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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH hates help from my parents

25 replies

fuckingirritating · 11/08/2024 18:41

Bit of background, my parents are very loving and family oriented and love being around us and helping out and seeing DD. DH doesn't see his dad and has a good relationship with his mum although she has zero motherly instincts and shows no love or affection towards him.

My DH seems to hate my parents offering help and sees it as a criticism of him. Example: we went out for a meal today and DD was getting fed up waiting for her food so starts screaming. My dad takes her out of her highchair for a wander and brings her back but she then refuses to get back in it and massive tantrum takes place. Eventually calms down and we carry on. DH says to me when we get home if it was wasn't for you dad taking her out of her chair none of that would have happened. Granted we couldn't get her back in her chair but she was screaming the place down so that was a good option, or at least that's what I thought and I thanked my dad for taking her outside.

We are going away with them in a few weeks (this was originally DHs idea, can you fucking believe it) so I said at least we have an extra pair of hands to help as it's tough at the moment (DD is 21 months) he proceeds to go on about how he doesn't need help looking after his daughter (fuck right off) and they best not be around us all the time interfering. I said I agree I want time for us as well as a family of 3 but I see it as my parents wanting to help out and spend time with us.

I just don't know if it's because he isn't used to a close family unit and has never known one? I also have this feeling he is jealous of my dad in that my dad has done really well career wise and he will never make the money he has or will be able to give DD the life I had. I want to make it clear though I don't give a shit about how much he makes, we have enough to enjoy our life and not worry so that is good enough for me. I just get the vibe he has a massive chip on his shoulder and it's really fucking me off.

Sorry for the swearing and the ranting but I just need to vent.

OP posts:
Aheadfullofwords · 11/08/2024 20:13

Yeah his reactions are a projection of how he feels about himself and his lack of parental relationship.
He needs to get himself in therapy and deal with his underlying issues.

Chocolateorange22 · 11/08/2024 20:29

YANBU
I do imagine he feels his macho pride is being knocked when he isn't seen as being 100% on parenting or earning potential etc. He does need to see someone ideally though as it sounds like there might be some childhood trauma there. Either that or your parents really do appear in bedded a bit too much into your core family.

Do you frame it in a context to where your parents help could benefit your relationship? For example your parents having your DC so that you can have an anniversary night away or an adults only holiday. Perhaps make it out that your parents aren't there to criticise him in any form but that they could benefit him in ways he hasn't thought of?

SauviGone · 11/08/2024 20:34

So what was ‘Dad of the year’ doing while his DD was screaming the place down in her high chair?

He's saying she should have been left in there?

Is he always such a prick?

coodawoodashooda · 11/08/2024 20:36

SauviGone · 11/08/2024 20:34

So what was ‘Dad of the year’ doing while his DD was screaming the place down in her high chair?

He's saying she should have been left in there?

Is he always such a prick?

Yeah. He's trouble making and dumping crap on your parents to divide you all. My xh tried this with me.

Original poster
fuckingirritating · 12/08/2024 20:16

Chocolateorange22 · 11/08/2024 20:29

YANBU
I do imagine he feels his macho pride is being knocked when he isn't seen as being 100% on parenting or earning potential etc. He does need to see someone ideally though as it sounds like there might be some childhood trauma there. Either that or your parents really do appear in bedded a bit too much into your core family.

Do you frame it in a context to where your parents help could benefit your relationship? For example your parents having your DC so that you can have an anniversary night away or an adults only holiday. Perhaps make it out that your parents aren't there to criticise him in any form but that they could benefit him in ways he hasn't thought of?

I have tried to say frame it as help but he just claims we don't need help. He will constantly whinge about having no time on our own ever and when they offer to have DD for a few hours he refuses. Seriously sick to death of his attitude and him

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckingirritating · 12/08/2024 20:17

SauviGone · 11/08/2024 20:34

So what was ‘Dad of the year’ doing while his DD was screaming the place down in her high chair?

He's saying she should have been left in there?

