Racist new mother in law

[punkyKat]

New step mother in law or whatever you put it is a racist, sharing and writing awful things on social media/in person I can't tolerate this and unfortunately it's causing conflict. I can't stand there and allow the kids to hear this and think that's okay so I stand up for what is right. Husband thinks I need to tone it down AIBU?

Tone it down? What are you doing/saying?

I’d probably unfollow her on Facebook and see her less.

No.

Just to understand the relationship, has your FIL remarried? How often do you usually see them? I'd be minded to go no/low contact and unfollow from social media.

Your husband wants you to tone it down because you speaking up makes him feel
uncomfortable and awakened wrt to his new stepmom, his dad and maybe even himself.

In a toss up between his discomfort and putting up with racist shit, I’d choose the former each and every time.

Sorry you’re married to such a wimp :(

Don’t engage and avoid her - if you have to see her in person be polite but keep your distance - if she starts when you are with her, challenge her politely then walk away as she will probably try to justify herself

Block / mute / unfollow on social media, obviously. If she asks why, tell her. (If the kids hear, so much the better).

There's no reason the kids should think it's ok just because one person in the family comes out with that stuff - especially if everyone else in the family makes it clear that they don't believe it is. They're going to hear racist views eventually. Racist people are everywhere, and they have to be someone's grandparents. But the biggest influence on how they think is you. I had one racist grandparent and three not; I'm not.

A good response to people like this is "I hope you're not saying that to me because you think I agree with you". With a slightly confused expression. Again, if the kids hear, good. Beyond that, don't engage. Don't get into arguments, but also don't soft-pedal the fact that you disagree. I think the kids will end up taking your view of things.

I would just 'fact check' each post

And comment. Who sent you that rubbish. People will think you believe it

Another good response to the racist comments in person is to repeat them back repeatedly in increasingly disbelieving tones. "Let me get this straight, are you actually saying xyz? You honestly think xyz? You thunk xyz?" With overly dramatic disbelief/"I didn't realise people still believed xyz! REALLY?!"

All of this

It's hard for my husband as his mum died and he's not over it. This is first partner since she passed 8 years ago they been together a year. Oh I'm outspoken because I stand for what is right.

You could call the cops on her which would be what she deserves.

i had this and actually asked her to stop or leave as her grandchild was not being brought up in that manner. She stopped and if it happened again i just needed to give the look and change the conversation. For a very intelligent lady she was very uneducated in this area! it worked in the end.

I think what would really annoy her is you saying she can't think for herself,and has been reading propaganda online designed for 'sheeple'. That will really piss her off.

You can't argue with stupid, so don't. Just say you aren't going to engage with that sort of thing and don't want your kids hearing it, but are happy to discuss other things.