Advice needed for dealing with In laws

[Tiredbeany]

I'm looking for some advice regarding effective ways to set some boundaries with my in laws, and in helping my DH understand my perspective.

I've been with my husband for fifteen years and we've been married for almost ten.

I come from a working class, single parent family and he from a comfortable middle class family. We're both very successful professionals working in the same role, in our late thirties. We don't have children but that is planned, and is potentially why I'm feeling I need to change the narrative here, for the sake of our future children.

For many years, my in laws, in a persistent passive aggressive and snobbish way, have consistently made me feel not good enough for their son, and generally stupid, fat and lazy. They also consistently openly speak poorly of others, including people they've just met, people they don't know on the street, and most crucially, other family members. Because they speak this way about others I know in private and to others they are likely making similar comments about me.

They maintain this very strange veneer of superficial perfection whilst under the surface there's issues with alcoholism, mental health etc which are never dealt with and lead to a horrible unspoken tension. There is never any conflict of any kind in that household. As a result of learned behaviour my husband is conflict avoidant and has real challenges expressing genuine emotion - he thinks this is normal and is yet to come to the understanding it is not.

I'm about a UK size 16, and my MIL will consistently make comments about what I eat, and will make me feel greedy for eating a normal amount. I exercise regularly and recently ran a half marathon. I'm a bit chunky but I am not lazy. They consistently talk about the achievements of my husband whilst minimising mine, and whilst he is brilliant, I've done some pretty good things too. Perversely, they have also latched onto the challenges my own family have and ask about them repeatedly, in a kind of patronising and "oh dear, how difficult that must be for your kind" kind of way.

It has come to a head as this weekend after a family trip, where I just felt belittled and not good enough. I've started to notice on a couple of occasions after we've been with my in laws my husband's behaviour towards me can transiently be a bit like theirs for a couple of days following - you don't need that ice cream, let me make a patronising comment etc. I tried to explain how I felt to him and he genuinely reacted like I was mental, rather than seeing or hearing my perspective. He says I'm being overly sensitive and have been taking things too personally for the last 15 years.

I am tired of being treated like a piece of rubbish, when in fact I know I am smart, funny, motivated and successful. I cannot allow my children to think that is how you treat others in life.

I need some advice about how I can make my DH see my point of view and some practical advice about redressing the power imbalance I seem to have fallen into with the in laws.

Am I being too sensitive/unreasonable?

I could have wrote your post.

honestly i started biting back with things like the classic “did you mean to be so rude” please don’t speak to be like that in front of my children and I v happy with my body thanks and then smile sweetly.

things progressively got worse over the years. My husband and I don’t speak to them any longer. DH was v supportive.

it’s so sad. I come from a large extended family. I enjoyed a v close bond with both my sets of grandparents. It’s something my DC’s have missed out on. I have loved the same family closeness for my children.

my mental health and that of our family come first. Every day without them in my life is a blessing but I wish it could have been different.

I don’t really have any advice I’m afraid because without your dh on side, I’m not sure how you can sort this out. I can’t believe he’s actually siding with them and I’m not sure I’d want to have children with someone who allowed his family to treat me badly and then gaslighted me.
I just wanted to say, you are definitely not being unreasonable. So often I’ll read posts about in laws and roll my eyes at a poster’s unreasonableness but that’s not the case here at all. Good luck with dealing with them all.

@SeriousNotions same it's been heartbreaking.

I went NC with mine - best decision I ever made!

My ILs are like this although their WC and I feel it comes from a place of insecurity. My husband wouldn’t tackle this together as he was worried his family would cut contact with him so we agreed I’d go no contact. I haven’t seen them now for nearly five years.

Our daughter’s only four and as she’s been raised in a home were we don’t pull other people down so she knows their behaviour isn’t ok and has already stated to limit contact with them.

You need to start pulling them up on their rude behaviour and your husband needs to back you. They all need to understand how serious you are, especially your husband.

I see four ways forward:

You pull them up on their comments. Eg Please don't talk to me like that or Please don't make personal comments or I'm quite happy thanks etc

Your husband has a word with them and asks them to be a bit more careful in how they talk to you. Your husband pulls them up on their comments in future

You keep visits short and far between and ignore the comments/try not to let them bother you

You stop seeing them and let your husband go on his own.

I would be wary of having children with someone who can't see anything from your point of view, doesn't have your back and can't deal with open communication.

The key here is your husband I'm afraid. If he can't support you then it will be very hard to make them understand and he will find himself in the middle between you and them. I'd focus on making HIM understand that their behaviour is not acceptable.

I've had 30 years of in-laws like this, it was worse once we had children and we had to endure the constant comparison of our kids to their other grandkids who they believe to be perfect in every single way.

There has been no change here but I have reduced time spent with them. But I've also fortunately become much more able to block their nonsense out tbh. You know your own worth as do I, so smile and leave early and then forget them.

I've been in your position too. His family were the only things my husband and I would argue about. Unfortunately he'd been conditioned to think that their behaviour was acceptable so it took a long time for him to realise it wasn't.
We're now NC and have been for 5 years. It's amazing and we couldn't be happier.

In your position I would:

Pull back and try not to engage as much as you can. Don't offer them anything they can use as ammunition
Your family are all "fine", "nothing to report" etc

Reap personal inner satisfaction of not letting them ruffle your feathers (or letting them think you are unruffled)

Rebuff questions with questions about them on subjects they like to talk about

Find any and every reason not to go to their house and be vv busy if you have to host them
Essentially withdraw into your head as much as you can

Now this all assumes you are happy to stick with DH and he has your back. Cause if not - then what are you doing still with him?

Hard as it may be to hear, maybe your DH agrees with them a bit? Their views will have been filling his head as he has grown up afterall.

Thank you. This is safe and very sensible advice.

Shut down, smile and give the minimum response required to promote peace.

Husband is a very brilliant man whom I love endlessly and who serves and supports me in pretty much all ways except with his parents, where he shuts down. He was raised in an environment where he continuously walked on eggshells and so has developed some abnormal coping strategies. He's also a victim of his parents behaviour, and I suspect him not backing me immediately reflects that, and he's got very abnormal thoughts patterns which he struggles to recognise. He's got a lot of work to do to break through this and I'm keen to support him to his own realisation, but realise I need to protect my own peace in the meantime.

How old are you OP? Because I wouldn't be having children with this guy until he has done the work and sees his vile parents for what they are.

Maybe have some AA brochures or look up websites for private rehab facilities for the alcoholics, narcissism specialists, etc. Let them know when they are cured, you’ll be open to discuss your family’s inadequacies.

Leave em lying around their house!!