Is he always such a prick?

Exactly. What was he doing? Fuck all, but has the gall to complain when my dad helps 😡

OP posts:
FranceIsWhereItsAt · 12/08/2024 20:26

Sounds to me like your holiday could make or break your marriage if it's always like this OP, as clearly your DH, isn't going to enjoy himself, and will be frequently making nasty comments about your parents to you, thereby spoiling the holiday for you too. I think you need to have the whole thing out with him before you go away, as the last thing you want is a blow up in front of your LO and your parents. Tell him that if he's going to be like this while you're away, then it's better he doesn't go with you, because you're seriously sick of this sort of BS, and then see how he reacts.

Ohiwish12 · 12/08/2024 20:28

He sounds ungrateful tbh!

MintyNew · 12/08/2024 20:30

Yanbu, loving and involved GP are such a blessing and he sounds extremely jealous. He's placing his own selfish feelings before your dd. So he didn't do anything to calm your dd down yet criticises your dad?
Also him making these 'threats' about the holiday would piss me off so much. Would he rather his uninvolved parents be the example for his own child.

MintyNew · 12/08/2024 20:32

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 12/08/2024 20:26

Sounds to me like your holiday could make or break your marriage if it's always like this OP, as clearly your DH, isn't going to enjoy himself, and will be frequently making nasty comments about your parents to you, thereby spoiling the holiday for you too. I think you need to have the whole thing out with him before you go away, as the last thing you want is a blow up in front of your LO and your parents. Tell him that if he's going to be like this while you're away, then it's better he doesn't go with you, because you're seriously sick of this sort of BS, and then see how he reacts.

I agree with this. Instead of him laying down threats, take control and issue him with the stance you are taking. He either sorts his attitude out or stay behind and you think of what you want to do while away from him.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2024 20:36

Why wasn't he the one taking your screaming child for a walk, and if you didn't ask him that directly, why not?

You've got a big problem on your hands.

Brefugee · 13/08/2024 17:33

fuckingirritating · 12/08/2024 20:17

Exactly. What was he doing? Fuck all, but has the gall to complain when my dad helps 😡

Show quote history

say exactly that. And in your shoes? I'd go with mum & dad without DH

Turophilic · 13/08/2024 17:39

He’s being an insecure arsehole. Tell him to man the fuck up; everyone who is sane likes and appreciates help and care from extended family.

If that threatens his idea of what being a father means or if he sees it as undermining himself as a parent, he needs to get over himself. He’s not less of a father to your DD because Granddad comforted her.

eosmum · 13/08/2024 17:46

Can you put it to him that you are your dads DD and wouldn't he love to have that kind of relationship with his DD when she is older? Rather than the kind he has with his parents. That your parents love helping you and he will love helping her? He could be like your dad not his.

Jennyathemall · 13/08/2024 17:59

He’s projecting. He presumably feels inadequate and/or embarrassed. Probably has a lot of anxiety about it.
He needs to relax. 1st step would be to admit how he feels. He needs to get to a position where he feels comfortable with your parents. How he gets there…?

ChekhovsMum · 13/08/2024 18:02

I have extremely helpful, involved and generous in-laws, but my own parents are both dead, and for a long period before they died they both had dementia. They were also pretty old (had me in their early 40s) and I was an only child, so the ‘relationship reversal’ that happens to most people eventually, happened to me when I was about 30, which is over 10 years ago now.

