To find this hard and miserable?

[Kotea18da]

I’m an account and low senior level. I went back to work after mat leave when dd was one as I didn’t want to give up my job. I’ve been back nearly a year and I basically feel like I’m never doing enough at work or at home. I actually do the bare minimum at work now. I’m not saying I worked every hour previously but I did take more pride, had more time to think about it all and certainly could focus on my progression. I feel now that I’m constantly chasing my tail. Sometimes I have to collect dd if she’s unwell and I have to leave on time when it’s my pick up as I obviously can’t not collect her. There’s no staying late these days. Then at home I’m so exhausted that things I used to do like spend ages choosing or printing photos and getting frames etc just isn’t done. Silly example but I just can’t do these extra nice things, not enough time.

Is it just me? Have I lost my own life forever now? Maybe I don’t cope well and this is unusual? I don’t know, others seem to cope fine

That’s not dissimilar to how I felt when i returned to work full time; how many days do you work? It definitely got better as my DC got older especially once at the age they didn’t need constant supervision and slept well

No, it's not just you. Looking after children of that age and working full time(?) is really hard. Do you have a partner? If you do, make sure that they are doing their fair share.

But basically life with young children was pretty much managing to get through the day in a "good enough" sort of way. It does get better when they get older, honest :)

The people that breeze through will have consistently sleeping, "easy" children and probably lots of support.

@Tbskejue i work full time. I could go part time but I feel like I’m being forced to by society … bit dramatic maybe… but I like earning money and know if I went part time it wouldn’t be easy to go back up

@redskydarknight how much older please? 😃

It’s just as you describe, I get through but that’s it. I don’t feel good about any of it as it’s just trying to get to the end of the day. Dd is generally chilled too but I find I can’t fully concentrate on her or on work at any given time

Giving in to the pressures of society isn’t making you happy though is it? Why not write up a pros and cons list to see how it balances for you? What is life if you can’t enjoy the things that give you pleasure?

Think about what is important. Earning money or being less stressed and having a bit more time to do what you need or want to do.
Have you looked at reducing your working days to 4 a week for example? It's a drop in salary but due to tax wont be as much as 20%. If you weigh it up it might be worth it overall.
It sounds like previously you used to work late/longer hours which is not good either and not sustainable in the longer term.

It’s a tough time of life. Your daughter is only young. Kids in childcare get sick a lot.

Definitely make sure your partner is contributing equally.

Forget what society dictates. If you’re not happy, what can you change?

I worked part-time for 7 years. When I was ready to go full time, I got a new job. I didn’t list on my CV that I was working part-time. I listed what I achieved in each of those roles. The fact that I did it while working part-time should make it even more impressive.

Do the calculations on what you will lose, it may not be as much as you think.
For example, if you earn 25k per year, you will lose 5k/year by working 4 days a week. On the 20% tax rate, that’s only 4K/year. According to a quick google search, childcare is on average 55/day. That’s 2,750/year. So, in this scenario you would lose 1,250 for the whole year, or 100/month by dropping one day per week. Or if you really want to break it down, 25/week. Would it be worth 25/week to have an extra day to spend with your daughter and catch up on life admin? To me it definitely would.

It's a really tough time. You want to parent like you don't have a job and work like you don't have a child. It's not possible to do both perfectly.

Things get better once kids are at pre-school and then school, especially if you find a school that does wrap around care.

Alternatively you sacrifice career opportunities for your kids and juggle part time work and parenting. There's no easy answer and you have to make the decisions for yourself and your family, trying to ignore social pressure!

I wish working was a choice for mothers. I was a young feminist thinking that working women was fabulous but the reality is you’re torn between a job that wants blood and child who actually needs you and doesn’t want to get carted back and forth to daycare. Everyone thinks husbands need to step up and help out but maybe everyone just needs less work pressure

Please dont believe you'll be sacrificing career opportunities by chosing to work part-time.

In my last few companies, women (and men) who worked part time in order to give time to parenting or other caring responsibilities (parent with dementia in one case) were actually highly respected.

What I observed was that they did their job well, set clear expectations (I will not be doing 5 days work in 4) and were disciplined about using their time efficiently. Interestingly most of them took their non-working day off during the week (rather than a Friday).

i feel, as an employer, that I get far more work done by 2 part time employees than 1 full time.

however, if you are serious in saying that you only do the bare minimum at work, you need to seriously consider your attitude.
you are a paid employee, you’ve had a full year mat leave. You have chosen to work full time, this isnt being forced on you.

personally, If I felt an employee had disengaged like this I’d be looking for an avenue out for them

It is hard with young kids. Try to find a day your DH can do pick up so you can stay late / meet a friend before going home. Plan time for housework and time to chill. Don't be too hard on yourself. If you can afford to then maybe go down to 4 days to give yourself a break.

Do you have any contact with your child’s father? They should also be picking up from nursery if sick etc, it shouldn’t all be on you. However, the tone of your OP implies he isn’t on the scene at all.

Is there any extended family support for you?

@Madamecholetsbonnet he is on the scene but finishes work usually around 8:30 so no chance of pick up or doing dinner or bathrime etc. it’s all on me and I hate it.

Lone parent here, mine are 14 and 16 and I work full time and it's still blooming hard work. They go to be later and need lots of support and encouragement x

Why does your partner work until 8:30pm? Is it choice or contracted hours? Why is his job more important than yours? If he can’t do evenings because he’s working, then he needs to do mornings. Everything from waking your DD up, to feeding, dressing, packing the bag and taking her to daycare.

i think if you stop and really look at the situation this is why you’re miserable. You are single parenting with another adult in the house. Why does it all fall to you? He’s either a partner or he’s not. Right now your career, your daughter and you are suffering because he “works so hard and can’t possibly do anything to help”.