Am I asking for too much.

[Twinkletoes18]

hi

Im here to just talk to someone. But I feel I don’t know what I am really wanting, or if I am the one who may be asking so much.

my husband works from home. I work from home on my small business. Everything in the house is handled by me, whilst juggling with my small business. I pick up my son from school and my husband drops him off. I cook lunch, dinner. Take the dog for a walk, basically every chore in the house is done by me. My husband barely notices me, barely says any appreciation towards everything I do, yet I show up. He comes down everyday from his home office, dinner is served. He never asks how I am, and never asks how am I doing. Sometimes there’s so much to tell him but he just goes on about his day, and how hard he has it. Over the months I’ve felt so lonely and isolated and just taken for granted. Whatever he does for me and our son, I always say thank you to him and appreciate whatever he does. But he never says thank you to whatever I do for him.

My little boy has so many allergies, and he’s also diagnosed with ASD but he’s fully verbal. Since starting school not one parent evening has my husband been able to attend except the one where they said our son may be having ASD. As a mum I have so much mental load on me, and on top I also have to help my husband out ie if car breaks down I have to help him get a mechanic out etc. I feel like I just am being taken for granted.

Everyday is the same monotonous. I asked him if he could take a couple of days off for summer holidays but he hasn’t, and for an appointment our son has which was booked two months in advance, he kept giving excuses bear in mind he has had two months notice. Sometimes when I talk he gets so defensive and won’t let me speak. He just gets his phone out, or goes on his computer or looks at his watch and says if im
done because I took 20min of his time.

am I being irrational? I don’t mind hearing the honesty, I just feel 10 years married to him, I made a sacrifice to my career to carry on bringing up our child whilst he climbed his career ladder.

sometimes he will say things like what a big responsibility I am on him and say his mum told him that. It hurts, I am self sufficient and doing the best I can help to provide him and our son with the care, love, fresh meals everyday.

I just want to be appreciated not taken for granted.

How have you stayed married to him for 10 years? Where is the companionship? Is there any joy in your life?

You’re not unreasonable for wanting to feel appreciated.

Whether the lions share of household / kids stuff falling to you is reasonable depends a bit on what you agreed and how you both contribute financially. Small business can mean a lot of things, from something that is mostly a hobby and brings in only the occasional few hundred pounds, to an annual turnover in the millions and capable of supporting multiple employees. Obviously the latter demands a lot more of your time and will contribute a lot more to the family financially. If you agreed that he’ll be the breadwinner, you’ll mostly look after the home and family, and your business is something you do on the side then it’s not unfair that you do most of the chores. It should certainly still be appreciated and could be something you want to renegotiate.

In any case, your main complaint seems to be that you feel unloved and that your husband doesn’t care about the family, regardless of how chores etc are split. Would he be open to talking about your relationship? It does sound like he’s checked out, but has it been good in the past?

Life shouldn't be like this. You are not his 'support human' and he seems to be taking you for granted. How are you a 'big responsibility' to him? and don't give a fuck what his mother thinks!! My MIL was horrified when DH changed a nappy as it was 'womens work ' in her eyes. She never worked. That was FIL's job. Life is different thank god. How dare you DH be so dismissive of you- I'm angry on your behalf and he sounds like a prick - sorry it not you it's him.

The only thing you are being irrational about is thinking you might be irrational to object to being mistreated like this.
He is a horrible husband and father and he needs to go.

He sounds utterly vile.
Can you get good legal advice and divorce him?
He serves no purpose whatsoever whatsoever and you will be better off alone.
His behaviour is not normal.
His shutting you down is emotional abuse.
Ring Women's aid for a chat, advice and support.

What I don't understand is why you go on martyring yourself day after day after day, seemingly in the hope that he is just going to suddenly wake up and be a completely different person, one who is a proper husband, appreciative, loving, and caring. That has never once happened in the entire history of marriage.

I sincerely hope that you are not having sex with this man as well as putting up with all his other bullshit.

If I were you, I would go on strike. Make meals feel yourself and your child, but not for him. Don't pick up after him, do not do his laundry and give him the cold shoulder in bed. This will prompt him to ask why things have changed and you can tell him straight to his face that your sick and tired of being ignored, unloved, dismissed, and treated as though you were nothing more than an unpaid domestic.

That sounds soul destroying OP. He treats you like a staff member not a wife. And not even a valued staff member.
Under usual circumstances I would say talk to him but as you have tried and he ignores and insults you by going in the phone or the computer, what is the point?

You are doing all the work for you and your son. If you can manage financially then leaving your husband would make your life less lonely and give you more self worth.

I think you guys have lost that connection between each other, maybe go for counseling. Communication is really important, tell him everything you wrote here, communicate more with each other if you guys still want to be doing this life together.

WOW..! He actually looks at his watch and complains about taking up his time.. Like, WTF is he..? I can’t tell if he’s extremely immature or arrogant..?!

If I were you I’d stop doing so much around the house.. Sometimes you have to offload certain responsibilities to balance life out..

If he can’t take part in helping out then he’s not your partner.. Actually, he sounds like he’s just your roommate.. So sorry

Why are you with him and how have you lasted this long????

I never heard a wedding vow that said “I’ll expect you to be my servant, and I’ll stop treating you like an equal human being.” And yet this is what he’s doing.
no, you are not asking too much.
you get to choose. You get to enjoy your life. You are in now way obligated to stay with this person, as this is not what you signed up for. This is not what you agreed to.
if he can act like you don’t matter, remove yourself from his life - he should no longer be allowed to take up any more of your precious life.