind. That way you're not seeming ungrateful but explaining it's a teaching moment that's necessary.

You can say it's really kind but it's better for DD to get used to the fact she can't take things home that aren't hers. That it's ok that she's upset but we aren't taking anything back and we have plenty of toys at home. Then carry/hurry her out crying if needed, before there's time for debate, while remaining upbeat, polite and grateful for a nice time.

It is really annoying that now you have to remember the toy, keep an eye on it, make sure it's looked after and now arrange a play date you didn't actually want. I generally find lending things uncomfortable anyway.

Also it really is true that we do not l let children be sad often enough.

It's understandable a child is sad about leaving when they were having a nice time with their friends and toys. It's not a bizarre reaction at all. As we get older we learn to manage the feelings and they're not as intense but it's a perfectly normal emotion to feel. I feel a little sad when I leave a place I'm enjoying.

Emotions are useful. As she grows up, that feeling teaches her what she likes and values and encourages her to take actions to maintain friendships that give her joy so she can continue spending time with people. The feeling is unpleasant at the time but even unpleasant emotions are useful and they pass. To always jump to fixing it and making them happy again, like this other parent did, is to teach children that negative emotions are to be feared and avoided. Sometimes they don't need to be fixed. It's ok that they're just there for a while.

I say this somewhat hypocritically as it's also my automatic instinct to do the same sort of fixing with my own child and it's very challenging to notice and stop myself.

I think your best bet is swift goodbyes once the tears happen and help DD through it once you're alone.

I think You’re overthinking it. It’s just a toy and I’d assume it’s not a toy they massively care about getting back. Most houses with kids have far more toys than they really need or are going to keep track of and they’re not all sentimental. I wouldn’t be surprised if giving kids toys after playmates is just an easy way for the mum to try and declutter as I’m sure she knows toys can get lost and broken and there’s no guarantee of getting it back. If the mum really wanted it back she’d be arranging to meet you and taking the lead on that. Put the toy away and intend to give it back when you next see them, but don’t worry massively about when that is and even if you never see them again, it’s only a toy.

Also want to add that I agree it's not gentle parenting. It is permissive parenting and is an excellent example of the difference between the two.

Permissive parents give her the toy to stop her crying.

Gentle parents absolutely do not give her the toy but also do not shame her for being sad. They allow her to be sad and help her through it while never at any point entertaining the idea of giving her the toy.

What gentle parents don't do is tell her to stop whining, call her spoilt, tell her if she keeps crying she won't come again and generally tell her off for being upset. That's the gentle part. NOT letting her get what she wants.

Your daughter got upset because her friend gave her a gift and you told her she couldn't have it!

You don't need to have a firm no 'lending' or giving rule. Sit with your DD and ask her to put away any toys she absolutely wants to keep, then if she wants to swap toys she's less likely to be upset.

I also don't think you need to insist she never accepts toys from friends. Just have a quiet word with the parent and ask if it's ok.