LPOA is vital now. Don’t delay. Also, if you can get dad to make Will if he hasn’t
without that, it’ll come down to who is the oldest, if, and only if dad looses mental competency, and your operating under mental health act.
Aside from that, there’s not a great deal you can do if he doesn’t want to engage with you and only dictate. But first do try to engage “constructively and properly”
So, I would be aiming to have a “crucial conversation” with brother. Find somewhere public so it can’t turn into shouting match. Look up basics of a method called “Crucial Conversations” on line and prep for it.
you first need to establish common purpose. What are you both trying to achieve? Clearly you’d think that’d be you both want your dad in a place where his needs are met, he is comfortable, with company asap, and his risk of falls etc minimised. Dig and question brother until you can both agree what your common aim is
then ask him to explain why he wants you to visit so often and why he is dictating this? Listen. Let him tlak, don’t interrupt unless with question “why”, or “can you explain that”. You need him to tell “his story” as to why he’s doing what he’s doing. Why he’s telling you to do x,y, z. Don’t argue, actively listen. Summarise various parts back to him to ensure you understand.
once you understand his position, ask him to listen to you “tell your story” . Explain your position, explain why you don’t equate lots of visits with quality of care you give, why you feel so unhappy with him telling you what to do. Don’t go offfat tangents with stuff about past. Focus on just this issue. If he interrupts to argue then stop, remind him you listened to him without interrupting and then continue.
very often, just telling each other your stories about why you are stating the position you are, helps to iron out misunderstandings, misexpections and simply poor communication. That’s often the reasons for disagreements and falling outs, resentment.
then go back to your common purpose. Remind yourselves of those,
then work together about how you BOTH compromise your approach with each other to work better as a team in dealing with this
come up with a plan. A rota you can work to. Maybe use of a shared log online (we do this as siblings as all in different locations at least 45 mins form dad), regular WhatsApp calls when we share concerns about dad and who is doing what etc.
id say, even in close harmonious families, siblings do struggle when dealing with a suddenly aging parent needing support. Talking is imperative and so is all of you agreeing common purpose. It’ll not get easier if you can’t do that- issue like RESPECT forms , DNRs will rear their heads and all of those can be difficult conversations to have.
of course, if he doesn’t engage with a process to have a proper discussion, and continues just to want to dictate, then frankly firm boundaries and a reminder that he is no position to lecture you on what your duty is when he appeared to hav3 little sense of duty to his own family historically including his own children. And then disengage. Don’t go NC if you can possibly help it. It’ll cause dad so much distress and you, it’s a shit thing to do. Try to stay civil, firm boudaries a a little grey rock if needed.