To get rid of the WiFi

[bloss0mgirl]

My sons game and are nocturnal, their friends are online. Eldest has lost his job again (4th time) over time keeping and the younger has no rl friends his age, they are both older teens.

I don't see them other B than when the come down to use the kitchen, to ask for something, and other than conversations I instigate they don't interact, they don't contribute to the house unless I ask / insist.

Took them on holiday last week to visit an old trusted friend overseas and it really shone the light on how unreal this all is. I do most of the housework, eldest is openly disparaging and often tells me to F off. Youngest is friendly but friendless, very much in his own world.

I have a professional job, youngest is on the ASD diagnostic pathway and eldest and I are on the adhd pathway. It's not perfect, I'm alone here but dads on the scene and helps. Neither can be ready, ever, on time.

It all boils down to the internet, gaming and having it all, food etc, on tap?

AIBU to seriously (I mean seriously) be contemplating getting rid of the Wi-Fi?

I feel like I'm enabling them to remain dependent, I'm ashamed of how our family is non existent.

Any thoughts appreciated. Thank you

If you can you should definitely do it. I miss the pre devices world so so much. How would your sons react?

To add I think as we know more and more about the harm that's been caused to our children by the proliferation of devices, more parents will be doing similar. It's so damaging, yet we've put it into the hands of young people who don't aren't able to judge the dangers for themselves. can you imagine this permissive attitude being acceptable with, say, drugs?

I feel for you! Similar situation here. My DS is 14 but has done nothing these holidays except game. Just had a big argument about going to bed. He also has a dreadful diet. I cook from scratch and took him out for lunch today in an attempt to connect and all he did was ask when we’re going home. Feeling quite angry hence still up and DH snoring next to me doesn’t help!

Well definitely turn it off at 10 so they're not nocturnal and take the router to bed with you

We have had similar here and it has changed, gotten better, gone downhill and repeat.

I feel like getting rid of internet isn’t helping anyone, definitely not teaching them anything.

I’ve started talking to them normally like adults (14 nearly 15 and 16 nearly 17) and bringing it back almost to them being kids again.

Remember all the time ye spent together as toddlers etc? Well now I’m nearly back to that, getting them to help me with stuff but without demanding it, just can you give me a hand with x and there’s possibly a bribe in there, I’ll make you a toasted cheese or I can give you some extra money when you’re going out. Also board games and family nights, again with a bribe/ tell them their granny needs a hand with something. I’ve also introduced them to movies such as Shawn of the dead and other ones they just didn’t expect!! I also sometimes land at their room and maybe watch them gaming or ask them questions and it’s definitely helped, alternatively I tell them some crazy story I’ve heard or a joke.

Just anything that gets them away from games or phonescreens and thinking about civilisation. In the car radio on no screens or they go nowhere. Things have gotten better, not perfect but definitely better. I know it all sounds ridiculous btw!!

I hear you OP.

I just got the Deco TP link thingy and parental controls app. DS took 20 minutes to set it up for me.

A few teen meltdowns later, DD's screen addiction is well on the way to being controlled. You can set daily time limits and just block them whenever you need to.

I feel relieved, and like a better parent. Her manners and respect around the house have also improved a bit.

Just be careful. My mum never had wifi and i hated it because i couldnt do my schoolwork at home. I needed the internet to research stuff. Also no wifi doesn't mean no games. It just means no online games. They will just find offline ones. My mum had a rule for every hour of gaming i had to talk to her for half an hour. So after an hour she told me to come downstairs. Annoying at the time to stop gaming but it bought us really close

Can you put time limits on rather than completely getting rid of it?

It can be difficult to do things like apply for jobs without internet access.

I would start by turning it off at a reasonable hour. You could also limit usage during the day if needed, but I don’t think I would drop it entirely.

Disconnect it at 10pm.

Make sure whatever data plan is on their mobiles can't be used as a hot-spot, if it's an unlimited data contract get rid of that if you are paying for them.

Disrespectful older son doesn't get meals cooked until he can be respectful. You know ADHD is no excuse for his behaviour or losing his job as you also have ADHD.

Younger son would benefit from engaging more at home, can you teach him to cook? Share a movie night?

Change the wifi password and only let them have it if they earn it and live by the house rules.

You said older teens, how old? If my mum had done this then I would have moved out tbh and that was back in the 90s. Depends if that is what you want. Back then she never saw me, I was nocturnal and just read all the time.

