What kind of mother....

[TwitchyJerk]

Leaves her 4yo girl and 6yo boy with a violent schizophrenic father who does nothing to look after the children or the house.

I can understand her wanting to leave but why didn't she take us with her?

She needed to work (as a pediatric nurse...) but I don't understand why she'd choose that over us. And her new boyfriend was on the scene pretty quick. So we had to sleep downstairs in a tent of the living room of her shared house so her boyfriend could sleep in bed with her when we were to visit at weekends.

My dad didn't wash us, change our clothes, brush my hair, or feed us properly. Instead he trains us to throw knives at cardboard cut outs of aliens, teach us that everyone is trying to harm us, refuse to take me up to bed when I was scared to go alone, instead letting me stay up til 3 am watching horror movies with him... make us climb over the 6 foot gate to get into school as he didn't wake up in time to take us and didn't want to press the buzzer for us to be let in. He banged our heads together if either of us we "misbehaving" it hurt so much! The house got dirtier and dirtier, our bed sheets were never changed again. This went on for 2 years until dad was sectioned.

My mum didn't completely abandon us. She would have us every weekend. She'd send us back to school on Monday clean and with a healthy pack lunch. So... not so bad, only total neglect 4 nights a week... but looking back and thinking about it, why did she continue to drop us off every week when she knew this was going on!?!?!

She traumatised me with her mental health too. Constant threats to put us into care or kill her self (especially every christmas day... never actually tried though), screaming at us and slapping on a regular basis... oh, and tales of real child abuse like the kid she had looked after at work who's mother made them drink bleach. So, constantly trained to think other kids had it worse and we were in a good situation.

My dad never really got better. He was constantly medicated but became a sympathetic listener, a place I could stay when arguments with my mum as a teenager. He's dead now. I know he is not blameless, but so did he, and opened up about how a lot of my problems were probably because of him.

My mum on the other hand, sorted herself out and pretended to the world she was perfect all along "poor kids, they had a schizophrenic father, no wonder they are f-ed up"... all the while continuing to make horrible remarks to me, through the rest of my childhood, teens, 20s, til now, early 30s

"I bet you were a good mother" says her husband she met when I was 20.

Maybe I should be over it by now, but I'm not. Hey, it feels good to write it all down, and thank you for reading.

I think the answer is "not a very good one" but that doesn't really cover it! I'm sorry you had that in your childhood (also doesn't really cut it) 💐

I'd probably say not a good mother.
Not being facetious but have you tried therapy? Sounds like you had a rough deal when it came to your childhood and you could probably benefit from processing it with a trained professional. 💐

I'm sorry your parents failed to meet your needs by such a long way, and even more sorry that the safety nets which are there to protect kids like you and your sibling also failed. I hope your life is better now, but I'm not surprised you don't feel over it: It was wrong and nobody stepped in to change things.

Not a good one. You were seriously let down. Please seek therapy to help you deal with this. None of this was your fault but now you're having to deal with it. Sending love.

What an horrendous childhood OP.

You write so eloquently of what happened to you.

I just want to give you some hugs.

💐💐💐💐💐

So sorry this was your experience.

What support do you have now?
Have you had counselling?

I came from an abusive family dynamic (not on the level of yours) it was through extensive counselling that I managed to accept it happened and learn to make better choices in adulthood.

I found myself able to forgive my mum in later life. My dad I still see and support but I'm not emotionally close to him and I haven't fully forgotten. My sister I struggle with as she still has some of the traits and her behaviour has impacted on my children. In the last few years I have started to manage Grey rock techniques with her. I don't feel ready to move her out of my life but I would if I needed to.

Thanks all.

Yeah I've had some short therapies in the past but unfortunately I became the queen of repression.

And then I got sick with what used to be known as "hysteria"... now FND. Many complicated details and no one seems to understand, but my understanding is that chronic stress builds up so much it come out in uncontrollable physical symptoms. I'm learning how to cope and have got a lot better than 2 years ago when I first got sick. But I'm pretty much disabled atm and struggling to look after myself, but have been looking deeper into my past to see what's gone wrong and how to fix it!

Therapy on the cards but right now I'm struggling with day to day, and my brain's only just refocusing after breaking, life so it's hard. Interestingly I don't "feel" stress/anxiety anymore since I got sick- it just comes out in involuntary physical symptoms (screaming, twitching, difficulty breathing) all so bizarre.

