To always fall for guys with some sort of trauma / in need of emotional support?

[rgbr]

I feel like I always fall for guys with trauma or those who need support. Whilst watching Baby Reindeer I caught myself feeling like I wish I could have been Gadd’s gf at the time of abuse or shortly after, we could work through it together… even though the rational part of me realises that’s all nonsense, even an experienced therapist would find a case like this challenging, let alone little me.
And in addition, he definitely didn’t treat his girlfriends (Terri and Keeley) amazingly so why am I wishing for this? What’s wrong with me? Why am I so keen to help troubled guys?

About myself: had a pretty comfortable upbringing, suburb of London, parents together still, 1 sibling, went to university to study Finance, nothing traumatic or out of the ordinary myself.

Sounds like you have a saviour complex OP

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-step-out-of-the-drama-triangle-and-find-real-peace/

are you a “rescuer” type- interesting reading here but basically you need to increase your self awareness and worth. Find a decent counsellor and have a few sessions exploring this?

Co dependent?

Were you put in charge of your dad's or someone else's moods or emotional wellbeing?

Are you trained or socialised to bring someone around (mood wise), to manage or regulate them.

I was, and I literally have a drug like addiction to helping anxious men.

I used to be like fhis...for nigh on 20 years but grew out of it after therapy, working on myself, improving self esteem etc. It was absolutely childhood trauma and codependency in my case. I realised I didn't want my future to look like my (or my mother's) past.

Highly recommend CoDependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much.

Actually I think maybe this rings a bell.
My mum would very much rely on me to listen to her thoughts / worries for hours when I was a teen...

@PerkyMintDeer can I ask what sort of childhood trauma (even vaguely) if you don't mind saying?

One reason I’ve seen someone close to me do this (not just in romantic relationships) is because her self-esteem is so poor she sees no role for herself if she’s not ‘needed’, and she’s only ‘needed’ if the other person is ill, unlucky, traumatised, poor, injured, bereaved, lonely etc etc.

Entirely unconsciously, it’s a power thing. They have to be ‘unfortunate’ so she has something she can give them. The idea that a happy, lucky, sociable, well person with good friends and family and a nice life, with nothing ‘wrong’ with them, might just want her around for the sake of her company is incomprehensible to her.

@Mobcap this also kind of rings a bell in that I'd say I've got quite low self esteem

Bingo

Yes, I m my mother's sounding board for all her real problems. Once they clear up, then she turns into a bratty teenager and teases me to cosy up and make alliances with other family members.

I was put in charge of my drying out dad for years on end.

No wonder I m like a moth to a flame with anxious men. By the way the anxious men don't appreciate the saving they often are ambivalent to it or throw it back in your face.

Rings a bell with me too. Never encouraged to make friendships, instead was slotted into the helper/secret saviour role.

Then later in life you make friends with needy people.

I m hyper independent, sorry for making this about me. Must get therapy.

That makes sense (mine too). Read up about mother/daughter enmeshment,
parentified children, as a starting point. "Children of emotionally immature parents" is a good book.

Oh dear, OP. My sister is like this, and my heart breaks for her. We did have childhood trauma, FWIW - our father died when we were young - but it seems to have affected her adult relationships more negatively than mine, possibly because I'm older.

She goes for older men who are - frankly - losers, but she romanticises them as brooding, intellectual, Mr Rochester-types who need rescuing. They're really not.

My view (which I don't express to her, because I don't want her to feel bad), is that I would like her to have the self-esteem to find a nice man her own age who's got his shit together.

Also, Mr Rochester was a fucking twat.

Sorry, I can't go into it. I basically was never a child and went through a hell of a lot.

My mum was like this through her marriages but her relationship now is much healthier, with an equal guy who doesn't need fixing, but they offer mutual support and companionship. It's really worth trying to get this sorted OP, especially if you want to have children as it's one thing to fix some 'broken' guy when you like living like that, it's another thing to have your children also in that role. You sound very insightful.

'Broken' guys also like very nice, very easy-going fixer type women, who wouldn't? So, choose very carefully who you focus your lovely caring nature on and make sure it's someone who also looks after you back.

@CreationNat1on how do I stop though! What realisations helped you not to feel like you're drawn to them?

In a way I've "stopped" in that I'm married to a man who hasn't got any massive trauma in his life. He came from a very loving family (I'd say more warm, drama-free than mine). Overall he's VERY emotionally stable but a few years ago he'd gone through a patch of being quite depressed and anxious, probably largely caused by lockdowns and being stuck inside and perhaps the subsequent arguments we had as a couple. In that time he'd probably cry weekly if not multiple times a week, tell me I'm the best thing in his life etc and I honestly did feel sad for him, wanted the non-depressed man back. But a part of me also was drawn more to him for being vulnerable with me.

This is a massive improvement on my exes though, as one particular stands out where I dated a man for a couple of years who came from a DV household (as in, his dad hit his mum) and he'd tell me how I'm his dream woman, frequently cry about his childhood to me. The same man would also frequently shout at me, but his moments of crying in front of me and vulnerability kept me with him much longer than I should have stayed.

@PerkyMintDeer no problem at all!! And sorry for asking if inappropriate!!

Rescuer issues.

I was one for years. My friends used to joke that in a room full of 200 men, i'd home in on the most fucked-up one.

It got old when I was 40 and a had a disastrous pseudo-relationship with a younger man who was more fucked-up than I could handle and he was not only abusive but went out of his way to try and destroy me in every way imaginable.

Rescuer complex. I have it. It's why I just don't date at all. Ended up with an abuser.

I was like this - I’m a bit better now. Great help to me was the Baggage Reclaim website.
worth having a look at?

Rescuer here too. Not even childhood trauma, I think, just eldest child getting messages of "Don't be needy, the others need to be attended to first." Also ended up with abuser and have stayed single since.

Should have added - my poor sister was in an abusive relationship for 16 years due to this kind of complex. The scales finally fell off a couple of years ago, but she's now moved on to the next Mr Rochester. Hopefully this one will be merely a loser, and not also a violent one.

I don't know the answer, I m perpetually single and enjoy casual sex. Better to be single than fixing someone (unfixable by fucked up me).

Therapy and books are the answer, must work on myself.