So much is online now, the world has changed, but i would approach from this perspective. You need to separate some normal teen behavior from the screen thing. If you did do this and they remain nocturnal and you never see them will that be okay as they aren't gaming? Even if I had no Internet I was nocturnal as my body clock changed, as it does with teens. I am still a night owl in my 40s.

I would sit down with them, make a chore list and tell them that you are considering getting rid of wi fi if they don't start pulling their weight.

I get people hate gaming and screens but most teens would see this as controlling,.especially if it is a social outlet for them too. You may damage your relationship with them and make the atmosphere ten times worse,.especially if they are almost adults. It is up to them how they spend their time and I am still a gamer now, as is my partner.

You will hardly get far with a wifi ban when you have waited until the teenage years.

Leisure interests? Something to get them out of the house and doing something with friends rather than gaming?

Tasks at home? Why don't they participate?
Cooking? Laundry? Cleaning? Gardening?

I expect my teenagers to take part in chores at home and do activites outside their home. It's not a discussion.

Tbh your teenagers have very simple and easy lives right now. You will struggle after letting it out of hand. But it can be done!

Come on where would two jobless teens move out to nowadays?
However, if they did, it might do them some good!

OP we had similar issues (all ND adhd and ASD or a heady mix of both). Several times I have taken away the WiFi and removed the Xbox for their own good. With warning they tend to moaningly accept it. The results are amazing. Much nicer, engaged, sociable young people.
It makes me hate screens.

Thank you all so kindly!!

You've helped me balance my present aghhhh with all the other perspectives out there - many of which I do, have tried and I've fleetingly thought about. It's strange how the mind can't think when triggered.

My sons are 19 and 17, you remind me why I help the eldest keep his car as it's working on it that gets him out his room, and why I supply the youngest with all he needs to his chosen sport.

This boils down to the eldest being online in games when he should be sleeping for work the next day. He speaks and knows that his friends who what him to join and who don't have jobs are not helping. He lost his most recent job for missing messages from work (whilst gaming)

So, I've decided to remove the Wi-Fi from midnight to 6 - I'll look more at the Deco but think I can kick off devices via the virgin app... yes they can make hot spots but not to the refresh rate they need for group games.

I fill the fridge with good food and they both cook for themselves so they're not without life skills, the youngest is very good esp. He also does his own laundry, and rolls his eyes at his brother for never doing his.

I do let the eldest get away with using ADHD as a reason, it makes it harder but it's not easy being born in the 70s with it and it means I understand...thank you for helping me see this, odd how I never even considered this?! I'll not point it out to him, but I will shed some of this parental guilt that keeps me being softer.

There is nowhere else they can live right now, but I feel ready to counter balance the actual problem at its root now.

As to how they will react, I'll do it openly and will talk it through when they're about later on.

Thanks for the courage x

You can set the WiFi to turn off at night.
If you remove it completely that will cause more striff for you.

Also second the TP- Link it means you can turn off wifi on certain devices, rather than wifi being off completely. So ours it set to be off for all devices overnight and some of the kids devices go off for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Hope you get something sorted. ADHD here also so harder to self regulate even though been given a chance. Moans initially but actually has quietly admitted to preferring it. Sounds like you're doing a great job. :-)

Good solution, as some wifi is needed to apply for jobs, go get messages from jobs, and so on.

On a side note, does your DS have medication for his ADHD? It could massively help him not get sucked into a game and lose track of time/not hear messages or a phone ring, not notice he is tired/hungry….

eldest is openly disparaging and often tells me to F off. 😲

If I'd told my mother to fuck off I'd have been out of the house faster than lightning. I certainly wouldn't have had the opportunity to say it twice.

Time to get tough, shape up or fuck off.

Get RID of it? As in, you won't have it? No, that's insane. Change the password so only you can use it. Or get rid of the devices they game on, or their smartphones. Or set some rules on screen time and enforce them.

Your problem isn't wifi, your problem is allowing your child to tell you to fuck off (and all the rest). Getting rid of your wifi isn't a substitute for parenting.

You can get a timer for if
Also boundaries - I've lost count the amount of times my Nd DS devices have been hidden or put in the boot of my car if he gets out of hand. We aren't doing them any favours by not giving them consequences

Can anyone help me put a timer for the WiFi to go off each night? I'm with Virginmedia