Sadness I can still feel, and Learning that crying is actually good to release your feelings rather than more repression.

Have you heard of developmental trauma and adverse childhood experiences? There's a lot linking childhood experiences to physical illness there. Perhaps reading up on it will give you a better understanding of the reasoning behind your physical symptoms and how to calm the brainstem and such to support you to continue the processing journey?
Sending love your way x

Yes. I've been listening to lots of audio books and trying to learn about the brain and what's going on. Has definitely helped me.

Like I wouldn't have been able to look at the screen long enough or choose my words without getting confused a year ago.

Slowly slowly working on trying to get better- but I was so ill before, so it takes a lot of effort for small rewards in terms of recovery!

Kudos to you for being so proactive in moving forward, I'm glad to hear things are improving, even if just in small ways:)

Not wishing to hijack at all but I have to say with just a few tweaks I could have written that myself.

But mostly to thank you. For months now I've been trying to summon the strength to write about my childhood trauma but never quite seem to be able to. I'm awake now and feeling very low and this post has given me the kick I need to get this shit out of my head.

So as shitty as all of this is... A big thank you for sharing and I really do hope you can somehow come to terms with it all. Doing what you're doing is a great start xxx

Good, thanks, do what you can now before you become me. I have a special journal for writing down trauma as its cathartic, I think it gets it out of your head as it gives a chance to think about it in detail.

My journal is personalised with U matar on the front. (You matter) but it's an anagram of trauma. I thought I ordered A5, but it was actually A4... the universe telling me I have more to write about?

Good luck to you!

Beautifully written. Remember that you’re not that little girl anymore and you can care for her now. Lots of self love - water, food, sleep, sunlight, movement. Nobody cared for you then, which is really sad, but you can step up for yourself now xxx

You are a survivor, you have had such an awful traumatic experience and your mother has attempted to gaslight you into thinking you had it good. You know full well you were let down.

Please don’t let it define the rest of your life, get all the mental health support you can and thrive.

I know it’s not that easy, I had an incredibly traumatic upbringing but you come across as so strong and write so well.

Please keep being strong and if it helps to tell your story then keep writing - even if it’s just for you to look back at how far you have come.

I wish I could give you the biggest hug and l hope you will believe me when I say I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you inner courage and future happiness.

You deserved so much more but have control of your own destiny now and I reckon you’ll have the skills and resilience to cope with anything.

Please update us when you feel you can ❤️.

Sad childhood and not a good mother.

I would tell your mother the truth! That she was terrible and how abusive she and your father behaved. I suspect she will blame you, your brother or father… anyone but herself.

Im sorry you had a difficult early start in life.

Honestly she was a terrible mother, I’m sure in her mind she had her reasons to justify it. But that definitely doesn’t make her right about it. I think most people would struggle to understand why she did it.

I'm sorry you went through that. I'm glad you've survived and know you deserved better.

Anger and resentment is a normal reaction to what she allowed to happen to you and how she treated you. I mostly grey rock but it's hard not to have deep reactions to those who should've cared the most but who instead, harm the most. Migraines are one way my stuff shows up and I've learnt that crying helps too! I hope you continue to heal.

They both sound like bloody awful parents. Massive neglect and emotional, physical abuse. It’s also possible your mum was mistreated by him and unable to cope, made poor decisions, saw her work as a lifeline. Time to put yourself through therapy and unpick everything. You deserved and needed a good childhood but got the opposite

Both of your parents were struggling with mental health but I do tend to judge your mother harder. As a MH nurse she knew you ought not to have lived with your father and she should have contacted SS in order to get help. You have every right to feel anger and resentment towards your parents because they did not provide the basics children need to grow up into stable human beings; stability, love, boundaries and even basic hygiene. Do not feel pressured into forgiving them. Understanding that your dad had a serious mental illness is one thing, forgiving your parents is another.

And how about neighbours, extended family, school? How come noone noticed?

I am so sorry you did not get the childhood you deserved, that all children deserve. Be kind and understanding to yourself. It would be a miracle not being broken after what you have been through. Definitely try to get therapy, you have lots to get out of your system. As a mother I would just like to give you a big hug and protect the little girl you once were.❤️