To feel that these comments were intended to make me feel like a sh*t parent

[RachM84]

Ok this may be a long one I apologise in advance. Why do I let other people’s opinions get to me and make me doubt myself and then end up overthinking things and questioning if what I’m doing is right. Is anyone else like this? Today my sister messaged me to chat and she ended up making me feel bad and quite anxious (I have anxiety) Ok so a few weeks ago I got an email to say I’d won a competition for a 7 night cruise for two. I enter competitions as a hobby and never expect to win I just do it for fun so I was gobsmacked. Anyway once everything was confirmed with the cruise company i asked if I could possibly book my kids on the cruise if they want to come and was told I could at an extra cost of us of course.

My kids are 21, 18 and 13. I asked them did they want to come and all three of them said no. They like the idea of cruising just not this particular ship as it’s for old people apparently lol. I know my 13 year old shouldn’t really get a choice in the matter as he’s a child after all but there is not much on board for him to do aside from a kids club which he refused to go to and swimming which he also won’t do. You see he is autistic and very sensory to things. I’ve told him if he changes his mind of course he can come and we’ll book him on but up to now the plan is for him to stay home with his brother and sister who are more than capable. We sail on the 1st of September so he will be in school a couple days later and his routine is important to him eg we never take him out of school usually. I did feel guilty at first at the thought of leaving him at home but then everyone I’ve spoken to eg friends and family have all said he will be fine in his own home with two capable siblings and friends and family on hand to check in on him. So then why have I allowed my sister to make me feel like crap.

She messaged me this morning to chat and we got on to the subject of the cruise. She assumed I’d be going with my daughter as she had an expressed an interest in going to the destination we’re going to, but when she Googled the ship and cruise line she changed her mind. She said it’s too posh and not for her age so that was that. So I explained to my sister that I’d be going with my husband and she messaged back saying that I was brave leaving my son (who will be 14 by then) at home for a week and that she could never do that to her own kids as she’d feel to guilty. I explained that I had arranged for people to be on hand to check in on him and that he’d be in school most of the week anyway. She then messaged saying that she’s never even left my nephew for more than a couple of days and he’s 18 years old. I mean why can’t she just be happy for me? If she had won a cruise I’d never dream of questioning her choice to go alone with her partner. Instead I’d offer to help out or check in on her kids. I mean I am leaving my son with two full grown capable adults who happen to be his siblings and he is staying in his own home (as opposed to going to stay elsewhere) keeping his routine going. So why do I now feel like I’m a sh*t parent?

Anxiety in inverted commas !

We're leaving our kids to go on holiday, first time it'll just be us in almost 20 years.

Kids will be 16, 14 and 12..eldest in last 2 days of her GCSEs and MIL will be in the house.

Due to our jobs getting 7 days off together is almost impossible. No way are not going. Kids are more than happy for us to go as well.

You are doing nothing wrong.

Oh, your sister's a fucking idiot and you need to ignore her. You're not leaving your teenage son to fend for himself; he's with two capable adult siblings. It's fine.

Have a fab time on your cruise!

OP does not say that SIL has never been apart from her DS for more than a night. It talks about leaving him, presumably at home.

I don't think it's particularly odd not to have left an under 18 at home on their own for more than a night - they might well choose to come on family holidays and not everyone can afford to go on weeks away multiple times a year. Plus if you have younger children and no childcare, it's often easier just not to go away.

Firstly, your sister is rude and probably a bit jealous.

Secondly, being a parent, at least for me, has meant receiving endless shitty opinions from both strangers and close relatives. Ignore her!

Enjoy the cruise!!!

don't feel rubbish, people are weird.

I left my 13 yr old DC home with similarly aged (adult) siblings last year and people were pretty evenly split between we’ve been leaving ours since they were 16 and 12 and you’re the worst parent and we can’t believe how irresponsible you are.

people are weird. Leaving an adult looking after a teen is completely normal and ok

She sounds jealous. I'd do the same thing in your shoes. Ignore her and enjoy your free holiday! 🚢

Omg..one of your kids is 21 then 18..they could have their own kids, why on earth is it crazy to leave a teen with them.

Have fun! Your sister sounds OTT.

Lucky you for the great win! she sounds jealous op. Don't let her jealousy make you feel down. She thinks its a badge of pride to have never left her ds alone.
Your dc will be in very capable hands and it will be a lovely break for you and dh. Don't tell her anything when its good news in future.

I chose not to expect my older child to look after my younger child. That's not because he isn't capable, but because I feel that I am the one responsible for parenting, and not him. (Possibly this stems from being put "in charge" of my younger siblings one time too many when I was a child and then being told off when they didn't listen to me)

Obviously different families can make different decisions, but I don't think SIL is "crazy" to say that she wouldn't choose do this. I don't think it's helpful for OP for posters to mock SIL either. The issue on this thread is that 2 parents have made different parenting decisions. Both are valid. You can be secure in your own decision whilst accepting that others make different ones - you don't have to tear their decision to shreds.

