I'm Not Sure What to Do

[SummerHasArrivedatLast]

A few days ago I realised we were going to be having some (rare this year) hot weather this weekend.

So, on Friday I invited four friends, who I consider to be close friends, to come to our house for a barbecue on Sunday (today). All four said they couldn't make it. I was disappointed, but understood it was short notice.

I saw one of the four friends in town yesterday and we stopped for a chat. She seemed a bit uncomfortable and didn't want to talk for long, which seemed a bit strange. I was a bit upset, but tried not to dwell on it.

A few minutes ago I received a telephone call from another one of the four asking if I would like to go for lunch with them at 2.30pm today to celebrate the birthday of another mutual friend. The decision to invite me is clearly last minute. The lunch was clearly already planned and the reason why they couldn't accept my invitation.

If I had been invited in the first place, or even on Friday immediately after I invited them for a barbecue, I would definitely have gone. I am in two minds now. I feel like I'm not really wanted there and the last minute invitation has been given unwillingly.

Am I being unreasonable not to want to go in these circumstances?

Would you go? On the one hand it seems I wasn't really wanted there, on the other, they didn't have to invite me at all if my company was objectionable to them.

Is the person whose birthday lunch it is one of the 4 friends?
Because it may be that your closer friends have been trying to convince the birthday girl to include you.

It is very last minute. Less than 2 hours notice.
I would probably decline as it wasn't a spontaneous last minute lunch decision.

No, I wouldn’t go.

I certainly wouldn't attend in these circumstances.
Sorry OP.

Maybe they have had time to check with the fifth mutual friend that it was okay to invite you. After all you didn’t invite the fifth person whose birthday it is to your bbq. If you like them, and the fifth person, then I’d go. They probably felt awkward that the fifth birthday person hadn’t invited you and didn’t feel they could without checking with her.

The birthday girl isn't one of the four. She (Rachel) is an old school friend of one of the four (Susan) who called me just now.

Rachel is well liked by all of us and is automatically included in any social events we do together. Susan let's her know what we are doing and brings her along if she can come. Rachel has been to our house as Susan's companion on a number of occasions. If the four had accepted my barbecue invitation, I would have expected Susan to extend the invitation to Rachel and she would have been very welcome.

I have just received a WhatsApp message from Paula (the friend I saw yesterday), asking me if I would like a lift to the "impromptu" birthday celebration.

She obviously realises I might be upset and is back pedalling. I want to believe it is "impromptu" and, even if I wasn't originally invited, I would like to believe they genuinely want me there now.

I would go OP. I understand that you're feeling hurt, but they are trying to do the right thing now and I'm sure you will all have a nice time. Not going would seem to me like cutting off your nose to spite your face? Be the bigger person.

Thank you.

I'm coming round to thinking that.

Also, I'm considering what others have said about it being Rachel's (i.e a friend of a friend, albeit one I see a lot of) birthday do. There is absolutely no malice in Rachel, but objectively, I can understand why I wouldn't automatically be on her list of people to invite. She would have been welcome to come to my barbecue, but it's true that I didn't invite her directly.

Go! If you don't go, you'll just sit at home and dwell on it, and feel sad. It'll also affect how you react to future invitataions and meet-ups. The fact that Paula and Susan have both contacted you about attending means they want you to be there. If you go, I'm sure you'll have a great time.

She's not your direct friend so it's reasonable she didn't invite you although they should have all been clear about it - can't do Sunday, going to rachels birthday, and having not been clear, definitely shouldn't be inviting you now as a clear afterthought- they're clueless

i think this is an sensible way of thinking about it, and I would go and have a nice time.

They made a mistake in not sorting you an invite earlier but they are working to fix it now.

After your explanation of the friends involved and Birthday Person's relationship to you, I'd go. I don't think anyone wanted to leave you specifically out, but now it seems more that they want to not leave you out, if you get what I mean.

Thank you for your replies.

I've decided to go. Hopefully, I've got a spare birthday card in my office...

The others were invited to this birthday party, presumably bc they're a bit closer to the host. They didn't want to be rude when you invited them to the BBQ, so rather then mention it just said they weren't free.
They then discussed it amongst themselves and maybe checked with the host, as they thought it would be nice to include you seeing as you wanted to do the BBQ that day.
So, they invited you. Again, all of it is very short notice. I personally would take it in the good spirit I think it was intended.
The birthday person wasn't such a close friend, so they couldn't invite you without checking with her and chatting with eachother first.
So go along and enjoy it!

@SummerHasArrivedatLast I'm delighted you're going. You should see it as they really wanted to see you, so made the effort to get you an invite as it would be much more fun if you were there. Then next time the host will know you better, and you can invite eachother to things in future.
Have a great time, I'm sure you will x

Pfft it's not impromptu because they will all have cards and gifts. You won't. Because you only knew about it last minute.

I'd say no and be a bit sulky for a few weeks.

What would you hope to achieve by reacting like this?

@EatTheGnome that's a really miserable way of reacting to people kindly extending a last minute invite for you as they genuinely want you there. They didn't have to say anything did they?

I would rather not have know than have a last minute invitation.

OP invited people a few days ago. The group could have done made a quick call to the birthday girl then. And double booked plans doesn't make the first invitation impromptu

@EatTheGnome well that's not the way I see it. But each to their own.

But what do you think will the impact of you refusing and sulking?

Do you think they will each (either individually or as a group) reflect on how they should have treated you better and vow to make more of an effort in future.

Or do you think they will groan inwardly and think FFS here she goes again with her pas-ag bullshit, always thinking the worst when I was the one making an effort to include her? And depending on how many more similar instances they have previously endured draw further away from you?

Because I used to have a friend like you and after years of this shit, one by one people stopped bothering with her.

I agree. If they deliberately excluded me, passive-agressive behaviour would confirm they were right to do so. If there was a problem between us I would rather try to fix it than make it worse.

I did go and I'm glad I did. We had an enjoyable afternoon and - thankfully - at no point did I feel unwelcome.

If I hadn't gone, I probably would have sat at home ruminating and getting things out of proportion.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

I'd like to think the former. But as I have loads of friends and get invited to everything I guess I won't know.

People are allowed to be pissed off and in safe relationships should feel able to take themselves off for a bit and spend a few weeks disengaging because they feel hurt.

OP has said she went and is happy she did so therefore she handled it in a way that works for her.

Hope the lunch went well!
Why don't you actually invite 'Rachel' though? If she normally comes you should invite her by name, not as an add on friend - that would make me feel uncomfortable and maybe why she didn't invite you to her birthday lunch as she thinks you don't consider set her a friend without the other woman.
But if I had been a last minute invitee to this lunch, part of me would have wanted to say 'oh thanks but you know I've got a bbq planned with some friends' as to let them know they aren't the only friends I had!