School’s handling of neurodiversity

[Itsmyshadow]

I’m interested in others’ experiences of how schools approach neurodiversity to cater for the needs of neurodivergent and neurotypical children.

My friend’s ASD daughter is in DD’s class (year 4). Her daughter is clever and kind. She masks well in public (I would not suspect ASD if I didn’t know) but sometimes struggles a bit in class I think.

She’s friends with two of the groups of more popular girls, but according to her mum these girls are mean to her and frequently exclude her. DD spends her lunch and breaks playing football with the boys and so doesn’t see this, but she does go to afterschool club with these girls and sees them outside of school. They all seem to be lovely girls who are really kind to my younger children (my younger DD loves them).

It makes me wonder why they are mean to my friend’s DD, and I wonder whether how the school is handling her neurodiversity and that of others in her class is a major cause of this.

DD has started to complain that friend’s DD is allowed to have teddies on her desk, and others (who are likely neurodivergent) are allowed fidget toys, and that these children are allowed to go to the school sensory room at will, and DD would really like to go to the sensory room (dark room filled with colourful fairy lights, bean bags and sensory toys) and desperately wants a fidget toy. I have also heard many stories of friend’s DD instigating an argument and it being the neurotypical child told off. As an example friend’s DD said to another friend “your face isn’t very round” about a self portrait she was doing. DD heard and replied “that’s not very kind”, friend’s DD ran out of the room and without the teacher seeking to understand what had happened DD was told off.

The girls that are apparently mean to friend’s DD are all clever, hardworking and well behaved. They probably receive very little attention from the teacher because they just get on with their work, but equally they’re 8 years old and craving of that attention and validation and being made to feel special.

I don’t know what the right answer is, but I can’t help feeling that giving certain “privileges” to neurodivergent children might help them learn and regulate, but might do more harm in other ways. AIBU?

Goady as fuck.

My daughter doesn't "present" as needing extra support - she bloody well needs it though and thankfully we'll work with school to make as sure as possible that she doesn't get into a situation at school where her need for this becomes visible - in that she's well regulated, as relaxed as she can be when she's a raging ball of anxiety, and not having meltdowns as a result.

Those fiddle toys - stop her wriggling, squirming, faffing with stuff that's on desks and knocking that onto the floor thus disrupting the class. Her friend who has a teddy with him - stops him having a meltdown as he can rub his face with it to soothe. The sensory breaks mean that when they start feeling "fizzy" they can leave the room before it becomes an explosion... thus - they're not placed in situations which make things disruptive for the class and extremely distressing for the child concerned. I'm also an adult autistic myself - while I appear professional, articulate and well-regulated... if you saw me in a meltdown state - you'd be shocked at the change - and meltdowns feel absolutely bloody awful and take an age to de-escalate from - so trying to reduce them to as minimal as possible is a win/win for all concerned.

I'd be more concerned if by the time I had a child in Y4 that they weren't able to show empathy and consideration to peers who need different supports to themselves... most kids master understanding that much earlier on. I'd also take the "not involved in the nastiness" bit with a pinch of salt if she feels able to slag these kids off like this to you at home.

As for kids being nasty - DD2 is absolutely the sweetest young lady you'd meet, kind, considerate, well behaved (her anxieties are all about making others happy and following rules) - and some of the stuff she's had directed at her is vile - from both kids and their mothers (about reasonable adjustments she was allowed as well). She had parents going up to school during covid when bags weren't allowed into the classroom kicking right off that she was allowed a backpack - she had a bloody broken arm and poor motor skills anyway so couldn't carry her reading book etc in by hand but they kicked off about "fairness" regardless... just utterly low level petty shit (and it was bloody obvious why when she's coming out with an arm in plaster)

@Itsmyshadow

My colleague and I have noticed that children are much 'kinder' to classmates with a clear and distinct difference. For example, we have a child who would perhaps have been in alternative provision (special school) five years ago, whose needs were have been deemed to be able to meet. The children are very friendly to him and he's a real character around school. However, an autistic girl who masks heavily might be deemed 'weird' and attract far more negativity (which we would obviously seek to nip in the bud).

It seems very unfair.

Yep I thought this as well. I know in general there's a push within the autistic community for identity-first language to be used (so autistic rather than person with autism) - but that's acknowledging that autism is part of someone's identity, which is a hell of a lot different than ASD daughter saying "autistic spectrum disorder daughter".

My kiddo's autistic, she's not an autistic spectrum disorder - and in fact I tend to refer to her as "having autism" because my view is that it's up to HER as she grows up how much of her identity she decides is linked to autism... whereas I do refer to myself as an autistic adult as part of the choice I've made.... but this is basically an "ask the person how they want it to be referred as" situation to cover all bases.

This.

Quite frankly, I’m surprised that OP’s NT 8 year old doesn’t understand why she can’t take her bunny to school. My DS has a school friend who has ADHD. Right from infants my DS knew that his friend was allowed to stay in the classroom at break times when he needed to be away from other kids, and my DS wasn’t. He just accepted it.

Time for some strong parenting here, OP. Spell things out to your DD and make it clear that you won’t entertain any complaining on this point.

My 6yo has a very very strong sense of "fair". To her at 6, fair means everything has to be exactly the same for everyone all the time always. She'll huff if she thinks her younger sister has more cereal in her bowl, things like that.

It's our job as parents to help her develop a more nuanced understanding of the world. If someone has more cereal, it's not a big deal - if she's still hungry she can just ask for more. Her sister might need more help or have lower expectations wrt behaviour because she's younger and so less capable. A classmate may have accommodations because of a SEN - that's not unfair on DD, it's fair to the classmate as it allows them to join in and learn just like DD.

These lessons aren't learned in a single conversation, you have to keep at it. Many adults struggle with the concept (unfortunately). But it's your lesson to teach as parents, not the school's.

I think it makes a massive difference depending on the school, the teacher and the class. In every class that I have taught in there have been a lot of children with learning difficulties, both diagnosed (25- 35% in all the schools I have worked in) and undiagnosed. There have been children who are coping academically but struggling in other ways, there are children who don’t particularly like the school environment, there are children who are having a tough time at home and then there are a few who are rubbing along quite happily until they have a friendship issue or do badly in a maths test or sports match etc. In an ideal world all the children should be treated as individuals and will have their needs met, but in reality it is a juggling act. You then throw in the personality of the teacher and in some cases their special needs (in our school two teachers are diagnosed with adhd and one with autism) and that has an impact on the classroom dynamic. I think some parents think schools have one or two children with an obvious diagnosed issue and every else just gets on with it, but the reality is far more complicated.