AIBU? Family morals and keeping my child safe.

[Questionqueen]

Hi guys,
please can you shed some light to give me some honest, accurate advise as i do not know where to go from here or even if legally I am able to do this?

last week my sons dad was screaming at me and calling me a sag, prostitute etc and trashed the inside of my car infront of our son (me and DS were standing outside of the car). Previously he’s screamed in front of him at me(when he was a new born baby) he also spat in my face pushed me over a couch and head butted me infront of our son when he was a newborn baby.
Now my son is little older but still a young baby but I honestly believe this abusive. Behaviour would carry on when my son is older and would see it clearer. This is not happening.

When pregnant he has threw all my clothes down the stairs, my hospital bag and phone was chucked into a puddle outside the house, he was screaming down my ear intimidating me when pregnant, had me crying on the floor pregnant filming me, tormenting me, calling me names, threw an “empty bottle” at my eye (it wasn’t) causing me to have a black eye while pregnant too etc. this man is a compulsive abuser.

this is where I need advice —I have decided to stop him from seeing our son after he has been abusive to me infront of him again last week. Obviously I have moved out and I am no where near him.
can I even do this?(stoping him seeing our son)? Legally?
He hasn’t bothered trying to ask to see him since I said he couldn’t due to anger and abusive behaviour. I said IF he seeks anger management help and proved himself to be safe around my son he can see him otherwise he won’t be. Am I wrong? Legally?

thanks.

Legally you do not have to let him see the baby.
The only legal way is for your ex to apply to the courts.
Hopefully you have logged all the incidents with the police.

Oh really? See i thought because he was on the BC that he legally has to see my son. I would never stop him seeing him if I didn’t believe he would affect my son negatively

Have you reported all of these things formally OP? Is there a record of them with the police?

He could take you to court for access if he wanted to if you stopped letting him see your child, if you have evidence of abuse though you can use that to argue for supervised access etc

I’m sorry, yes what you’ve experienced absolutely is abusive. He does have full parental rights, but given the circumstances it is appropriate for you to stop contact and he will need to apply to court to gain access as they determine fit.

This also works the other way, ie if he had contact and he decided to keep your son and deny you access, you’d have to seek the help of services/ the courts in regaining access. Not to scare you but just for your info when deciding whether to offer contact in future.

As pp says, have you reported any of the previous incidents to the police? Don’t worry if you haven’t, many women don’t feel able to, but now you are safe then you may wish to retrospectively. It may be worth contacting women’s aid, social work or similar RL agencies to talk through your options. You may also want a free consultation with a solicitor to consider your options - ie they may advise you try to seek to actively prevent contact, rather than waiting for him to seek it out, but on the other hand entering into a battle like that with him deliberately may not be a wise idea. So sharing all the details with professionals will help you make decisions.

Don’t hand your son over to him AT ALL. If he wants access, he can go through the courts. Hopefully, he won’t be bothered to do that. Speak to women’s aid, make a log of all incidents.

Firstly, I'm glad you have left the abusive cunt.
Secondly, you need to do things proper. So get incidents logged with the police, speak to social services and other DV charities. That way you will have things backed up Incase he tries to take you to court.

Thanks for all the good advice guys. Notes and I will think on taking things further ie police. To be honest I am petrified of going to the police! I do have a stack of evidence on my phone against him showing clear abuse and threat and admitting to breaking my laptop giving me a black eye and threats to my family if anyone were to question him about it. I have not done anything with this evidence just yet though, because I’m scared on what he’ll do.

Get it logged with the police and stay well away from him. Your DC will have a better future protected from this disgusting person. I cannot see how his life could be enriched in any way with this person near him.

Hi op I'm sorry he's put you through so much, you deserve so much better than that and I'm glad you're now away from him.

I would recommend getting support from women's aid if you haven't already and a good solicitor who specialises in family support especially complex family breakdown and domestic abuse.

You are right to log everything with police and I'd make contact with social services and your health visitor as well for additional support and advice.

The family courts will look at what's the best thing for your child. They do look at contact with parents as a very important thing for a child but this has to be weighed up in the context of what's happening and what is actually safe for your child. So you can refuse contact and let him take you to court and they then may look at other options like supervised or letterbox contact. You need as much support around you as possible and if you have a good relationship with any of his extended family and (crucially) its safe to do so, I'd still facilitate contact there so you can show the courts you're not obstructive you're just concerned with keeping your child and yourself safe.

Never for a second doubt that leaving was the right thing to do. You're incredible and you've done a great job navigating through so much with a small child.

But if you don't you don't have as strong a case for preventing access to your Son . It's hard but perhaps contact women's aid or something for some advice x