To have lost it with my husband

[weasley21]

Background info - I work as a nurse in end of life care. I work 18 hrs a week. He works in a managerial role 36 hours a week on paper and probably around 40 (no extra pay for those hours)

My daughter is 7 and deaf. She wears hearing aids with varying degrees of usefulness at times. My 5 year old is currently referred to asd service. Speech delayed and generally a bit behind his peers.

My son has had lots of toileting accidents this week culminating in lots of extra baths and clothes to be washed.

My husband goes out on his bike cycling every Wednesday evening. He came in from work yesterday and I happened to mention Tesco's where booked to bring food 5-9 and I was hoping it would be closer to 5 than 9 as I would love to get the kids to bed and relax in my pj's. His response was "sure what else would you be doing" I responded with oh I don't know maybe relaxing in the hour I get to myself once a week?! He could tell I was visibly annoyed with him and tried to say it was just a joke.

This has really bothered me to the point now that we haven't spoken since this happened yesterday 5pm. AIBU?

He's trying to gloss over it like nothing has happened.

I get that he earns the majority of the money for our family but I do everything in the house except load the dishwasher after dinner. We have no childcare from grandparents so literally never get a break. I love going to work to get a break from being mum and I enjoy my work. Do I need to apologise or was I totally sane

I can't see that you did anything wrong.
Don't apologise.

By the way thank you. My mum died recently and the hospice nurses were so lovely.

Argh I'm tearing up the memories 😢

You're exhausted, overworked and being taken for granted. I'd be pissed, too, and I would definitely be demanding some massive changes. Why on earth are you doing nearly everything?

@HowIrresponsible so sorry about your mum. Hope you have lots of lovely memories of your lovely mum. Such a hard thing to go through.

@Aquamarine1029 I think he thinks that's taking an hour to sort out the recycling or cut the grass is benefit for the whole family

Sorry for your loss

No he was being an arse and should be apologising to you!

Thank you for the job you do,it must be unbelievably hard to do but the job you do is an amazing help to so many.

I do thanks 💐

But don't ever feel as you don't contribute enough, your job is so emotionally draining that you need every bit of spare time you can get if any.

No need to apologise he deserved the reprimand.

Thank you @ChewbaccasMrs it's hard but the ability to help people at such a hard time makes it worthwhile. Very rewarding

@HowIrresponsible thank you. I think sometimes he looks at my pennies wages compared to his and thinks my job is worthless! It's very frustrating.

Shan't be apologising then. Mumsnet has spoken!

Fair enough OP. I know silent treatment from either party isn’t healthy but sometimes me not saying anything is preferable to losing my shit, until we can both have an adult conversation. It’s that that counts.

I am the higher earner by a long way. That means f all. It’s a team effort all round.

Your job is invaluable. Death comes for us all and end of life care is so important.

I wonder if you let that comment hang he'd realise what a nasty thing it was to say, fair play for disallowing him to pretend its an OK comment to make

@Greally you've summed it up well. I can't say anything nice right now 

Will maybe try and speak to him tomorrow but the summer holidays don't half highlight how much you appreciate the kids being in school!

@HowIrresponsible sadly you're right! Anything we can do to make it easier is a bonus eh?

@CLola24 yes I'm not sure snapping back was the correct response really but I had just had enough that day! Wouldn't life be easier without them sometimes

Lose it harder!

Make him help. He doesn't get to clock off if you're still going. Can you pay for any help?

@takealettermsjones we could but with both children needing a bit extra help than you're average child it's hard to find anywhere. When they're at school it's a little easier as I get two mornings a week to get caught up on things at home while they're at school as my shifts are 8-2 3 days a week. Homework's etc takes longer than what you'd expect with any other child due to my daughter's deafness. Everything's just a bit slow sometimes you know!

It sounds to me like you over reacted to what was obviously a joke. But no need to apologise - just move on.

No, don't apologise. I'm sure he thought he was making a funny joke 🙄 but it was insensitive and shows that he has no idea the mental and physical load you're carrying! Maybe you should let him shoulder some of the work - doing some laundry, helping with homework, putting the kids to bed so you can have some time to decompress and go for a walk or a coffee somewhere and sit and read a book for an hour? Your work takes so much mental and physical energy - my best friend is a district nurse and while end of life care feels like a privilege to help someone have a peaceful and dignified death, she finds witnessing the grief and distress of the families hard. You also have some challenges with your own lovely children which adds to your workload. You're a bloody superwoman! 💐

When is your evening off to do your hobby? Hmm.

Not speaking for over 24hrs because of a minor off hand comment is ridiculous and your children will be feeling it.

It's not fair on them. Tension in the house is a horrific thing for children to feel.

You both need to be the bigger person, one of you apologise and stop being over sensitive as it sounds like you both work hard and have a lot going on.

Be a team, not competitors.

How you reacted was fine.

The no talking since yesterday is not.

We never let things drag on like this.

100%. I meant maybe the other stuff - cleaning, laundry, meal boxes etc. 💐

Why do you do everything in the house?

The way you have described it I can't actually understand what he meant.

It sounds like he was saying 'makes sense, you didn't have any other plans this evening, did you?' .

But from how annoyed you are I suppose it must have been more like 'sure, that's all you ever do anyway'.