To buy MIL a nice but not asked for birthday gift?

[ShoesAreTherapy]

DP and I together almost 20 years. We have all been overly generous with each other for Christmas and birthdays, making sure everyone gets what they would like off their wish list and a couple of little surprises. None of us frivolous any other time of the year and for my DD (not her grandchild) birthday is an opportunity to get something coveted. She is an adult now, so less constrained financially but still studies and earns close to minimum.

FIL has sadly passed away few years back and MIL felt financial freedom for the first time ever as they were very separate financially, she had a lot less disposable income and now she has inherited and needs for nothing.

But she has stopped asking what anyone would like and spends a lot of money on us for birthday but random stuff. I got expensive underwear that I would never wear and in the wrong size, perfume I have never tried or mentioned, never knew about it. For last birthday DD got real gold necklace, with god awful opal pendant, then matching earrings. I know this is coming across as ungrateful but what a waste. But I know her long enough to know that this comes from a place of complete confidence in her amazing taste. MIL knows best.

Anyway, her birthday is coming up and I am thinking of not asking what she would like as I have done before and just get her a perfume. Good expensive one but just not the one she loves, like she did with me. I would just order, show DP as my contribution to the gift with look of innocence and be done with the fuss.

Would this be unreasonable of me?

This is petty af and I'm sure you know it

Yanbu but you could do what I do and put the responsibility on your dh!

I think that's quite mean spirited tbh.

Intentions count for a lot in gift giving. Hers seem to be to show love by choosing an expensive (albeit useless) gift whereas yours appear to just be revenge buying.

either have the conversation to say, ‘thank you for your generous gift but it’s not to my taste’ or continue to accept and choose your gifts as you would normally. No need to be petty in this scenario

Half of the joy of giving a gift is in the choosing of it. By all means get her a perfume she hasn't heard of if you think she would like it, but don't pick one out of spite. That defeats the point of giving.

Ps. Who buys underwear for their daughter-in-law?!?!?!?!?

Wow. No, don’t be a d**k.

Agreed! Honestly OP just read back what you've written, you sound horribly unkind!

I think this could be nice! Perhaps she likes surprises and that’s why she’s going off piste with her gifts. If you want to reciprocate go for it. If you want to be unkind have second thoughts and don’t do it on her birthday you meanie.

Thanks, all. Deep down I know my thoughts are mean. Best delegate choosing to DP.

So instead of being an adult and using your words, you decide to be a child and go for petty. Of course you're being unreasonable. All the cliche exist for a reason, don't sink to their level, take the high ground, two wrongs don't make a right blah blah..

Ask the woman what she wants, and tell her the gifts are not to taste... two separate issues, deal with them separately.

Yes it would be unreasonable, I agree she what she's doing is a ridiculous waste of money (underwear really?!!), but doesn't sound like it's coming from a bad place.

You don't solve the problem by wasting money yourself just to be petty!
Buy her a perfume she hasn't asked for but that you've smelled and think she will like by all means but not one you think she won't like just to prove a point. She's unlikely to get the hint anyway if she thinks she's always right!

Have you talked to her about it? Is she OK? While she might not be used to having plenty of money to spend, she has lost her DH and she might not be coping very well.

But I find your approach to gift giving quite odd anyway. Who's to say that the 'couple of little surprises' you give people are well received? They could view them like you see the jewellery and underwear that you've been bought.

If you know her favourite perfume, why don't you just buy her that, plus something like flowers or chocolates, instead of getting into a tit for tat exchange of deliberately unsuitable gifts or making her do all the thinking by telling you what to buy as a gift, making it all a pointless exercise.

This is actually a really horrible post.

So your ML has always bought gifts, never missed anyone out and now she has more money than before actually buys everyone much more expensive gifts.

But because she doesn't buy expensive gifts that you specify, you plan to buy her a gift that you don't know if she'll like out of spite.

I genuinely can't get my head around that way of thinking at all.

I'm sure your adult DD could just sell on expensive jewellery and buy something that was more to her taste instead. It's not really a huge deal!

If she had asked for something and you had decided to get her something else that she would also like instead that probably would be fair enough (eg she asked for a jigsaw but you got her her favourite perfume)

But it is pretty petty and unreasonable to deliberately get her the wrong item (like a different perfume to her favourite)

Totally this! The perfume example is odd - what’s wrong with choosing someone a different perfume you think they might like? Your post is so mean-spirited, what a shame.

That's very petty & spiteful, don't you like her ?
Present giving used to be about the thought that counts, buying something you'll think they'll love and not off a gift list.

I'd have loved the opal jewellery I didn't like opals when I was younger but now I adore them, so much so that my engagement ring has opals in it, your daughter may love them in years to come too.

Hopefully she's just experiencing some joy at having free reign over spending money she wasn't used to before op, she'll probably settle down eventually.

Don't be nasty. There's no need. Why don't you talk to MIL and ask her to make a donation to charity instead of buying gifts in future. Say you've all had a good chat and for environmental reasons feel this is the way forward.

Did your daughter thank her for the jewellery but tell her that opals are not something she would wear and could it be returned and something else chosen?

Just stick the unwanted gifts on Vinted if you cat return to the shops.
I always give gift receipts and often get a thank you I swapped it for this as I already had a (what i chose) and I love that x

I wouldn't stoop to her level but I would ask her if you can exchange any expensive gifts that she buys for you that won't be used / worn. Your DD should do the same, especially since she is short of money.

Don't be a d*ck!! Get her what you know she likes. She's not doing it to be horrid or make a point, you said that yourself, she genuinely thinks they will be liked. Don't be so ungrateful. If you're desperate to get something's you like then drop some hints near the date or tell her something the husband will like. Otherwise just say thank you and get over it. I'm not sure you understand the principle of gift giving.

well what a petty, childish, ungrateful and nasty thing to do? im sure her gift giving is from the heart, even though the gifts might not be to your taste.

does MIl ask what you want and then go out of her way to get something completely different or does she simply buy a gift and surprise you?

im actually shocked by your post.. its vile

You are being petty and mean , grow up you're a bloody adult for christ sakes !
Give her a few options for her to buy like " hey freda Sarah has expressed interest in x, y and z just a few suggestions for Xmas :) "

If she buys something that doesn’t fit it’s perfectly ok to ask for the receipt so you can change it. If it’s a question of taste, that’s more awkward and only you can decide whether to discuss it with her.
I’m sure she’s not being deliberately horrible so don’t be nasty with your gift purchases for her