Over forty with a child … did you meet the right person? Feeling a bit hopeless

[greentreesg]

I’m 41 in December and it’s looming in the distance. I feel really rubbish about it. I have a just turned four year old and have been single since he was 1.5. I tried dating a few months ago but felt stressed leaving ds and also very worried about ever introducing him to someone in my life. I know you don’t have to do that and can keep it separate but what I want is a home and life with someone so I’m not sure how to have that now? I feel guilty dating and leaving ds with a babysitter as it feels wrong? If I was out with his dad it would feel different? (Not that I want to go back there!). I just feel mixed up I suppose and I am hardly a massive catch these days over forty and with a child. It feels hopeless. I’m sad at the idea of being alone forever although do have a happy life with ds. Did anyone make something work in these circumstances? How did you meet? Did your dc adapt?

I was a 42yr old single professional woman with a kid of 17yrs when I met the man I married. So it does happen. That was 12yrs ago ☺️.

Do not dwell on feeling guilty dating OP, it is natural to feel that but remind yourself, one day your DC will leave the nest. You do not want to look back and think you were still young in your 40s to get out and meet people.

Please don't think of it in terms of being "a good catch". You are presumably a nice person with a lot to offer and the right man will be one who accepts that part of that is your role as a mum. Having said that, I'm in a long term relationship with someone I met post divorce and it is serious, we will eventually co-habit but not until kids are grown and gone. I keep it separate. They know him but we don't do things together and we are in no way blended. It took a little while for me to realise that that was actually what I wanted. We both understand that kids come first and I often have to cancel or scale back plans if there's a situation with them but he doesn't get pissy about it and we're playing the long game. Don't be too fixated on what a relationship "should" look like, every one is different.

@greentreesg did you ever get out there meeting people? I was you (and still am now, in my late 40s) but I did date in between. What i learnt is that at some point I wanted to blend my family, so not living together but instead just my kids seeing me happy in a healthy relationship. Initially I wanted it all separate but when i met someone who didnt want it, I realised I actually did!. He actually ended things because unlike the previous posted, he DID get prissy if i spent ANY time with my children. Initially I tried to make it work but after a while I realised nothing was ever enough. Now I realise that i deserve someone who would get this.

I would say you're young and you should get out there and meet people, you are still a decent person with responsibilities, and the right person would appreciate this.