DV and possibly homeless

[Yellowduck234]

I’ve got a baby and experiencing abuse in my relationship. I’ve decided to leave.

He has been controlling my bank account for the past year and monitors anything I do spend so I haven’t had access to my own money for the last year. If I spend more than I was meant to he would get violent. I work and earn a good salary (around 36k) but I’m on maternity leave so only getting SMP and not any enhanced payments as I didnt qualify for it. I’ve worked so hard for my career and I let him put me in a position where I have no money to my name and feel like I can’t even support my daughter the way I want to.

but I’m also worried will the council help me with housing? I can’t go back to work yet as I have no childcare but also will be going part time after. I approached them earlier this year as I wanted to leave but didn’t tell them it was abuse k just said I can’t stay where I am. Their response wasn’t great and made it sound like I should be able to afford to rent (I’m in London) and I was scared to say what was happening.

also I’m generally an anxious person, what will they ask me in the interview if I have a housing assessment?

It's so hard dealing with DV and a baby.

Get in touch with Women's Aid or your local DV charity.

You can apply to any local authority at all for housing as a victim of DV. You don't have to have a local connection. You will get high priority.

Living in a women's refuge in the interim might be your best move.

When are you sure to return to work?

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through something so horrible.. I know exactly how you feel.. I had two babies under 2 and my husband at the time controlled everything.. He was always monitoring my spending, he’d be the first one to the letterbox where he was taking all my mail including bank statements and then hiding them from me in a spare tyre in our garage.. I won’t go too much into the abuse I suffered but I will say that if you can that you need to start putting money away somewhere but don’t tell anyone not even those closest to you.. These men have ways of manipulating our loved ones to gain information to benefit them but to also make you feel like you have no support and that you need him..

Id assume that they would ask extremely personal questions while trying to obtain public housing as they go by case.. Those who are most vulnerable would get priority they would also put you in contact with other agencies like DV support so keep that in mind..

Id be putting money aside secretly so that I could rent something privately and move out when he isn’t home..

Im not sure how custody works where you are but if you do move out and he wants visitation or custody without any evidence such as a police report in regards to DV he may get what he wants..

Its a difficult position that you’re in but it can be done.. I did it when I was only 21 and it was the best decision I made for me and my two babies.. I’m not going to lie though it was hard but it was all worth it in the end..

I hope it all works out for you.. Feel free to PM if you need to talk.. xo

Didn't want to read and run. Please contact Women's Aid for help and advice, they will be able to signpost you for help with housing, benefits and most importantly give you support to get yourself and your baby to safety. This is a very hard time in your life, but you will get through it, you will survive until you and your child can thrive. It's been 38 years since I was a SAHM left with a 2 year old after the breakdown of my marriage to an often violent binge drinking alcoholic who controlled and abused me in so many ways. I was a nervous wreck. But I have never once regretted getting away from him. Ever. You are stronger than you think, and you are going to give your daughter a much better life. Good luck x

I'm sorry you are going through this.

You need to go to the police regarding the abuse and get a crime reference number - he will most likely be arrested.

You can go to your local councils homeless unit, or call and get some advice first if you haven't left him yet. If you go in person and have no where to go, they should be able to house you in temporary accommodation but this could be out of the borough you live in.

About your job, do not leave! Explain the situation to them and see if they can make adjustments like working from home or even go part time. Good luck 💐

Also, as there is DV this makes your housing need stronger. You need to go to the police though, so the can assign you a victim support worker, who will help if you go to court. They also help you get a place of your own.

National Domestic Abuse Helpline https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ run by Refuge. Not just available on phone but via live chat through the website too. They will help you understand your options and, if safe refuge accommodation is what you need/want, they can give you contact details for refuges across the country.

Your local council website should provide contact details of your local domestic abuse service if you wish to go straight there.

Surviving Economic Abuse are the experts in this area. They have a financial advice line too. https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/

Lots of info here I know. I'd consider the national da helpline first as they will consider your needs and safety holistically.

Wishing you all the best.

thank you for your advice. I don’t want to go to the police:

1. I have had awful experiences with the police before. Laughed at in disbelief when I reported an attempted sexual assault
2. he is from the same small community as me( in terms of the country we are from). I’m estranged from most of my family and only started building up 2 of the relationships and trying to get more support from them. Reporting it will just put me and the rest of my family at risk annd break it down ancain and I can’t do that. I don’t want to go through any police anymore I’m tired of it just want to leave to be honest and be safe

Go and have a chat with your GP. Your medical records are also evidence.

But talk to womens aid, too, about ways of proving domestic abuse for housing and legal aid purposes.

I’ve only had my GP for 2 months as I changed once my baby was born so she could be registered. But also haven’t gone to the about anything to do with it. Do I have to prove it somehow? I’m not sure how I can as I haven’t spoke to anyone about it and don’t want to report it

Being from a community that is small in the UK can bring additional complexities. There will be organisation's who are specialists working with these communities, understanding the cultural and risk factors. Please consider contacting a helpline in confidence to understand your options. You don't need to give your real name if you don't want to.

When you approach housing directly they will generally ask you for evidence of the abuse. Police records, medical records would all provide evidence. But so will letters from a domestic abuse specialist support agency if they assess you as being a victim/survivor.