Ex calling DD by the same pet name uses for new GF - AIBU?

[EmmaRoid]

Pretty much as per title - it has come to light (Ex DP, DD father) has been using a pretty generic pet name for both DD and the new GF.

I do not think or believe anything untoward in itself, but the fact he fully aware how she feels worthless it makes me upset he has allowed her to find out the pet name is not "special" to her.

I have lost sight of what is reasonable these days due to history of abuse (from him and spilling out to being witnessed by the children), and a recent death in the family has me barely able to function past faking it for the children. DD has medical diagnosis which leads to life being more complex for her than most.

I made clear the issues DD has as set out by NHS including anxiety and self destructive behaviours and how fragile she is - yet this has happened and I am tired of defending him in effort to minimise the damage as this affects our relationship also. I want to just break contact, but never sure if for the best as she wants him in her life despite the damage/upset it causes.

For my DS (older and remembers more) he would happily move away and cease contact with his dad. He has said this on more than one occasion. DD still wants her dad to be her dad.

Am i being unreasonable to see this as a massively disrespectful (the calling them by the same pet name), and to defend DD as an advocate - as she is just refusing to look at her messages from him for the past few days and being teary/not eating (she is upset, but in a silent, but disappointed way but it comes out in withdrawal from day to day life) or am I unreasonable to pull him up on allowing a situation to occur where DD is left upset and set an ultimatum of not happening again and to move contact supervised?

I do want to highlight again she is more fragile than most children her age, and think this is potentially adding to my feelings as I try so hard to get the balance right of being present and advocating without taking over and allowing my feelings to cloud anything

What do you mean he calls them both " darling " orr something similar ,
That's pretty normal isn't it ?Both my kids and Dh get the same terms of endearment
You would be very unreasonable to stop contact over something so petty

So she definitely feels worthless because he calls two people the same nice name?

Agree with PP. My DH and DC are all babe , darling and sweetheart at some point.

I think you might have lost sight. Wanting to break contact over this (assuming it’s similar to ‘darling’) is a massive over reaction.

It’s awful when our children are struggling. Mine also struggled in a similar way in a similar situation. But you can also talk them through situations and help them see it’s not the huge deal that they think it is and it’s not reflection on their worth.

You can acknowledge how she feels but also help her to manage it and not make it something worse.

How old is she?

It's tricky as he's of her feelings of worthlessness.

I suppose it depends on whether it's a special pet name he used to use just for her, or if it's just a generic one. I call people "pudding" a lot. I also call my cats that. I do have specific pet names for some people that I wouldn't use with others.

I think it depends on the name. If it’s generic babe, sweetheart, darling etc. That’s one thing if it’s more specific to your dd then you could ask to keep it just for her but he’ll probably ignore you anyway.

It is not any of the examples given - but yes, it is pretty generic and itself, not a problem if she hadn't found out.

Her feelings of worthlessness are not entirely his actions, this is just one more reason she has added that he doesn't love her, she is not good enough etc. He just doesn't help her (mentally) and compares her to other children that are not suffering/diagnosed with mental health issues and says its not his fault

I agree a lot of times its not the person that has caused her being upset her as "at fault" and its the way her mind lies to her about the situation but he is her dad and should be more cautious and proactive in helping her whilst she learns how to cope with her feelings etc.

Well I agree that if this is really upsetting his DD it's not really asking a lot to find a name that she really likes him to call her and use that for her alone. Surely it wouldn't hurt him or inconvenience him to do this as an act of kindness for her.

Could your DD talk to him about this herself?

@Disillusionedwithlife this was my first suggestion to her when finally got out of her what she was upset about this time. She was NOT in in agreement (with or without support from me or her brother)

Depending on the issue/impact to her - sometimes I do let sleeping dogs lie - and other times have mentioned it to him on the quiet to him in attempt to avoid it happening again. He thinks it is silly most times (and sometimes I get her reaction is excessive) but the consistency of him not getting it and hurting her again even if the reason is ridiculous (at times, it really can be) - the outcome is not.
Watching her refuse to speak and eat and to be picking at her skin is not acceptable to be happening after an interaction with her dad. This is just a bit of last straw for me as I have tired to provide him with the access to educate himself (giving the number of her therapist so can hear it first hand, the websites and books I had been told to look at etc).

I’m sorry your DD is struggling. It’s horrible when we see our children in pain.

However, calling people by the same pet name is not something to fret over. You need to help her reframe that.

Lots of people have terms of affection they use for many people - my aunt calls everyone Ducky, I call lots of people Sweetpea.

”Your Dad calls people he cares about ‘Precious Girl’. It’s how he shows them he loves them. He loves you, he loves cousin Olivia, he loves current girlfriend.”

I understand how your DD feels. My dad always referred to me as a particular name throughout my childhood, it always felt like that was ‘mine’ and it did feel special. Years later I heard him refer to a new partner as the same thing and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit gutted, it certainly took the shine off something I’d always held dear. I will say it wasn’t enough to make me want to cease contact with him, but I understand the hurt.

I agree with this.

Well he might think it's silly but it's very obviously not silly to her. From what you say its part of a pattern of him just dismissing her feelings as unimportant.
I had this when I was growing up: living in a home where my, and my siblings, weren't supposed to have feelings.
It's really difficult when you are putting in all the work of trying to help your DD and he won't cooperate.

