Do I get involved ?

[genieinaboddle]

I've just lost an entire thread so I will try to keep this short.
My 14 yr old son with anxiety and depression. He has no friends and is the subject of ' playful' shoving, poking and pushing by his distant cousins this summer, who have form for this with many others.
Their parents do not get involved and don't reprimand them so talking to them is futile. I ensure we are away from them asmuch as possible.
My son retaliated after being antagonised so much last week and caught the two of them and pushed them away with force. I have no issue with this as they would not stop despite repeatedly told to by my son. They then start crying and moaning to their parents who take no notice of them.
It started again today when he bumped into them and he just burst out crying when he got back to the car. Again.. general pushing and assholery.

We will meet them at a family event today and again we will be away from them as much as possible but I expect they'll start again. I am very close and friendly with their parents but for my sons sake, do not want to be seen to be his protector as my son will either do nothing thing, stand there and get upset when they antagonise him or he will physically attack them ; neither of which I want for him.

I have no issue calling the boys aside myself and telling them to jog on but again don't want to be seen to be running in fighting his battles.
He's done massive work on himself with therapies and I try to guide him as much as possible but his confidence and esteem is so bad, he doesn't seem to be able to retaliate unless, as he did the other day, physically go for them.
He is big and strong and could easily do them damage if pushed far enough .
Advice please? WWYD?

Not go to the event, he doesn’t deserve to be bullied by his family. You need to protect him.

This is a huge event that he is really looking forward to . I think it's unfair that he does not go because they are there but if that's the overwhelming advice I would certainly take that on board .I would like to speak to them myself but fear that would incite them more.
How long can I keep him away from this type of behaviour ? He has experienced this many times before

I second this answer.. I myself have a son who suffers from anxiety and depression and had to leave school early due to cruel bullying.. I couldn’t imagine putting him in situations that could bring on a panic attack or make him uncomfortable in any way.. Your sons mental health and wellbeing should come before family and their events..

Wishing your son all the best..

I'd get your son into martial arts classes - whichever one he wants to take, and keep him in them. It will do wonders for his self- confidence in general and give him the physical options for dealing with physical shit like they're giving him if he needs to, without losing his cool or seriously hurting them. Once they realise he can physically handle himself you better believe they will leave him alone.

For this week, I would intervene if they give him hassle. You can make it clear that it's because you've watched them and are intervening as a family member rather than because your son wants or needs you to. First of all make sure you're in proximity and clearly making eye contact with the cousins ocasionally and watching the interactions. I'd keep it simple "Oi! That's enough now. I'm fed up of watching this shoving around now, get out of each other's faces and go play individually like little kids if you can't socialise nicely at a grown up event."

He comes before everything. I give him a choice for different occasions . He wants to go to this.

What you do is stand up for your DS. You absolutely get involved. You tell the bullies to back off and you tell their parents to intervene. I can't believe you are 'close and friendly' with their parents and yet you allow their horrible children to bully yours without saying something.

I have spoken to them before about their children but they seem not to have any handle on them.

I can see the conflict with this but if their behaviour is wrong if I was a bystander and saw it would I step in?

If the answer is yes then to me it would need to have action regardless of if it was my child on the receiving end or not so it would cross the line into abuse and I would not feel it is 'taking over'

If no then it would be up to the child to handle

At 14 I would say they mature enough to decide whether to go or not so would go with this, again if I would step in for a stranger I would step in for a child if I needed to, my own or not

But I would not be having anything to do with parents who allow their children to be bullies and do nothing

As @ThatAgileGoldMoose says I'd keep it simple "Oi! That's enough now. I'm fed up of watching this shoving around now, get out of each other's faces and go play individually like little kids if you can't socialise nicely at a grown up event."

Use your voice, show them up if necessary.

If he’s keen on going then maybe have a chat to him (or have his dad or string make figure) about not taking shit from anyone and how to stick up for himself without hurting others..? Reassure him that you’re there if and when he needs you and that you’re in his corner.. Not sure how close you are with the parents but have a chat to them and let them know you’ve seen it happen before.. Try not to be hostile (I know it’s hard) you want the best outcome possible.

What ages are the cousins?

One is the same age the other is a few years younger. They both have their own issues but the younger one is very easily led and does what the older boy tells him but the younger boy is very dysregulated himself and loses his temper easily and often.

Strongly seconding the recommendation to martial arts.

In the meantime, yes, be the adult at family get-togethers. You don't seem at risk of over-controlling the kids, and the other parents are fine with your parenting style. Go for it - and have a good time!

It's your job as a parent to protect your ds.
They're bullying him and ds is unable to deal with the behaviour himself so I would absolutely step in.
I'd keep an eye on the situation today and as soon as it starts I'd intervene and loudly (not shouting) "X&Y stop (insert behaviour) to ds, I mean it, stop now, this is unacceptable behaviour" or something along those lines.
Any of the adults that don't like you telling them off, I'd be putting them straight too.
Stick up for ds, he can't cope with it so you are going to have to do it.
Let your ds know that you have his back.

I've tried every single pastime and hobby you can think of to help him but he refuses point blank to engage in anything that causes him to move out of his comfort Zone. It is heartbreaking, all of it and now his own cousins see him as a target for their ' playful' bullshit. You know the type.. everytime they're called out on their behaviour , their hands shoot up , pretence shock and shout ..' what? Me? What have I done ?'
I'd love to throttle them myself at times.

It might sounds harsh because I am not in your shoes and I am only aware of the snippet of this story. I would stay away from anyone who bullies my child. No matter how close I have been to them previously and regardless of how much I might need their support in the future. A 14 year is in no position to decide what's good for him. You wouldn't let swim in a river laced with toxic chemicals. Why let him attend an event in a toxic environment? I would join other groups, surely there are walking, rock climbing groupa in your area? Once your family sees you taking a stance they will talk to their children themselves. I wouldn't be leading my child into a lions' den

Yep, I'd do this too. Preferably in front of their parents/other people. I'd keep doing it too.
Why should your son miss out on family occasions because of these bullies?

My son was bullied at secondary school. Most of it was done out of adults' sight and hearing. The bullies managed it in a school that takes a very hard stand against bullying. What has helped my son was finding another group of boys to socialise with. Even though this took time. I also took a very hard line with the school. "My son is not going back to school until he feels safe ". None of this nonsense "Boys will be boys ". When one child is crying and another child is laughing- it's not a game, it's bullying. I speak as a surviver of secondary school bullying