Ex harassing me, kids have own phones, AIBU today all phone contact can be direct and not involve me?

[SunInTheSkyMeteorsFall]

Ex is an abusive shithead who was removed by police and has a criminal record. After I said I would no longer give him money for when he has the dc (he pays no maintenance and sees them less than once a month) and told him I have a new boyfriend (because I was telling dc so had to) he has been harassing me. Police are aware and have warned him.

I just want to minimise contact I have to have with him, because obviously I have to still have to text him about contact.

He has a once weekly phone contact with dc, which has up to now been done via my phone, though often dc don't want to speak to him. He always thinks this is my fault and that I have to 'facilitate' this phone contact if dc don't want to have it.

(For context dc1 is ND and ex almost always ends up shouting at him when he does see him - so there are reasons why he isn't keen to speak on phone)

Dc1 is 13 and already has a phone, rarely answers if ex calls him.

Dc2 is 10 and I'm going to get her a phone specifically for this purpose. She mostly does speak to ex.

Is it ok to do this? Let them speak or not speak, directly, without me being involved?

He says I'm neglecting my parental responsibilities if I don't 'facilitate' it.
Aibu or is he?

He’s got a bit of a nerve criticising your parental responsibilities!

If they were a bit older then I’d completely agree with you, but I think at their still quite young ages, they’d need you to keep an eye on contact and ensure that he’s not bullying them the way he seems to bully everyone else. Not that you’re responsible for facilitating contact, but I think you do need to keep an eye on it.

YANBU - tell him the kids numbers and he can contact them (only on set agreed times) when he wants to speak to him. Then block him. And tell the kids if he starts harassing them then they can block him too.

I'm fine with keeping an eye on it. Tbh I want to just have it all go through a different phone than my own, for my own mental health. I need to protect that in order to protect the dc.

Hmm, maybe instead of giving dd a phone for herself I should get a 'contact phone' and route it all through there. And then it would go with them or her when they/she goes to stay so that he doesn't use that as an excuse to constantly call me which he did last time she went.

I was going to suggest a phone the kids can talk to him on that isn't actually either of their phones so he can't harass them then block him on your phone. My eldest has her own phone, but does like her brothers to use it so I've gotten a phone that can go with them as the spare phone that they can also talk/text dad on. Or get them set up on messenger kids if you both have FB. I wanted to do this but XH couldn't be bothered trying to log back into his old account so they can't talk to him except through my phone which I don't like for lots of reasons. XH should be supplying and funding this phone, but despite him earning 5 times what I do that's never going to happen.

A separate contact phone sounds good - will your ex not just take it & call you during contact though? Also, in a genuine emergency (heaven forbid, but they do happen) how would you expect to be contacted?

I’m so sorry you’re still having to deal with his abusive behaviours.

I’d get them a £5 a month giffgaff or similar which is just for talking to him. Then when it’s not a scheduled time to talk you can just turn it off and he doesn’t get to harass any of you.

My mental health dramatically improved when I blocked my ex on whatsapp/text. My kids were about the same age as yours at the time with their own phones. Funnily enough he also told me that it was my job to facilitate their relationship. My ex can contact me by email if necessary, but as he hates email, he rarely does.

Do it!!!

Certainly with the 13 year old.

Keep a record of the harassment if you are not doing so already.

In a genuine emergency can of course ring me

Thanks, I am. Police are aware, apparently it falls just short of the criminal threshold because ex is very clever about how he words things. But it was good that the officer who read it all said 'he's very manipulative and clever isn't he' which made me feel more confident that I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill

They're so dull and unoriginal aren't they

I don’t think he knows what “facilitating contact” actually means. Or he doesn’t care. Both children have/will have access to their own phones so they can talk to their dad at those set times and presumably other times if they wish to. That’s “facilitating contact”. So you’re doing that already. The 13 year old has chosen to reduce contact with their dad (understandably by the sounds of it) is their choice. If you took the phones away, made sure you were busy and out of the house on the days they were meant to see their dad so that prevented contact, then that would be you not keeping up your end of things. It’s of course far easier for him to blame you for his piss poor relationship with at least one child than look at his own behaviour.

I would block him on your phone and only have contact via email. This is what I do with my abusive ex. It means I never have to hear his voice (no phone calls, voicemails or voice notes) and when he sends me emails that are designed to upset me, he doesn’t know when I’ve read them so I can take my time replying carefully. And I am very careful. I never want him to see that he’s got to me and equally I need to not wind him up, on purpose or by accident. Or it just goes on and on.

They are still young to be given full responsibility for communicating with him.

I agree, get your daughter a phone too. Let him contact them directly. If it gets too much then they can mute their phones or you go to plan b.

It sounds like you will have to ' Yellow Rock ' him. Have you heard of that. It's about being pleasant but keep things to an absolute minimum contact wise. He sounds a very angry, volatile personality and for the next few years you may have little choice but to play the game.

' Hey, hope you're good. I've got X a phone and both kids can be contacted directly now. The kids have access to their phones from 8am to 9pm. '

He is absolutely losing it I imagine as he believes you're controlling him and the kids.

If he then starts flying off at you over no contact then just keep with the yellow rock approach. It's worth reading up on it. He may be someone who won't give up.

@LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa the email contact sounds a good idea.

Having known people in on this position, their ex's seem to always believe the mother is bad mouthing them, alienating the kids and that's the only reason the kids don't want to talk!

Even kids with good relationships with non resident parent are often poor communicators via text. They're 13!

Hi

I went through similar with my ex when my kids were younger. He constantly harassed me and would phone me and text me none stop. It got to the point where I even had to unplug my landline through the night.

I just want to comment on a point you made about the police saying it doesn't meet the threshold for harassment. That's not correct at all. The law states that harassment is on two or more occasions and if it's unwanted contact. He doesn't have to be abusive in the messages for it to be harassment.

I think using a separate phone is a great idea. That's something else I also had to do. I had a spare mobile phone for when the ex would call the kids and I kept it turned off all other times.

I agree with this. Especially as he’s an abusive arsehole. Upthread I said about email. Mine are on my phone but don’t ping like WhatsApp or text messages so aren’t as intrusive especially if the messages within are horrible.

I haven't dealt with any of DDs contact since she turned 12, she and her dad arrange when and how often they see each other, she just has to check our family Google calendar to make sure we don't already have plans if it's not on his normal day - she still chooses to see him 1 day a week

However, her dad is reasonable and no longer behaves like a arse I'd be concerned your ex would harass the children instead

Completely reasonable! I did the same when my youngest was around the same age. You can finally enjoy your phone again.

Ha. Nail hit on the head. Exactly what he's doing/believes. It's never about him and his behaviour

Surely you purchasing them a phone at your own expense is you facilitating their contact!

Buy a cheap smartphone and put in a PAYG SIM and organise times and days for contact and he can call that phone.

I think you still to facilitate contact to protect your children from this idiot.

Maybe block on all media except one. Whether that is text or email. Pick what works for you.

So - dc1 was angry and sent a message to his father telling him to go away and calling him a name, in response to one father sent to his phone.

Father is now asking me why dc1 sent this and what has happened etc.

I don't know if I need to get involved with this or just say it's between them?

Just send a breezy “No idea, I’ll let you sort it between you”