Wording an email to abusive ex

[Nchanged89]

Hi, I need to email my clown of an ex. DD is 16, needs braces, all approved by orthodontist but she needs to see hygienist at her dentist before we see orthodontist again.
Ex dealt with all dental stuff before, he's passed the orthodontist on to me and is seeming he wants to pass the dentist on to me. He is a bare minimum dad, doesn't pay a penny over his CMS, won't do anything extra. I have no contact with him as he was/is abusive. I have a separate email address that I use for contact with him when it's essential. I basically need to tell him to stick it up his arse, I will take her to orthodontist but general dentist appointment, were and should still be his responsibility as he registered her, takes her and deals with it.
Can anyone help me word this, he is a nasty abusive individual, no matter what issues I've raised in the past, he turns it round to be all my fault with nasty insults thrown in.
The thought of contacting him makes me feel ill with anxiety.
Can anyone help me word it.
Thanks.

Will he take her to the hygienist though? I think I’d try to move dd to my dentist and ensure it actually happens, when they have braces you need to be on to of cleaning and hygiene visits, a lot of muck can get stuck in the braces and ultimately it’s your dd who’ll suffer if he can’t be arsed.

you can’t make someone be a good parent, you can just limit their ability to fuck stuff up for everyone else.

Take on the responsibility. Its not worth the hassle imo

Thanks, my dentist isn't taking people on at the moment I don't think. He will take her if he is told he has to. He seems to be slowly checking out more and more since DS turned 18, gradually shirking the last few parenting responsibilities he actually has.

Sorry OP but I’d just take over the responsibility of it, you need to be 100% certain dental stuff is being done correctly and on time.

Call your dentist - many have closed lists officially but will take on children of registered patients.

you have 2 years to get through, accept he’s a dick and then see you can minimise the headache his dickishness causes.

Can't you just ring and book the appointment and she can take herself?

Probably not what you want to hear but with braces your DD will need more regular dental check ups / hygiene visits so in your position and with your ex track record I would probably take responsibility for the dentist to make sure it all happens.

You say just contacting him at this stage is making you ill with anxiety and i suspect the ongoing need to be chasing / checking up on other dental appointments will cause you even more anxiety.

Pretty miserable that you can’t depend on your ex to do basic parenting stuff, but for your own piece of mind, stress levels and to protect yourself I would pick up the dental stuff for your DD.

I've just spoken to my dentist, they have 15k people on the waiting list so I cant register her there.

Can't you make the appointment at her own dentist ? I know you shouldn't have to but it would help all the stress.

I'm going to have to.

He just infuriates me to how little he does and how I've ended up with his 1 responsibility he has. I want to tell him, no he does it. He doesn't do anything else apart from seeing her 2 nights every 2 weeks and pay the legal amount of CMS he has to. I even stupidly let him off with paying late and had the option to have it collected from his wage and him paying 20% extra.

I don’t understand why you don’t just take her yourself. Sorry, what am I missing?

The dentist he registered her with is near his house, I don't drive and have poor mobility. Quick job for him, not so easy for me.
And the principle he just can't be arsed and it's another thing he doesn't give a shit about.

No matter how well you word the email this isn’t going to change….
anything you say just gives him the satisfaction of knowing he gets under your skin …..
personally I’d just never contact him again. Only respond to his communication in five words or less and only respond when absolutely necessary….

Ok, I get that it’s inconvenient to travel.
and it’s annoying that he’s shirking his responsibilities.

In the great scheme of things though a disinterested dad is distressing but much preferable to an actively cruel controlling dad. Everything is relative, though and for you this situation is very upsetting. How is your daughter taking it?

My ex is very similar but I just do as PP have suggested and take on the responsibility for it. Yes it’s a pain but it is better than interacting with him.

Also I take her to a private hygienist for the airflow treatment as it is great but it is pricy. She goes every three months to keep her mouth as fresh as possible with braces.

I think it's hard for her to take her dad is a waste of space. He's done plenty of shitty things over the years and as she gets older she's understanding it more. I have to add I've never bad mouthed him in front of either of my DC, encouraged them to see him, never stopped access.
She's excited about getting braces but is nervous too as the treatment recommended is a long haul.
She feels awkward telling me that he's told her that he's not doing it. You would think 10 yrs nearly down the line he would have stopped the trying to make my life more difficult crap.
He doesn't deserve the title of father. He is a horrible man.

Can you talk to the dentist reception to make her an appointment and be on the contact list.
Qhy waste your energy and nerves on a waste of time Dad.
I would enjoy having the peace of no contact that debating or mind games.
Can she get herself to the dentist?

Ahh, it’s awful. I’m sorry this is what’s happening to you and your children, both now and in the past.

There’s a similar situation in my family, two of my grandchildren are very badly impacted by having to have contact with a cruel and emotionally abusive father, so while I’m not walking in your shoes I have some understanding of the awfulness of these things. The dentist was something he interfered with actually- got the contact details changed to his number etc but then neglected to take them.

We have many, many more years to endure before we reach the age your children are at. It just drains the life out of you. I hope your children and you are able to heal and find some respite from it all.

If the dentist is near his house and she's 16, why does she need her mum or dad to accompany her?

Because she lives with me not him.

Could you not try to time the appointment for when she's with him?

If he gets wind of this he will make an excuse to why he won't have her on that day.

I have the barest minimum contact with him, it's the only way I've been able to cope with him still existing in the world.
My son has nothing to do with him now he doesn't have to, it's sad but it's all on him.

How far away does he live ? Can she get to the dentist by taxi or public transport ?