Dear All
I need some advice...
I’ve posted about my situation with my ExDP before under different username, and I’m seeking some guidance. ExDP left approx. 1.5 years ago for OW who was a functioning addict (noone knew about his addiction to start with). For over a year, he has been asking to return home, he loves us, misses us and needs help to get better.... After months of drama, he has finally managed to leave OW and has supposedly been trying to get better. Well.... there has been no significant change and in fact I believe he has gone worse. He is officially staying at his parents’ house, but in reality, he’s staying at friends’ places every night, with only his stuff remaining at his parents. Most of his friends use cocaine as well.
A month ago, I went fully no contact with him. Two weeks ago, after further emotional damage caused to DC, I decided to halt visitation. His family agreed, though some were reluctant. Given his track record of inconsistent contact, abandoning DC midway through visits, and causing arguments while clearly struggling with his addiction, I felt this was necessary. He hasn’t contributed to parenting responsibilities, like feeding DC or ensuring schoolwork is completed. He even blamed me for stopping him from driving DC due to safety concerns. During contact he would often be irritated or fall asleep...I could write a book about the stunts he has pulled.
I’ve set clear boundaries with him and his family (who were supervising visits). The issue arose when DC was scheduled to spend a week with their grandparents and cousins. I asked if contingencies were in place in case the ex showed up, as he often disregards rules. My MIL responded that they can’t prevent him from arriving, but reassured me that DC wouldn’t be too upset as there would be other people there. My concern is that I’ve made it clear that no contact between the exDP and DC should occur until he proves he’s clean from drugs. If he doesn’t comply, he can take legal action he has threatened me with on many occasions.
MIL’s response was that excluding him could push him further down a destructive path. I’ve reached out to various organizations and, following their advice, sent MIL a calm message explaining that while I understand their need to support their son, the safety and well-being of DC must be our priority. I can’t trust them to keep DC safe if they won’t set boundaries with the exDP. They haven’t enforced any limits on him, and he continues to live without responsibility or accountability. No rent to pay, comes and goes as he pleases, disappears for days at the time.... All of this is not brought up in order to keep the peace. As soon as anything is mentioned, he storms out and doesn't return.
I’m concerned that DC will miss out on important family time, but I can’t risk their safety. I don’t want to damage my relationship with MIL and the rest of the family, who have been an essential part of our lives. However, I feel they’re enabling the ex’s behaviour and not addressing the situation with the seriousness it demands. They seem unwilling to take a stand, which might allow the situation to continue unresolved.
AIBU? What should I do to balance protecting my child while managing these family dynamics? I had legal advice which confirmed that in this situation it is lawful to withhold contact from exDP and to be honest, he doesn't seem to bothered either.
*Added by MNHQ at the request of the OP - I don't want to stop DGPs from having contact. Just not at their house or holiday location due to ex.