I find it really difficult when DP and his brothers get help, presents and even basics like clothes given to them on a regular basis, but of course I benefit as well, especially now we have DC, so it’s a pretty complex set of emotions. It’s partly ‘why does any self respecting adult let their mum to choose their jumpers/dad do research for them on what car to buy? I’ve been doing that for myself for years’, partly ‘thank goodness for these guys being the parental support I never had’ and partly ‘Why can’t my mum and dad still be alive and taking care of me?’
Call him out if he’s out of line - I am sometimes, and not proud of it - but it’s likely to be coming from a place of envy/grief.

yeesh · 13/08/2024 18:08

He sounds like a selfish dickhead. The more people that love a child the better, he needs to grow up

tennesseewhiskey1 · 13/08/2024 18:09

what a shit your husband is - has he got any nice points?

petproject · 13/08/2024 18:12

Sorry you are having this issue, I have had very similar issues with this over the years - I could have written this. It is his issue and you shouldn't have to adjust or put up with it but if you want to then the only way I have found to stop my DH being like this is to be really positive and attentive to him while I am away with my parents (I think he's jealous of our close relationship) and also to model how to act with how I am around his parents. I also have openly told him it upsets me and is unfair. Good luck!

amiexpectingenough · 13/08/2024 18:14

Coming from a family that is similar to your DH, I've found it really hard to accept help unless it is in my terms. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Gentle reminders from my DH when I start getting irate remind me that I'm upset as I want my DM to be this person and resent her and myself that this isn't the case.

Perhaps it is worth a conversation around why he feels like he feels for him to realise he is projecting

Greenbike · 13/08/2024 18:21

Slightly different perspective: if this was a mother saying her PiL were interfering in parenting, and not letting her take the lead, everybody would be saying “tell them to back off, who do they think they are” etc. DP may have problems here. But is it also possible that OP’s parents are sometimes forgetting that OP and her DP are in charge? If they’re going to take the child down from the table, shouldn’t they be asking the parents (both parents) first? Could it be that DP thinks they are overstepping the mark? While OP obviously doesn’t fell that, his feelings are valid too.

SoHotandPregnant88 · 13/08/2024 18:51

Sorry to say but he sounds exactly like my exDH. It started off really well and he absolutely loved my parents. But he became very jealous over time, especially once we got married and started thinking about family. His own parents were useless, critical, cold and incredibly dysfunctional and over time he became more and more irate over normal behaviour, I had to stop seeing my parents as much. He kept saying my relationship with them was unnatural (for calling them once a week), he criticised everything they did. And he insisted contact with our parents had to be exactly equal but he hated his mother so it put me in an impossible position.

It doesn't get better, sorry.

HoHoHoliday · 13/08/2024 18:56

I wonder if you have such a good and close relationship with your parents that you are not able to see when they are overstepping, because they are your parents, so it's not an overstep to you.

Yes it's great to have a close family around, and people to help with the kids. But your DH obviously has different ideas on parenting and you should be trying to work with him on that to find some sort of shared approach for the child you have with him, rather than jump straight to criticising him because he isn't parenting the way your parents did you.

In the example you gave in the restaurant for example, maybe DH would have wanted to try distracting your DD first, to keep her in her chair at the table? But your dad stepped in. Your DH didn't complain in front of your dad so he didn't cause conflict with your parents, he waited until you were home.

You say in your OP that you think DH has a chip on his shoulder about your family but maybe you do as well? You want your family to continue as the one you grew up in but there needs to be compromise.

livelovelough24 · 13/08/2024 19:35

I am so sorry OP, this is so frustrating, I know. My exh was like this and it drove me crazy. He would never ask my parents for help even if he knew that they could help, he would not be grateful when they did help, and would act like it is nothing what they did. When my parents would visit, and this was very rarely because we lived on two different continents, he would often be moody, not talk to them and overall create this tension in the house. He never offered them help either. He was acting all high and mighty, it was horrible. This was making me so sad, especially in the beginning when we were young and I really loved him, did not want to argue with him, but felt so sorry for my parents, because this must have made them so uncomfortable.

My ex’s family was weird and I know he was jealous of my relationship with my parents and sister. Also, I realized after many years, he was (is) a narcissist, he always had to be right, he always pretended he knew everything about everything. I eventually left him as I could not take it anymore.

nokidshere · 13/08/2024 19:42

He sounds like a selfish dickhead. The more people that love a child the better, he needs to grow up

No one ever says this when it's the wife complaining about her in-laws.

OP you need to talk to your dh properly and find out where you both want to be.

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