Does anyone else feel like this? Do I need help?

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Am a regular, have NC.

I have been like this all my life and it has started to occur to me recently that it may not be normal and not only do most people not feel like this but that it is quite dysfunctional.

I constantly (and I mean every waking minute) feel like I am underachieving at absolutely everything in my life and torture myself about any down time or failure to “take advantage of opportunities”.

For example I can’t have a lie in in the morning (unless I am ill). I feel guilty and wracked with disgust and self hatred if I waste time. Feel so guilty when I watch television (in the past I used to self harm sometimes if I had more than a couple of hours in front of the TV). I do spend too long on the internet I feel appallingly guilty about this. I can’t not do housework if it needs doing. I have to plan things that don’t need planning.

If I have an idle day (for example a day when I don’t get out of the house) I feel appalling self loathing and self disgust. I always have to fit some activity in, even if I don’t want to do it. I will get a bus to a park or do something just for the sake of it.

If my child or my partner watch TV or the internet during the weekend I start to see if as a sign of my own failure: if I were a better parent my child wouldn’t want to idle away time and if I were a more attractive person I wouldn’t be with a man who wants to do nothing in the middle of the day. I don’t communicate this to them and usually I just take myself off until the feeling passes but inside I feel contempt for them.

Ironically when I am “achieving” something I always feel it’s the wrong thing and torture myself that I should be spending more time on something else.

Objectively speaking I know my life is OK and this is very much a first world problem. I have a good, interesting career for which I am well paid. I have raised my daughter alone after my divorce ten years ago without financial support. Last year my partner of seven years moved in and we now share a nice house. I own another home outright. My relationship with my partner is good, he is kind and considerate, my daughter is generally happy. I have good friends and people who care about me. There are bumps in the road as in every life but overall I know I am very lucky.

But I still feel this constant sense of huge underachievement and that I am letting myself and my child down through a lack of ambition and motivation.

Can anyone else relate this? I thought it was normal but increasingly reading threads on here have started to feel that I have some fairly major issues.

I can't relate to this but wanted to reply as I feel this must be so exhausting. I would suggest u look into professional help yo deal with this. Good luck OP

Thank you

It sounds like some kind of neurodivergence to me - obsessive and compulsive behaviour. Or a need for perfection. I would consider getting some counselling and see where it leads you. I have the guilt in my head a lot but unfortunately it never leads to action!

Yes, very much so. I feel annoyed, frustrated and disappointed with myself no matter what I do.

For example, I've spent most of today cleaning and I feel disgusted with myself that I haven't left the house to go for a walk in the sun and want to cry. Even though I don't really want to go out, and even though I should be pleased with myself for what I've managed today because I absolutely hate cleaning.

When I produce a really good piece of work I can't help but feel like it was just a fluke and I'm actually incompetent.

Even having a conversation with somebody triggers these feelings. Stuff like, why the fuck did I say that.

It's exhausting.

Did you have a shit childhood? Abusive parents?

Try to be kind to yourself.

@deademptyduck

Interesting that you mention ND. It had crossed my mind that it could be a form of ADHD. My brain feels massively overstimulated all the time and I find it impossible to relax because I equate relaxation with failure to get things done so I overcompensate with busywork, sometimes not very effectively. I’m also naturally quite disorganised (although I have had to learn to be quite self disciplined because I have raised a child alone and my job is demanding). But it doesn’t come naturally and I find the idea of planning and organising things induces a kind of panic which often leads to inertia.

You say you have been like this your whole life. So, how did your parents respond to it when you were a child? I recognise a lot of myself in your post - in my case I can squarely track it back to my parents expectation of perfection, constant criticism and constantly expecting me to achieve more.

It means that the first "voice" I hear in my head when I do/don't do anything is always theirs. I have to consciously ignore it and tell myself that what I am doing is good enough and that I don't have to be perfect at everything.

Following with interest as i also feel like this all the time OP and often wondered why. I know it’s a ‘me’ problem and try to tell myself it’s all in my head but it is exhausting. My children were at their dads yesterday and I ended up driving and walking all over the place to ensure I ‘did’ something with my time. I think with me it’s a fear of appearing lazy, or feeling lazy. I’m not sure why I have such a deep in built negative view of being lazy. I grew up in the 90s where we were sold a view of fat = bad and I suffered with some ED and over exercised. Is this it? I’m not sure. I particularly agree with the parenting thing, if my kids are sat watching tv or iPads I feel like I’ve failed them. I’m a shit parent. I try super hard not to let this show though, because I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone.

@kitteninabasket

For example, I've spent most of today cleaning and I feel disgusted with myself that I haven't left the house to go for a walk in the sun and want to cry. Even though I don't really want to go out, and even though I should be pleased with myself for what I've managed today because I absolutely hate cleaning.

Yes this exactly. I did a load of laundry earlier and then I was like “why the fuck are you doing this and not out in the sun?”. Then I went out in the sun and I was thinking: “Why aren’t you working?”

It is indeed exhausting.

This sounds like me too. FWIW I do have a diagnosis of ADHD. And a friend of mine with ADHD is the same.

I know someone like this and from the outside it just seems exhausting. Never stopping, always on edge, but never feeling satisfied. Horrible.

I’m the opposite. I love to idle. You could actually read ‘how to be idle’ by Tom Hodgkinson or similar.

Was there a sense of urgency or need for achievement in your childhood?

