The psychology behind clichéd comments

[Socialmediamakespeopleunhealthilycompetitive]

Many times I've heard a version of the following comments made
To expectant parents "you'll never sleep again", "forget ever seeing friends again" or "you've got to support your child now you know"
Or to someone looking to change career
"What about (insert children's names)/yiur.mortgage/what are you going to do 9f it.doesmt.work out"
These seem underneath to me to be attempts to control, to set the psychological scenery in which the otherwise free actor lives. There were also massive amounts of psychologically controlling comments on this website during the Covid lockdowns, people trying to link any behaviour regarded as socially indulgent or plain enjoyable, like eating a chocolate bar to Covid deaths

If we're in the same page with this, I think it has to do with 'playing by the rules'. There are, of course, no rules. These just exist in the heads of the people who say it, based on what they see as 'the norm'.

So, 'the rules' of having a baby state that you must no longer have sleep/a life etc, and they want the make sure that you don't try to be different.

They played by 'the rules', so so must you, otherwise it's not fair.

There must be a word to describe this, but I see it a lot with certain people.

I think the closest thing I can think to describe this is 'schadenfreude', though I don't think this is actually it. It's related though.

The clichés that I hate the most are those 'smoothing' ones.

Say I have a big job to do which involves some complicated tech and content to master, or an interview, or something stressful ahead.

I do not want to hear:

1. I'm sure you'll be fine. Eh? How how are you 'sure'?
2. You'll smash it. How old are you? Twelve?
3. I reckon you'll have that done in no time, and make it seem easy! Oh fuck off, you vacuous muppet. I've told you there are six hours of online tech tutorials to get through.

It's about the 'smoother' not being bothered, really, but pretending they are.

Your examples, OP, are more interesting. Do the people saying them really care? Do they have a stake in the outcome? Is it need to assert control, or pretend interest taking place at a slow processing speed?

I hate the “smoother” ones because it reminds me I’m on my own if / when I fail. They’re saying: I won’t contemplate your failure, because it is uncomfortable for me, and I won’t be on your side if you do. As I know I might, it makes me feel very lonely

Really interesting responses, thanks. I wonder if we are identifying 2 psychological phenomenae here
(i) Controlfreude- obviously a made up portmanteau. This applies to the "you'll never sleep again" type. What lies behind it, t seems to me is this. In some aspect the vocaliser has had an experience they did not like, and a situation where they didn't feel in control. Another example. I spoke to a friend many many years ago who had finished their degree, I had still to do my final exams as I was younger and doing a longer course, The comment was "you're going to have a. shit final year" with the emphasis, and a hint of glee on the word shit. Ditto another person I know who would persistently make comments about aspects of other people's appearance (the utterer was relatively slim with thick hair) where they felt they held a superior trump card. The speaker was one of the unhappiest ad east secure people I have met.

(ii) The smoother comments. Emotional defusing. So instead of taking the risk of being asked to provide emotional support, lets say if you think your loved one might not get better, your house will be repossessed or you won't get that job, they say the "I'm sure + desired outcome" formula, with the word anyway and a conversational diversion in mind

Both persist, perhaps because they are so common (and lack a name) that they fall beneath the radar

I'm sorry to hear this, but unfortunately you're right, in the case of people who say this. I wonder if there's some new tv drama to be made with people who actually do this stuff, so it could be publically identified? I live in a small village in a rural area and there are all kinds of damaging social cliches (peaking of course in Covid) on the social media groups. Others enable it because they don't call it out

Be kind

It's people who don't have anything useful to say so they say something they've heard. when I was young people I hardly knew would say things like Smile, it'll never happen. I thought I had what is now called resting bitch face!

Took years to realise they just wanted to speak to me, but had nothing charming or interesting to say!

It's not, because random people making cliched comments really don't care and they're not trying to compete. They're making generic statements that they've been socialised to say on that situation.

It's tiring to micro analyse every benign word or sentiment, OP.

I agree - I think it's just that most people (including me) have shit banter so they /we just roll out the cliches to get through the conversation

It's the "But what about..?" comments that get my goat. I'm on expat forums and whenever someone asks a question but clearly hasn't moved abroad yet, people always ask "What about your kids/aged parents/ job prospects" etc etc as if it would never have occurred to the questioner to think about these things. The best one is "How's your French?" - because clearly nobody moving to France could know that they speak French there, and that their own familiarity with the language might therefore be relevant.

Some people just like to be the expert and put other people down. Others who come out with the "But what about..?" are possibly well meaning but have never stepped outside of their comfort zone for fear of the sky falling in. They don't like being challenged (by othet people's projects) because their whole worldview is on the line.

Yes, I see that here too on posts where someone says they’re thinking of relocating from a city so somewhere rural and asking for advice on schools or neighbourhoods. Cue loads of people ignoring the questions and instead telling the OP that they won’t be cut out for rural life.

It's easier to roll out a stock phrase than say something thoughtful or original. It's like the cards you have to sign at work for congratulations or condolences.

The baby related ones though - I think some delight in taking the wind out of your sails a bit. Also they feel like they know everything about parenthood because they've been through it or know someone who has. A bit like the whole of MN 😆

I wonder if they derive in part from the social unacceptabiliyy of admitting openly that someone might feel their own lacks or losses jn life all the more keenly when hearing of others successes. It's also I think down to this awful post Thatcher/Reagan idea that everything good or bad that happens in someone's life (with only some exclusions) are down to their own abilities and industry.

Ego centrism - people assume what happens to them will be universal to everyone.

Pessimism - people who had a miserable experience are just pessimistic in general when they say negative things.

Norms - they don’t know what else to say and just say the first, most common phrases that come to mind to fill awkward silences.

They’re jealous and want you to be worried or scared about an upcoming event, life is full of competition!

I think you're exactly right. (And also that Thatcher would have rubbed shoulders with enough public schoolboys to realize, at least privately, that success and merit aren't necessarily correlated!) Personally I like to hear stories of genuine success (i.e. not the kind that's due to nepotism) because it shows what's theoretically possible. I was going to add that it's only the success of people I can't stand that upsets me, but actually I take a perverse sort of pleasure in it sometimes because it galvanizes me into action.

I think you're talking about variations on social stroking, @Socialmediamakespeopleunhealthilycompetitive. As PPs have said, all the comments mentioned above are formulaic remarks uttered to demonstrate acknowledgement, that's all.

If you try to pick up on it, say "What makes you sure I won't sleep?" you're forcing them into a corner, where they have to either deliver a treatise on parental sleep deprivation or awkwardly backtrack.

Formulaic remarks only need formulaic replies: "So I've heard", "Hope you're right!", or just Haha or Thanks. It's social lubrication.