AIBU for ignoring my friend?

[abcchipmunk]

I have this friend who takes days to respond to any of my messages despite me always responding same day to her not to play games. I’ve noticed a pattern that she only actually responds when she wants something from me / has a question or something I could help her with. I continue to be friends with her despite this as whenever we are together I really appreciate her company and actually feel more comfortable with her than any of my other friends

A couple of times I have half jokingly mentioned the lack of replying at which she’s promised to do better and then things have remained the same. I’ve realised these slow replies / not responding are likely because she doesn’t actually care about me that much rather than her being malicious which I initially thought

I last saw her about two months ago. At the time a close family member was very unwell though had only just been to the doctor and hadn’t received any diagnosis. She is the only person I’ve felt close enough to open up to about how hard this was and she said all the right things though hasn’t mentioned it since

A couple of weeks ago this friend broke another silence to ask me to recommend some clothing stores to her where I bought my clothes. I came straight back with a pretty considered response — just read and ignored

On Thursday my family member sadly died — just two weeks after a diagnosis and after being told she’d live months took a turn for the worst one night and that was it - with me by her side. It happened so quickly she didn’t even get into hospital, we were just at home. I am completely shocked and heartbroken. For some reason through all this I’ve started getting really wound up at this friend not checking in on the situation or responding at all

This evening a text popped through from my friend thanking me for the clothing advice and then asking how I was. I thought fair enough til another one popped through asking advice on travelling to another country and whether she could take a particular item through customs. She’s leaving tomorrow. Again, only messaging me when she wants something.

I feel very tempted to ignore the message out of spite so she doesn’t have the advice before her trip. However this is out of my character. It also feels weird to respond to the “how are you” with the sad news and then follow with the travel advice. She will be very shocked by the update but I resent her so much for not checking in at all during everything

Basically would I be unreasonable to blank her message? It seems petty but I feel so annoyed at her (though with everything going on I don’t want to confront her and get into it with her at the moment). I understand this may seem strange that I’ve just lost a huge part of my life and I’m getting fixated on these messages. You wouldn’t think I’d care so much during a time like this…. sure there is something in that ! Sorry this is long

YANBU. She sounds like a user

I'd respond you are not good and explain what happened to your relative then end it with. Due to my current situation I am not at a place to help you with travel advice. Then I would fade her out.

Correct. But if you have a friend who only contacts you when they want something, that is a huge red flag

I would ignore her for now, yes. Then see how you feel about the friendship in a few weeks when things have become a bit less raw for you.

It seems clear she's not as invested in the friendship as you are. Very few of us don't check our phones several times an hour, so taking days to reply to a friend's message is really poor form, and tells it's own story - and busy isn't an excuse (busy is a choice).

Your friend isn't obliged to you, nor are you to her though. All you're getting from this friendship is hurt, so it's vital to let it drift. Stop messaging her, and concentrate on the people in your life who value you.

She might just not be big on "socialising" unless someone is actually there. You mention you stay friends with her as things are good when youre together. Some people just don't do text messages or phone calls or random reaching out, and/or don't express themselves well over message.

That said, I think you can ignore her messages if you want. Her getting in contact to ask for stuff might just be her way of trying to reach out. She might otherwise struggle to know what to write in a message - especially about something serious or upsetting. For a lot of people, messaging isn't somewhere you spill emotions or even properly catch up. It's a means to an end, to ask a quick question or organise something.

But be wary if you think somehow it will teach her a lesson, as you might be disappointed - if she's just not the type to keep contact in this way, she might not even acknowledge that you didn't reply. She might not even want/need your advice or help really, and was just messaging you to send something as she knows you put stock in messages.

Perhaps you could suggest meeting up of you actually want to talk to her and have her support? She might not realise how much you need it right now.

@abcchipmunk I feel very tempted to ignore the message out of spite so she doesn’t have the advice before her trip.
However this is out of my character.

She can get this information from lots of sources - it's not your responsibility and you don't have to feel guilty about ignoring the request.
I think I would give it a day or two and just say, "Nice to hear from you. I've got rather a lot on my plate just now so I'm a bit pushed. Hope all is well with you."
And cut. Some people do nothing but take.

Hold up.. don't ask someone for advice and bother them with your questions then ignore them when they reply. What you said is silly. In other situations I agree with what you're saying but take note of the actual situation here rather then making one rule to fit all.

I would send a very short text back (this is so you don't need to give it more headspace, not for her) answering her first text and either ignoring the second or making vague reference to it but not answering her query.

Something like: 'Hi flaky user, you're welcome. Sadly family member had died so I'm not at my best. Hope your trip goes well.'

Then don't read any more texts from her for a couple of days.

Focus on your bereavement. Forget about this friend for now and see if she contacts you. If she doesn't you know where you stand. There are people who are very charming in the moment but not committed to being as connected as some of us. It is up to you decide what you want. Do you want to spend your hours bubbling and boiling over someone who is not thinking of you? You are worth more so focus on your own life and activities. One of life's rules is that you cannot change others behaviour but you can change the way you respond to it. At the end of the day she is just a friend, not your child, significant other half, close relative. Friends come and go like the seasons turn. A good life lesson.

I would do this too.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Open msg and don’t reply. Let her wonder why you haven’t replied when you usually do. Then leave this person where they belong, out of your life. Sorry for your loss x

Either

• your friend doesn't like you as much as you like her
• your friend just is very laid back and doesn't see the rush to respond
• your friend is going through some mental health stuff or whatever that makes responding hard.

It's up to you how you respond, there are no rights or wrongs. Do you want to try to end the friendship, or keep it going?

I would respond. I’d say x died. Leave it there. Don’t give the advice. Don’t acknowledge the request.

I wouldn’t just ignore the message, I’d block her on every platform and never bother again. That’s not a friendship.

I wouldn't respond, and then when/if she messages again explain you didn't have the capacity to deal with messages etc due to bereavement. Her reaction to you not immediately being at her beck and call will tell you everything you need to know and you can make a decision based off that information. Sincere condolences for your loss x

I could've written this myself, it's so sad. My friend and I have been besties for 2 years, our daughters love the bones of each other and everytime we are together the world feels right. But, she never replies to me until she wants some advice. She never even acknowledges the messages I sent. She'll message me, I'll reply and then she'll go silent for a week.
I've learnt to not message her, I archived our chat so if she does message I don't get it until I physically check the archive. Last week her message sat there for 2 days until I saw it.
Once she messaged a week after I messaged her saying my daughter was in hospital but not serious, she messages a week later saying 'sorry for the slow reply'.... it wasn't slow it was non existent.
It's such a shame as we used to do toddler groups together 3 times a week, where she went I was there, but I've learned to do things alone now, I'll tell her I'm going but don't try and make plans with her.
The most annoying thing is she meets up with other friends so she messages with them.
Oh AND her job is remote and her work emails go to her phone and her phone is always in her hand.
It's so shit, my daughter used to ask every hour if we were seeing them but it's less and less now. She starts school on September so I'm hoping she'll make other friends.

People def suit themselves now. I found that too got texts if they need something from me. I gave up on friends replies took days.