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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling accused

18 replies

Whydidicomeinhereagain · 13/08/2024 21:24

So... A few months back my husband found a empty condom wrapper in our garden. We live in a fairly rural area, with no neighbours on a country road. He picks up the wrapper (gross!) and brings it to me and says 'wheres this come from', I look confused and laugh and tell him I've absolutely no idea and tell him to put it in the outside bin. I didn't think much of it. But then he comes back in and says 'well I know it's not mine' ... At this point I realise that when he was asking where it has come from, he was actually asking if it was mine!
I'm now feeling defensive and pissed off to think he could accuse me of something. I tell him to stop being stupid and that it could come from anywhere or anyone walking by or driving by the house.
He's refusing to accept that and says it must have come from our house.
This escalated and we had a fall out over it, as it would never have crossed my mind to assume the wrapper had anything to do with him, so why is the accusations being thrown at me...

... A few weeks pass, this is still coming up in conversations, hes telling me he's not accusing me but would like to know where it came from. I genuinely have no answer and feeling pretty pissed off now that I have to explain something I have no idea about.

He thinks that me being pissed off and seeming defensive is an 'odd reaction' but I'm sick to death of being questioned about something I have no idea about it... And the message behind him asking me about it.

He tells me i'm being over the top, and all he simply wants to is to know where it came from.

Am I being over the top to be hurt by this. I feel accused but he says he's not accusing... But what else is he doing by asking me and bringing this up all the time.

OP posts:
Homesweethome23 · 13/08/2024 21:32

Unless you have cameras and check the footage how is he ever going to know where it came from? How very strange for him to keep bringing it up. Would he have behaved the same over a mars bar wrapper?
To be honest if he kept on and on to the point he wouldn’t let it go I would honestly consider leaving him for his ridiculous behaviour.

gamerchick · 13/08/2024 21:37

Turn it around on him. It's obviously him covering something up and you would quite like to know where it came from. Turn the tables on the twat.

It's obviously been blown in on the wind. He's acting like a dick with his accusations and that's what they are.

Whydidicomeinhereagain · 13/08/2024 21:37

Thank you.
I asked the very same question when a crisp packet was found in the garden.... Interestingly he laughed that off. I'm at the point now where I told him to pack his bags and leave if he can't seem to get this out of his head... Because I can't give him anymore answers and I don't appreciate being accused of infidelity.

He's making me feel like I'm being ridiculous by feeling pissed off by the accusation... As he's adamant its not an accusation! But what else is it?

I'm so mad as he's ruined another evening by randomly bringing this up again and I don't have the energy for it...

OP posts:
DarkHollowTree · 13/08/2024 21:39

Sure he's not trying to 'trick' you into a confession? Is he generally a paranoid bloke?

Homesweethome23 · 13/08/2024 21:40

Nah sod that if he keeps ruining your evenings over someone else's condom wrapper it’s time for him to leave. Life’s too short to put up with the kind of mind game he is playing.

Whydidicomeinhereagain · 13/08/2024 21:42

I did this tonight, and turned it round to say 'ok, well I know it's not mine, so come on, tell me where it's come from'.... He just laughed.

I also said it's likely to have blown in the wind too... And he says 'that's not possible because of where it's landed in the garden'... As if he's a god damn meteorologist now! FFS! I could laugh and scream at the same time 🙈🤣

I'm beyond done with the conversation with him now, but feeling a little better from these replies synd the know that I'm not going crazy for feeling accused by his questioning.

Thank you

OP posts:
SleepingisanArt · 13/08/2024 21:45

Tell him it probably blew off the bin lorry on collection day - we get all sorts of stuff on our drive or in the garden after the bins are collected (recycling is worst as the stuff isn't bagged!)

The other response is to use the 'I think thou does protest too much' (like the people who bang on endlessly about never eating chocolate or drinking alcohol when quite obviously they do!)

Whydidicomeinhereagain · 13/08/2024 21:46

He could be. He's insecure, has been from day one, but I accepted that, but it's never been quite this bad... We've been together nearly 13 years and have a family. I rarely leave the house other than for work or stuff with kids, very little social life, but that's ok, I don't mind any of that... But now he's even started making comments about work, as if I'm having an affair there.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 13/08/2024 21:47

A bird might have dropped it.

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 13/08/2024 21:49

He's projecting.

Thelnebriati · 13/08/2024 21:49

Your last post is worrying, especially the part about being uncomfortable with you going to work., He is insecure and escalating. I think you should stop joking about this and get help.

Arightoldcarryabag · 13/08/2024 21:55

Might be worth having a proper sit down chat, at a time when you are both a bit more calm.
I'd just explain that you are doing nothing with anyone, have no intention of doing anything and have no idea where the wrapper came from.
I'd explain that you won't entertain the subject again and that if he is not careful the issues he has with his Ego will ruin the marriage and split up the family.

I'd recommend that he seeks support for the issues that are his issues and that if he doesn't trust you despite there being no reason in your history for this being reasonable, then it is only an issue for himself to resolve and not something you can resolve as a couple.

Some posters suggest he is projecting, like perhaps he dropped it and realised a day later it had come out of his trousers after being hung to dry after a wash or something and wanted to cover in case you'd seen it. Who knows. It sounds plausible but more likely he's just a little scared man who needs to get his shit together, quick.

Tangelablue · 13/08/2024 22:00

Hes setting you up to isolate you even more than you are already. Every time you go out, he can start banging on about the wrapper until its just not worth you going out.
What was he even doing rummaging round the bottom of the garden. It's odd that he was the one to find it.

Disillusionedwithlife · 13/08/2024 22:02

Well the fact he won't let the subject drop and is now making comments about OP and her work does sound like projecting.
Has his behaviour changed at all OP, apart from his obsession with the condom wrapper?

gamerchick · 13/08/2024 22:02

Maybe he's the one who's pretended to find a wrapper OP. I'd be having a different conversation with him.

JackGrealishsCalves · 13/08/2024 22:04

Tell him he's pathetic and insecure

Catza · 13/08/2024 22:26

Oh gosh, that's annoying. I once was house-sitting for friends and they later found some cigarette buds on a balcony and accused me of shagging someone in their house (I don't smoke). It was quite windy at one point and I think maybe the ashtray next door blew over... that was the only reasonable explanation I could find. But they didn't believe me.
It's easy enough to distance oneself from friends when they are being jerks but I have no idea what it would feel like to live with someone like that. I think the only way forward would be quite firm boundaries. Either he drops it or he packs.
ETA: It was most likely a magpie.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 13/08/2024 22:34

Yeah sounds like he thinks that having zero social life isn't enough, you are having far too much fun working so that has to stop. He won't be happy until you never leave the house unless he's pre-approved it.

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