Sounds like jealousy.

Your older children are 21 and 18, adults! So they can easily take care of 13 year old.

Go and enjoy it!

because it's a totally different relationship with siblings than your own baby. plenty of siblings would set their younger brother on fire.

they'll probably have a lot of wild parties.

Thank you for all of your reassuring comments. With regards to leaving my adult kids to babysit my youngest. My son was 20 before I asked him to look after his brother overnight. He was happy to do this and things went fine so we gradually started to take one night stays here and there and every time things have been good. I know a week is different to a night but I have several friends and family members all of whom live between half a mile and two miles from my house all of whom my ds knows well and they’re happy to check in on him whilst we are away. If my ds and dd weren’t happy to look after their brother then I wouldn’t leave him with them it’s as simple as that. I’ve felt guilty about one thing or another since I became a parent at 20 years of age and like most parents do i put myself on the back burner to raise my kids. I’ve always been 100% about my kids which friends and family have commented on in the past but I feel like I now want but. It’s importantly need a bit of me time. My own parents didn’t really do weekends away but once I got to teenage years they’d go out most Friday Saturday and Sunday evenings leaving me with my sister. I didn’t resent them for doing this in fact I loved the 1-1 time with my sister and how quiet the house was just us.

@Picklesjar20 I assure you my dc won’t be having wild parties. In fact they couldn’t think of anything worse than having their friends round whilst their younger brother (who they obviously love but is embarrassing) home. They rarely go to parties now that they’re old enough to go out for a few drinks but if they do they go to parties at their friends houses as their houses are huge compared to ours.

you are only being unreasonable to let her get to you. You know your son is being cared for appropriately, and he had the choice to come and rejected it!
When people are just unnecessarily rude like that the only comeback is to either go grey rock and not respond at all just 'mmm okay, well speak to you when we come back,' or (if you're more of a petty bitch like me) throw it right back and play her at her own game,
'Really? NEVER left him alone? That's so strange? Are you worried he's not mature enough to handle it? That's very unusual for an 18 year old isn't it? Aren't you worried your stymying his development by being so overprotective? Has he really never been on a sleepover or to scouts camp or anything? Most boys his age are going away with friends or to university by the time they are 18. Gosh, you must be really worried about him if he's so behind. It's so important for them to spread their wings. I'd be really ashamed if my son wasn't mature enough to be left alone by his age....'

You sister does sound jealous. If that's not it, she's allowing her own anxiety to colour her view of what's normal or safe. A 14-year-old will be fine with two older, responsible siblings in the house and mature adults to call in, if necessary.

Ignore your sister and enjoy the cruise!

@RachM84

Babe,
You said it yourself, a trip like this doesn’t come around everyday.
You have and still raising 3 kids.

If you don’t take it someone else less deserving will.
Grab your husband and go!
P.S your sister is jealous, who wouldn’t be you just won a FREE cruise

I would do as you’re doing in this situation. You know they’ll be fine - so take a deep breath and tell yourself that she is wrong.

Because she IS wrong. You know your Dc better than she does- and I would not dream of commenting like that on what my DB does with his DC. So she’s doubly wrong, if that makes sense.

Go and have a great time! If it’s Cunard, I’m envious. We love their cruises, but I’m sure it will be great whoever you’re going with.

I left my 4 kids with their grandparents ages ranging from 13-3, while my husband and I went on our first ever cruise. Then we booked for a few months later, and left them again with their grandparents. My parents were happy to do it, and the kids loved staying with them - I did not feel guilty 🤣 I work full time and mum full time - I'm grateful I have people to help and I can have a break.

Do not feel guilty, your child will be left with ADULTS, who are more than capable of taking care of him.

We have another booked another 2 for next year. One for just us and then November 2025, we will be going with all the kids.

Enjoy your cruise!

I've been holidaying without my children since they were reception age. Do not feel guilty. Enjoy and come back relaxed

Each to their own but I hope you go/ went on family holidays as well.
Stopping at Nan’s for a week isn’t the same as a holiday however you spin it.

Potatoleopard absolutely.
The children enjoyed a two week family holiday every year with us in July/August and we snuck in either a week late October on our own or 3 nights on the Eurostar somewhere.
They also all enjoyed holidays with their other parents so they also had two holidays each year.

Fair play then.

Put your sister on a complete information diet going forward.

Her response is ugly, nasty and designed to upset you.

Don't dismiss it. She is not your friend.
Once you realise someone is intent on making you feel bad, step back, tell them nothing.

Yours is a very reasonable plan.
Go on your cruise and have the best holiday.

@RachM84 are you the OP who was worried about clothes to go with? It really sounds as though you need this, so go and enjoy yourself. Don't think that just because your sister can afford what you are doing, she isn't put out about it, not so much jealousy as you stepping out of the box she sees you in.