Family party /pils will be there, not seen them for 6 years fil thinks he can talk me round.

[Cantavoid]

There la a family party coming up on dh side and I want to go. I really like some of dh relatives and I've not seen them for a long time due to covid /logistics.
However it means running the gauntlet of pils.
I decided after 20 years of basically being spoken down to, rudeness, patronising etc I didn't want to see them.
Dh had issues with them also and doesn't see them.
We know if it wasn't for the children they wouldn't have bothered with us because dh is such a disappointment to them. We definitely felt they held their noses to tolerate us because our dc are their only gc.
They have been so rude to us in the past like when we were speaking to them if we bumped into them out and about they couldn't wait to get rid of us. If we bumped into my family it would be happy surprise do you want to have lunch or have a quick coffee.
Ie they don't want to socialise with us at all.

Fil has never liked me and barely seems to like dh but what gets me is he thinks by "saying" words he is doing what he should do and he's perfectly reasonable. I think he also soley blames me for dh not engaging anymore. He presents himself as entirely reasonable and normal.
Mil is another story entirely!

Sorry for being long. My issue is I hate the way he talks to me, looks at me and no matter how he asks, how are you, in a cold hard way I know he doesn't give the slightest dam how I am.
He thinks he can talk me around, schmooze me, and therefore unlock the key to the grandchildren.

My problem is I still carry anger for how they treated me personally and dh, the way he phrases things triggers me. I don't want to be rude and cause a scene.. He's very bullish and if I walk away there is a chance he will follow or I may even be sat next to him at the dinner part.

Ok I think you need to go along, but beforehand have a repertoire of phrases to cover the annoying/rude things he says. “Oh dear, I’m sure you didn’t mean to sound rude but …. etc etc”, “oh no FIL, I don’t remember it like that…”, you get the drift. Wide eyed and unflappable, that’s how you want to be. Don’t have a drink so you can stay completely in control of what you say and do. And remember, if he is as unpleasant as you say, you won’t be the only one who sees this. Deep breath and keep repeating in your head that you’re there to catch up with all the people that you enjoy spending time with.

If it’s a family function, just attend. Others probably aren’t worried about how you relate to certain family members,

Definitely still go, and have some responses of stock phrases you can use as replies when he speaks.

That's an interesting perspective.
How lovely.
Oh excuse me I must go to the ladies/sort DC/refill my drink.
That's a shame you feel that way. (Shrug)

Grey rock him.
Picture him wearing clown shoes.
Plot you've been framed style moments happening to him.
Avoid him as much as you can.

And most of all enjoy catching up with others you are actually looking forward to seeing.

However much he schmoozes or follows you on the day, you will be safe in the knowledge you won't be answering any calls from him the second the event is over.

Who’s organising it? Can you speak to them in advance and ask that they ensure you aren’t sat with fil? Do they see the gc now?

If we bumped into my family it would be happy surprise do you want to have lunch or have a quick coffee. Ie they don't want to socialise with us at all.
I never do this, am I supposed to? If I'm out it's because I'm either doing multiple chores or it's time sensitive.

Fil has never liked me and barely seems to like dh but what gets me is he thinks by "saying" words he is doing what he should do and he's perfectly reasonable.
I don't get it, isn't he trying to keep things civil and be polite?

You haven't actually posted anything damming so I suspect you just don't like them for whatever reason and nothing they can do or say will change your mind. I also suspect you and FIL are quite similar which is why you butt heads.

Go to the party. Talk to everyone else. Nod and smile at PIL, then move to next table. You don't have to like everyone in life, but you can be civil.

Some good responses thank you.

Stock phrases are good, I've always felt I want to say more but I need to get into that disengaged space.
@INeedAnotherName I think this would completely depend on your circumstances, how often you see family and so on.

In our circumstances and where we have seen them I find it intolerably rude.

Re being civil, maybe that's what he thinks, I absolutely hate my dil, son is a write off but I'll try and be civil and hold my nose 🤣

@Cherrysoup no I can't really because they may ask why and it's a big long story and I don't want to be in a position where I feel I'm justify myself.
They may also tell him which would make him even more determined!!

"This is a family function with many people we, as a family, like and want to catch up with. You [& MIL] are not one of those people."

"Please stay away from us, we do not want to engage with you and are here to see other people. Do not spoil this event by throwing a tantrum and making it all about you"

Stripy they don't take no for an answer and that would make him even more determined to see our poor children. They always act like they feel sorry for our children.
They do seem to organise themselves into a pincer movement, fil will talk at us and pin us down whilst mil gets to the children , usually a mad push to get them to her house.

As another poster said, there is no behaviour that you've pointed to, where they have actually said anything wrong (by your own admission "they say all the right words" (or similar)). It sounds like you could be reading more into the situation than actually exists. Do they have a different socio-economic background to you? It seems you are fairly disdainful of them (reference them holding their nose etc)....which is why I ask this question. Sadly, it makes it sound like you have a chip on your shoulder and that you're determined not to try to find common ground with them.

No way in hell anyone would talk/look/try to engage my children if we (me and husband) had nothing to do with them.
do your children see the grandparents even though you and your husband have zero to do with them? Have I got that right that your DH doesn’t see them either?
in my case it is my GP I am nc with, they will never see my children in the form of they are GGP, we may be in the same room (funeral/wedding) but they will never have the opportunity to talk to them. Likewise with me. I wouldn’t even entertain a hello. My children know them as my parents parents, not GGP (they know who they are to see)

if you want nothing to do with IL, you will have to take that stance as otherwise they can’t see there is an issue? And they can’t be all that bad if you allow DC to spend time with them.

Just go to the party and speak to the people you do want to see? Quick hello to the pils - if, as you say, they can't wait to get away from you and dislike you so much, then you won't have to spend a lot of time talking to them?

Such drama!!

Actually I wouldn't go but arrange a get together with those relatives you really like, separately.

It's hard to give advice when you haven't said what it is that they have done, all you have pointed out is percieved slights and that you think they don't like you. Like someone else said, from what you have written it just sounds like you have some sort of inferior complex as there are no actual examples of being mistreated by your PILs. Sometimes when we have a complex for something we assume that others think the same way we do about it but most people don't really care.

If there is a risk of you getting triggered and blowing up on the party then don't go. It's not fair on the person holding the party. If you think you can let it go for one night then go and try and avoid them as much as possible.