Still dread LOs birthday

[Lollipop20]

I have a soon to be four-year-old boy and gave birth during the pandemic in 2020. He was nearly 10Lb and came out a very awkward way it was vaginal delivery so as you can imagine I wasn’t left down there in the best way although I only got second degree tear in the end which they were surprised about, however after that I couldn’t get the placenta out but after some medication I did manage to but this lead me to hemorrhage. Only an hour after delivery they said my partner had to leave and I had to stay in to be checked on with baby, this was my first child so found this really upsetting and also I absolutely wasn’t with it due to the blood that I had lost. I was kept in for 3 more days with baby but my partner couldn’t see us at all and then on the third day whilst in hospital our baby deteriorated and was rushed to ICU with sepsis all this was happening and still my partner couldn’t come in and could only listen to the doctors diagnosis etc over loud speaker. Long story short after some other medical complications (again partner could only be there on the phone) and 2 weeks in ICU with it being just me we were able to leave- I received no help from anybody and developed really bad Post natal depression which again was dealt with over the phone and anti depressants and then I just carried on with life. I do genuinely still feel mentally scarred by the experience and every time it comes up to his birthday I feel myself detaching and deteriorating it’s like I have post natal depression again. I know my story is definitely not as traumatic as others and actually feel a bit pathetic that this is still an issue but I wondered if anybody experiences something similar when it’s around birthday etc and if this is reasonable? Lol Thanks

That sounds awful, and I'm so sorry you went through all that alone. I didn't have anything nearly so badly, but have had some stress that I find recurs when memory or a date prompts it. I've found that consciously talking about it really helps. It is tempting to think you "shouldn't" keep talking to your partner and friends because "it was ages ago", but until your brain manages to fully process it, it won't go and talking might help. Eventually time does heal, but not as quickly as you might want. Best wishes for you and a big hug, I wish things had been gentler for you.

Have you had any therapy about this? It seems as though you maybe push it away until you have no choice but to confront it. Maybe talking about it would help.

Of course you are not pathetic! Sending you love and virtual hugs. We all imagine something like giving birth goes a certain way. I got pregnant at 18 in the 60s. I went to all the pre natal classes, relaxation etc. my late DM only had me,I was 5lb, and she said it was a doddle. She said she slept investigating contractions, and that's what we were told in the classes. I was 7st,5.2inches. tiny bump, moved house at 36 weeks no one knew I was pregnant. No scans in those days. Manual feel said twins, turned out dds bum,left lateral breach. Booked cs hospitalised pre eclampsia. Waters broke, emergency CS. Horrible hospital and staff,so bad I called my GP out. Then staff were really tasty.pp psychosis, hallucinations, while awake, including thinking the baby was putting a pillow over my head trying to kill me! No help in those days, just heavy meds( the old "purple hearts") was told now to get pregnant go at least 4 years. Following year,gall bladder and appendix removed. I did have DS 7years later,(and a couple more) my youngest DD size 0, has quite big babies,3 hours,no tears, sutures, nothing. I know women who have ended up resenting their babies because of the things they went through. I know people say,you forget what childbirth is like, rubbish,she's coming up 54. I can remember everything, but I hope you will be able to celebrate,you are here, your child is here, because of you. It wasn't the experience you hoped for or wanted. Life is like that. I was nursing many years, marvel at the stoic nature of humans in the face of adversity.

Hope you can understand this, I see my phone has changed several words..I have almost died several times, I won't ever forget, but I deliberately didn't make a note of the actual dates. I can of course appreciate you cannot do that with a birthday. When I did physiology,there was a brilliant book, I don't have it anymore,or the name,it said you can't change events or the past,so you re-frame how you feel about them.

I am so sorry this happened to you, @Lollipop20. I agree with @Thingsthatgo, that therapy might help you process what happened to you.

Stop apologising about your experiences. Just because you think someone may have had a more traumatic birth, doesn't make how you feel invalid. It very much sounds like you may have some from of prolonged trauma. I would explore this with your GP. If you are experiencing dissociations and falshbacks, you may well fit the criteria for PTSD diagnosis and need appropriate trauma-focused therapy.
Everyone responds to trauma differently. Some people experience post traumatic growth and some post traumatic shock. Both are valid.

I had a traumatic birth 20 years ago. Nobody really asked about how I felt. I was in itu and not able to care for my baby etc. Discharged home and told to get on with it, I was physically unwell for a year (mentally for 19 years).
I cried every birthday for 19 years. Then last year I had emdr (for something unrelated originally but we touched on this). It was the first time I didn't cry on dc birthday this year. Like you I just pushed my emotions down, never dealt with it because at the time I'd been told well your both lucky to survive/be here you should be thankful.
Please get help and support I wish I had done so many years ago. It's definitely not pathetic, quite the opposite when you've carried on caring for dc.

@GRex @Thingsthatgo @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius thank you for your kinds words, I think talking will help, it’s now trying to find someone who I can feel comfortable with locally.

@Umbrellamaybeneeded thank you for this and sorry you went through your own struggles. How did you come across EDMR? Did you find it more effective than talking therapy? Thanks

I had a lockdown baby with a traumatic birth, I was lucky that it was so traumatic all rules went out of the window and I got the support. Therapy really did help with the ptsd though, I would highly recommend it. I still struggle round my sons birthday but it's getting better each year.

I did private EMDR years and years ago, it’s evidence based for trauma recovery, it’s about reprocessing memories and difficult events. Some NHS areas offer it, you may have to go privately. Speak to the GP. Might also be worth contacting Birth Trauma UK. Big hugs to you xxx

I was referred after having a traumatic medical experience and being diagnosed with ptsd. I had talking therapies which weren't helpful. I waited for 4 years to have emdr and honestly was very sceptical. However it felt like I owed my dc the effort and it was my last option. It hasn't cured me but it has helped. One of the reasons I think it hasn't cured me is the long wait but also that I have had multiple medical traumas that weren't acknowledged at the time, my psychologist says it's more effective on individual traumas and not leaving it years. I also only had a set time frame as it was nhs if I could afford it I'd have continued, as I think it would help. So if money isn't an issue I'd go private from the start. I'd say it's been a life changer.