Agree you should seek professional help - choose a clinical psychologist as they are best placed to assess whether neurodivergence is playing a part and/or psychological factors.

Also look up the three human systems by Paul Gilbert. Sounds like your drive system is overactive.

@redskydarknight

My parents weren’t abusive but they had very high expectations of me in terms of academic and career success. My dad was very successful. My mum wasn’t; she was a SAHM and hated herself for it. She never forgave herself for not going back to work.

They were hugely fixated on what I could achieve in my life and not at all interested in my emotional wellbeing. I remember when my first proper relationship broke down (aged 19), I came back from university in pieces and they just didn’t mention it at all: they kept going on and on about academics and just brushed it under the carpet.

They were probably right in that I was never going to have a future with my then boyfriend but the signal that it sent was that my career was always going to take precedence over my happiness and I shouldn’t expect anyone to prioritise my emotional wellbeing.

I’ve done OK in life: certainly better than my mum: I have a good career and am financially self sufficient but I know my dad (who is now dead) considered me a failure in terms of my work.

I did a load of laundry earlier and then I was like “why the fuck are you doing this and not out in the sun?”. Then I went out in the sun and I was thinking: “Why aren’t you working?”

This made me laugh. Yes, this is exactly what it's like.

I never feel content. I don't mean in the broad sense, more like, content just being. I always feel like I should be doing something else. And to add to that, I'm also a terrible procrastinator so whatever I do gets done in small bursts with longer periods of inactivity or 'procrastivity' in between. The whole period of procrastination is filled with stress and self-loathing. I often go to bed at night and feel furious with myself for my perceived lack of productivity throughout the day.

@kitteninabasket

I never feel content. I don't mean in the broad sense, more like, content just being. I always feel like I should be doing something else.

Exactly. Whenever I step outside myself I realise that my life is pretty OK. But day to day everything is always disappointing and leaves me with a feeling of self disgust.

How old were you when you were diagnosed with ADHD?

I'm sorry - that sounds incredibly distressing.

I would recommend some talking therapy for sure, best if you can find a therapist used to working with ND and trauma. And GP for OCD referral.

How do you take care of yourself? Do you know what you need to take care of yourself? Can you list it? Can you do it ? The answer to this is also important to explain to the therapist/GP to help them understand how severe this OCD is for you

From my armchair, it does seem you're striving to achieve a state of perfection (which exists for no one).

I do this, ruminating if I'm doing the day 'right'. I've learnt to catch hold of myself as I've got older and tell myself, I'm doing my best, and that's ok.

Might be worth seeking some help?

This sounds like a high state of anxiety. I can be like this. But I have ADHD, ASD and suffer greatly with the related anxiety. I think you would do well to talk to someone.

@TheShiningCarpet

How do you take care of yourself? Do you know what you need to take care of yourself? Can you list it? Can you do it ?

I take care of myself as far as possible by:

a) being grateful. I know rationally that I have a lot to be grateful for and I need to appreciate the people and things in my life
b) exercising a lot, trying to eat well and avoiding alcohol (I am perimenopausal and this exacerbates it)
c) getting as much sleep as I can

I do have a very stressful and demanding job though and there’s a limit to how much “self care” I can practice. I usually work from about 7am until past 6pm (with breaks). There’s no current potential to reduce this at the moment for reasons too complicated to go into.

Bur I also at some level thrive on stress. A very relaxed job or no job would make me even more stressed.

I find work/life balance very difficult to achieve.

I was diagnosed earlier this year, at 34 after years on the waiting list. I'm starting medication soon.

If you suspect neurodivergence then I would echo what somebody else said and see a clinical psychologist. I've had a fair bit of therapy over the years but seeing a psychologist has been a totally different experience for me. Being able to discuss things from a clinical and neurobiological perspective has been extremely helpful, especially after years of therapists trying to relate it all back to some deep-rooted issue with my parents. There's no doubt my upbringing has affected me, but having the option to talk about both issues with somebody well-versed in the mechanics of the brain has made a huge difference.

Thanks and I am familiar with the concept of this but it’s really not my thing: tbh it fills me with horror.

I have to say also that it’s easy to talk about the benefits of “idling” if you’re a man from a very privileged background. It’s not that simple if you’re a single parent. If you idle through life as a single parent your child suffers.

I don’t mean to be disrespectful and I know your post was well intended but that philosophy is never going to fly for someone in my position.

@kitteninabasket

Thank you. How did you go about finding a clinical psychologist? I would be prepared to go private if I thought it would speed things up.

I think I just googled 'psychologist' and my area, found somebody who wasn't far and then checked the HCPC and BPS register to make sure she was who she said she was. We then had a 15 minute consultation where I had a chance to ask her questions, then had the opportunity to go away and think about whether I wanted to work with her or not.

You can also search here https://www.bps.org.uk/find-psychologist

@kitteninabasket

Thank you

My dad was very successful. My mum wasn’t; she was a SAHM and hated herself for it. She never forgave herself for not going back to work.

I’ve done OK in life: certainly better than my mum:

God look at the judgement here… is success measured by paid employment? I personally have no axe to grind in the whole SAHM versus WM debate. I work but would rather not. Do you perceive your mum as unsuccessful purely because she didn’t return back to work or because you wasn’t the nurturing mother you desired? I don’t know if any of that is related to your issues but those sentences certainly jumped out at me. ( and yes anyone can have periods of idling - even single mothers)