It sounds to me as if your DD would latch on to pretty much any perfectly normal thing and obsess over it. I don't think your ex has done anything wrong, and I think you are wrong to make him the problem here. He is not the problem. Your DD is clearly very unwell, and that is the problem.

Clearly that's not her fault. She is mentally ill. But if it wasn't her dad calling his girlfriend 'sweetheart' or whatever it is that set her off, it would just be something else.

Validating her extremely disproportionate reactions to normal things isn't helping her and is likely to make her worse.

I'm not trying to be mean here but I can totally see why your DD has Anxiety. My god....

Also, what do you mean by "as set out by the NHS?"

I'm sorry this happened to you and that you can see it from same POV as my DD.

She has not said she wants to stop contact - that was my son for unrelated reasons, but I had got him to agree to carry on for now as he is at an age where he can decide.

It is tricky as my negative feelings are coming from her finding out, more than the situation as I doubt it is a new thing, however for DD its not special any more and this has fed back into her negative feelings for herself that she is not special etc. (which is a big thing therapy has been working on as this is a generalised self-esteem issue but she uses things that happen to validate her negative feelings rather than positives to prove she is loved etc)

My first thought was ffs get over yourself girl, it sounds spoilt and entitled, princess behaviour. In the context of her other issues it sounds like she is just looking for excuses to put herself down and blame others. This must be incredibly difficult for you to navigate OP but whatever your DDs age I think she is being very unreasonable here.

She had an appointment with CAMHS after being on waiting lists for just shy of 4 years in total for assessment - the outcome/diagnosis letter was pages describing the observation and diagnoses given (2 with another condition listed as "tendencies") along with why the Dr gave the 2 diagnosis that she did (specific examples Dr witnessed).

I only mentioned NHS did her assessment/ letter setting out her issues to clarify it is not just me being over-cautious, DD needs support and that it is not just my opinion - her dad has a copy of this letter as there were things on there that I had not noticed as an issue.

OP, I was once a teenaged girl with very fragile MH, as well as undiagnosed autism. Both these things made it super hard for me to “let go” when upset, and meant that it was very easy for me to feel hurt and slighted even when nothing bad was intended. This really strained some of my relationships, because it made me constantly seek validation, which is exhausting for other people.

As PP have said, you can probably best help your DD by gently guiding her on how to reframe her extreme reactions - help her understand that her feelings are real and horrible, but are not always reasonable as they are partly caused by her brain’s tendency to think of even minor disappointments as major rejection.

Your DD will have a happier life if she can start to learn this - and her father should be supporting her to do so, not dismissing her. If he can’t or won’t do that, then he is being something of an ass. He’s not unreasonable to use the same pet name for more than one person, but he is unreasonable for dismissing his DD’s feelings and not supporting her to learn how to manage the challenges her MH causes.

If you feel you need to put distance between your family and your ex, then do it. It sounds like it would be good for your DD to not have to see him so often but you'll need to have a reason to give her, like a better house, better area, better for work/school. Don't let her think you are doing it to get away from ex even though that is what you'd be doing. She would feel it was her fault. Instead you could say "of course we won't see (arsehole) daddy as much but it's worth it because - (something believable)".

You need to model resilience and explain normal situations like pet names being used for multiple people. She will be picking up on you making issues out of everything like that and then getting a warped view on what a normal emotional reaction is.

If it's something like autism then you're not doing her any favours by not showing her normal interactions. You need to help her try to understand communication and behaviour, not try to change other peoples significantly, otherwise you're setting her up to fail as an adult.

Looking at your past post, I would really reflect on how your emotions about your ex moving on are impacting her. Even if you aren't directly saying things she will likely be picking up on your attitude and mood. Maybe some talking therapy for you could help you move past the shock of family life not going as you expected and then put you in a better position to support DD.

She has been diagnosed with autism (before the other things this year) @MaterCogitaVera and I know this plays a part in some of her feelings/processing.
How did you get to the point where you knew it wasn't "personal" for things like this?

He is always available to see them once a week. sometimes they both go, sometime one may not for whatever reason. I will always encourage it, so they don't look back and think I should have done more. He does make contact via phone in-between.

For everything he did previously to me, he is not intentionally cruel to them, just more indifferent if it doensn't suit him or thoughtless to how it may feel seeing the the GF and at times her child get things they do not from him.

He does struggle with their needs, as doesn't "get it". it is why our son wanted to stop contact.

Post separation, his moving on was always expected. We (him and I) separated, neither of us gave up the children. I get he could do more, but he could also do far less.- it is hjust things like this

I never have got to that point. What I’ve had to do is learn that my feelings of personal hurt are not always trustworthy. My brain insists on the knee-jerk feelings of hurt, offence, upset, outrage - trying to suppress that just makes me feel overwhelmed. So instead, I’ve learned just to feel the feelings, and to cultivate a second internal voice that says “these feelings are the type that are sometimes unreliable; I need to think rationally about this, and ask someone I trust to help me determine whether I’m overreacting.” It’s hard, because I’m basically asking my brain to warn me when my brain might be lying! But with a lot of practice I find I can now keep my extreme reactions in check. It really helps that I 100% trust my husband to listen, not to dismiss or belittle how I feel, but to help me work through what’s happened rationally.