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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH comment regarding burial/ashes

7 replies

smilern · 12/08/2024 23:19

Have name changed as I am a regular poster and this could be outing.

My father in law passed away many years ago. DH was very close to his father. However, FIL and MIL were abusive and extremely neglectful to DH (and the rest of his siblings). FIL was (in my opinion) more
manipulative than MIL and had managed to convince DH that it was all MIL fault and DH and FIL were close before he passed away.

FIL ashes have been at our home ever since. DH has finally decided he wishes the ashes to be scattered. DH rang up a few different places today to enquire about getting them scattered, including one place which allowed you to purchase a double plot. When I asked DH about why a double plot would be needed (FIL and MIL didn't get on and I know for a fact it would be both of their nightmares to be laid to rest together) he said so his ashes could go in there too.

He must have seen the look on my face as he immediately said he didn't think and of course he would be laid to rest with me etc. Me and DH have been getting on better than ever in our 20+ year marriage. I was so shocked and hurt he said about being laid to rest with his dad rather than me! He immediately said he didn't mean it and he wasn't thinking and was sorry etc.

However, I am honestly so hurt and can't get passed it. He would rather be scattered with a man that abused him, starved him, beat him etc than with me, his wife who has shown him nothing but love. He is saying of course he didn't mean it, he said it without thinking etc etc but I don't believe him.

How do I move past this/let it go/ talk about it? I just feel so hurt and upset and I am not sure if I am being unreasonable/dramatic to feel this way.

OP posts:
Flammekuche · 12/08/2024 23:31

I think you’re confusing ash burial with scattering. You don’t need to buy a plot to scatter ashes. And you could divide up the ashes and scatter them in different places. A friend recently mixed some of her parents’ ashes together for burial, the rest having been scattered individually at places they loved as individuals. If your DH buys a plot to bury his father’s ashes in, he could request some of his ashes be scattered there and the rest buried with you?

Shawdee · 12/08/2024 23:33

Honestly, I think you are overreacting. We are no longer here once we are ashes does it really make that much difference? Just because he abused him doesn't mean your DH didn't love him. Abused children go through all kinds of emotions and just want to be loved by their abuser.

Whyiseverynametaken · 12/08/2024 23:41

I can understand why you are hurt OP.

Perhaps because the death was so recent your DH is still in turmoil with his emotions - especially as his relationship was so difficult with his father. Probably when he spoke to you he hadn't clearly thought through the consequences to you of his idea of having his ashes buried with his father's.

I'm sure he didn't mean to be hurtful to you. It must be a very difficult time for him.

KrisAkabusi · 12/08/2024 23:50

You said he was close to his Dad. Discussing what to do with his ashes will bring up memories, and of course he's going to miss him. You're overreacting to an ill thought out idea he probably had at the spur of the moment. And which he immediately realised was a bad idea. He's grieving again, give him a break.

mathanxiety · 13/08/2024 00:28

The FIL died many years ago, not recently.

But when a relationship has been complicated, it takes a long time to grieve. There is often a lack of closure, a feeling of loose ends left unsorted, and deep ambivalence even if the relationship was amicable on the surface.

Sometimes people never really get over the loss of an abusive parent because in a way, the parental loss was something they lived with all their lives. Or they find it very hard when the parent dies because they never had a chance to challenge or confront the parent satisfactorily.

I think your H's comment was more of an expression of deep sadness over the relationship, and a way of expressing an unfulfilled desire for a loving parent that can never be fulfilled - the decision to finally part with the remains might have brought all the very mixed feelings to the surface.

I think you should give him some grace here. He immediately saw that he had hurt you, and apologized.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 13/08/2024 00:49

Oh I'm so sorry Op. You are not overreacting! What an awful situation to be in. Children that have been abused by parents/caregivers are so often still beholden to them. From my experience, there is no logic in grieving an abusive parent, it's very complex.
I can understand why you felt hurt, completely. You poor thing. You both need a hug really.
The yearning for a nice, loving parent doesn't diminish easily. Grief is a tricky twat at the best of times, but with parents that were abusive, neglectful, or absent, the thrall is awful.

AnnieSnap · 13/08/2024 00:57

mathanxiety · 13/08/2024 00:28

The FIL died many years ago, not recently.

But when a relationship has been complicated, it takes a long time to grieve. There is often a lack of closure, a feeling of loose ends left unsorted, and deep ambivalence even if the relationship was amicable on the surface.

Sometimes people never really get over the loss of an abusive parent because in a way, the parental loss was something they lived with all their lives. Or they find it very hard when the parent dies because they never had a chance to challenge or confront the parent satisfactorily.

I think your H's comment was more of an expression of deep sadness over the relationship, and a way of expressing an unfulfilled desire for a loving parent that can never be fulfilled - the decision to finally part with the remains might have brought all the very mixed feelings to the surface.

I think you should give him some grace here. He immediately saw that he had hurt you, and apologized.

This 👆 complicated grief after the death of a parent where the relationship was complex leads to difficult and complicated feelings. If he hasn’t had therapy, your DH will likely still be grappling with these, both consciously and unconsciously. His thoughts and words on this are best viewed in this context. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, or want to be with you.

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