to be annoyed that SIL & MIL constantly go behind our back re arrangements for DSD

[mistressmiggins]

my DP & I do not live together (at the moment) but plan to in the future. He has custody of his DD (10) but unfortunately relies on his mother to look after DD b4 & after school.

Up until recently his sister (lives at home with his parents) constantly arranged things for his DD - haircuts late on a Friday night or shows at weekend - sounds lovely but she did it without asking him and it encroached on both our weekends and his ex's weekends. He has asked them to consult him b4 arranging things (which didnt go down well) and we thought they had agreed.

DSD has her bday in May & we had arranged for her to have a sleep over with a couple of friends. DP's sister has now asked DD if she would like to do something else (without asking him) and now DSD has decided to do this instead.

I had gone to a lot of trouble to organise the sleep over & DSD had asked her friends, but now that has been cancelled.

AIBU to think that they shouldnt interfere?
Its hard enough being a step parent dealing with exes without future MIL & SIL constantly undermining.

I know there are far more important things to worry about but I find this hard to face going forward in our relationship. If you think this is the norm, then feel free to say so & I will try to ignore it all.

No yanbu
not sure what to suggest though, except your dp putting his foot down with sil and mil
and be very carful not to make dd fel in the middle of it all

dp is not very strong - one of his attractive qualities I may add in that he doesnt like to cause a scene BUT I do feel in this instance he needs to be stronger.

his sister blanks me at family events (probably cos she sees me as a threat to their days out etc with DSD)

I have very strong family values & see my own family weekly. My family have totally accepted DP & DSD and treat them as part of the family.

I invited his parents to a Sunday lunch at my house and they dutifully came...but no invitation back

I find it sad cos when they move over to live with me & we become a family, I worry that they will just become resentful & not make the effort.

I accept that DSD should be allowed to choose what to do but suspect she wanted to do BOTH - infact his mother actually asked if we could change our plans to fit in....but we have my 2 DCs to consider too.

I am in a slightly different situation to you, but I think I know what they are thinking.

My dd1 was from my first marriage, which broke down when I was pg with her. My parents and brother (and then SIL when he got married) have always been very close to dd1, due to my single-ness when she was little.

I since met dp and had two more children who tend to be ignored by my family.

My family all seem to think that we dote on the littlies and ignore dd1 (which is patently untrue, btw) so they try to compensate for this by going over the top with doing stuff for dd1 - she gets invitations to stay, she gets stuff bought for her jsut for the sake of it... this is all because the family feel that she needs a bit of extra attention as she doesn't get it at home (as I say, it's crap but it's how they feel)

I suspect that your inlaws perhaps feel the same and are trying to prove to your dsd that she is loved by them, and they will dote on her (and spoil her a bit perhaps)

My only advice is to let them see you doting on her, let them see that you put her first (even before your own dc sometimes)

Take my advice if you want to, but I must warn you that it hasn't worked with my parents yet!

good luck

xx

(btw - It is obvious from your post that you think the world of your dsd, I wasn't in any way implying that if your inlaws do feel this way, that they are justified!)

Why should DSD have to choose - she is only ten and it's her birthday! They are really mean to do that to her. I'd arrange the sleepover with DSD for another time, maybe after she has moved in.

Hopefully, they are all just being really wary with you and will come round. Give them a couple more opportunities and if they don't behave more caringly, prioritise your new family unit and those people who do treat you all with respect and love.

Thanks both
Squonk - you make a lot of sense - everything you say sounds as if that is their attitude - they are constantly telling DP he is not looking after DSD properly - by this they mean he should not have a relationship with me & should just concentrate on the 2 of them. They dont bother to see us all together so have no idea that we are a family unit of 5 and that I treat DSD 100% fairly - she realises this cos I constantly have to tell my youngest child (3) to let her have some space.

1066...you are again making sense & we constantly try to show we are a unit but SIL & MIL still seem to undermind us at every opportunity. Unfortunately for them, if they continue to shut me out, they will be the ones to lose out but thats not what I want.

We CAN rearrange the sleep over but why should we - why cant they just show respect and consult us b4 arranging something for her. Insidentally we are then expected to be the taxi taking her to their house for their arrangement, when I live 50 mins drive away....which again, affects my DCs....

No, you shouldn't have to rearrange it but you are the fair one. DSD shouldn't miss out because her aunt is being a manipulative twit. I wouldn't do it now as a birthday treat but later on, saying how sad you felt she wasn't going to be able to do it.

Maybe they are all feeling insecure and when everything settles down, they will transform into a lovely part of your new extended family. This happened to me, once. When my relationship with the son ended, I think I was more gutted about losing his family than him .

It might just take a little while for them to adjust to the new situation (the MIL and SIL).

They are probably used to seeing lots of the DSD and it's taking a while to realise that things have changed a little. Free childcare from family is a wonderful thing but it does mean they will be in her life alot and they probably feel that they would like to do nice things with her too.

Have you been together long?

TBH I would let your DH deal with them but continue to be nice and try to make freinds with them if you can.

Have come back to this thread because it's kicked off again this weekend (weekend of DSD's birthday)

In the end she decided she didnt want to go with aunt & was happy to go bowling with her dad & some friends.

My family bought her actual presents - her gran, aunt & uncle all gave her money.
I took her shopping on her bday to spend her birthday money.
His family didnt even send my DS(6) a card last week for his birthday.

Her aunt was abusive on phone (txt) to my DP (her brother) on Sat. Then this morning, he has arrived at his mum's to drop his DD off for school, and his mum & sister have both started on him saying he cares about my DCs more than his own DD.
He is upset & talking about finding alternative child care (she is 10)

I feel helpless cos they live an hour's drive away so I cant go round & back him up. It's bullying and constant interfering.
They actually think he shouldnt have a relationship until his DD has left home

We have been together for nearly 2 yrs so not exactly a fling or new.

i almost feel like moving them in now just so we can show them we are a family & stop them bullying him BUT its not the right time for me. I'm not ready and this just makes me want to stay separate rather than have the hassle.

MM, its time you two moved in together, prefably in your neck of the woods away from hid family. Because dp family have forgotten who kid she is!

TBH, it sounds to me like a bit of misogyny, and also of mummy-not-wanting-to-let-go-of-her-boy. Whats the betting they'd interfere far less if he was a single mother?? But because he's a man on his own with a child, they seem to be assuming he can't cope and needs their 'help', which is actually unwelcome interference.

If they have been used to being the women in his, and dsd's, lives, they probably are feeling a bit unsettled by you.

I'm not sure what to suggest - personally I'd get dp to tell them to leave arrangements to you (as a couple). But if he is not so good at standing up and making a fuss, that may not work. OTOH, he needs to get good at it! MIL and SIL are obviously far to used to being able to behave like this and it is going to need to come from him if its going to be stopped.

Apparantely his mother never liked his wife. His sister blanks me when I see her & the family photo on Facebook of Xmas dinner is hilarious - I am listed but blocked so you cant see me at all.

His sister & mother definitely rule the roost & I think DP has just let them get on with it when he first had custody of DD cos he needed help. Now we are a family & make plans, they dont like not being able to decide what she should do.

Incidently the argument today has been in front of DSD - thats nice isnt it - hearing your nan & aunt telling your dad he cares more for someone else's children. It must be hard enough for her that her mum only wants her every other weekend.

bump

They sound like they have had far too much control and input for too long, and are bossy and rude having trouble seeing where the boundaries are.

They need to be told not to say things like that in front of DSD. No question about it. It must be very upestting for her to hear the adults around her sniping like that