Am I the problem? Is there something wrong with me?

[AaHu]

Hi hoping for some advice and tips. I am a mum of 3 girls ranging from 12-2. Currently on mandatory holidays so home with all 3 children.
but as much as I try I cannot engage with the children for long periods of time without getting disengaged and eventually lose focus. I have tried keeping them busy with arranging days with friends and family and days out to the park/beach/ theme parks. I look forward to when the husband comes come and evenings because he takes over with the 'playing and engaging' something I know I lack
on. My older two are from a different dad and although I miss them terribly I look forward to them going to see him so I can leave my youngest with her dad/grandparents and get some alone time. But alone time is also spent feeling guilty and a terrible mum and wishing I was better. My phone is the biggest distraction and I much prefer when I am at work and parenting around a full time job where my failure as a mum are not as apparent as I can hide behind my work. I know the girls want so much more form me but I am so far from the fun living happy mum. I feel like I am dead inside and onautpilot mode and that is truly crappy for them as they deserve to be around happy adults who generate happiness and make everything fun. My days off at home with the children are mentally exhausting. I love my children they are the reason I have carried on in dark times but I genuinely don't know how to function as a fun mum.
I think I am depressed deep down but actually my lifestyle and life on the whole would suggest otherwise.
I just feel like I am drowning when I am
alone at home with my children and the immense grief and guilt that I need to be better over shadows everything. I see mums around me who seem to be so great at everything and I just wish I had some of that magic. I have tried so hard to be different but my default is this feeling of drowning and guilt and a heavy heart.
help.

You do sound depressed, and it has nothing to do with your lifestyle because it's an illness. Don't get me wrong, plenty of parents aren't the 'constant fun and games' type - and neither should they be expected to be, all of the time. Life isn't like that. But the way you describe your feelings ("dead inside") rings alarm bells. Please speak to your GP. And be kind to yourself.

Ring for a GP appointment; you don’t sound well. I’m sorry you’re struggling so much.

Gosh you’re loading a lot on yourself to be the fun mum.

Cut yourself some slack. Your elder girls need to learn how to entertain themselves. You don’t need to be their play leader all the time.

I think what you are feeling is a modern phenomena whereas in my childhood we entertained ourselves with reading, board games, drawing and playing outside. We became very resourceful without any parental involvement.

You don’t have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of motherhood. It’s ok to be the way you are.

It's ok to not be engaged with children all the time. They do need to learn that adults need to do other things and entertain themselves. I can't play with my 3 & 5 year old all the time. I'm definitely not that mum who takes to parenthood naturally. It's one reason why I went back to week three times a week because it's not me. However I do try and connect with them. Term time I drop them off and pick them up from school. If they want to watch a film and snuggle then I do so. Or if they want to play outside then I sit out there with them and talk with them or respond to the millions of "mummy look at this".

However you do seem to be disengaged and the feeling of being dead inside is worry some. Maybe a call to the GP and see what they say. The summer can seem very long when you are at home out of routine. I'd possibly suggest you've felt a little like this for a while and the holidays have just brought it to the forefront perhaps?