Wife spending so much time with her mother and family in general.

[StephHi]

Hi all,

I wanted to ask if I am being unreasonable to feel quite frustrated that my wife spends a lot of time with her mother and family and I feel that this is sometimes to the detriment of our relationship. I genuinely don’t know if how I’m feeling is reasonable and justified or am I being controlling unbeknownst to myself and I would hate if I am being controlling and would like to stop doing that if I am.

I’ll give an example from just the week gone in to paint the general picture.

Last Friday night we went away for a night together which was really nice. Her sister minded our child so she went to her sisters Thursday to settle in our child and spend the night with her sister and mother. We went Friday. Saturday we came back to her sisters with the intention of collecting our child , going home and we had a family day planned for Sunday. My wife came to talk to me with her sister though and said she wanted to stay Saturday night with the sister instead of going back to our home and made no even mention of our planned day out as a family Sunday. I said okay because he sister and mam were there and they’re so close that I didn’t want to be called the bad guy by saying no and dragging her away from them. Anyway, I went home on my own Saturday night and my wife came back up later on Sunday. I brought up that I was hurt that our plans just got thrown away once her mother and sister asked her to say , as I feel is often the case, and I got called controlling and unfair. My family live ten minutes away whilst her mother is 45 minutes away (and sister is 1 hour away) sO it’s easy for me to see my family but not easy for her. We were down to her family Tuesday for the day (a really nice day) and back down Thursday and staying Thursday night to her mothers place. My brother asked me to go away for the night with him Friday night , very last minute plan ! I said yes and of course my wife stayed with her mother Friday night while I was away with my brother . I was really hoping to come back Saturday and see my family , my wife and child , and give them their presents that I got when I was away and just chill out with my wife for a while but of course they stayed Saturday night at her mothers and I came home an empty house, kind of wishing that i had a situation like my brother’s, who went home to his wife and children at their home. I could totally have gone to my mother and laws house Saturday night though and maybe I should have ?? I juts think it’s nice to come to my house which is the home I’m trying to build for my family , rather than having to go to my mother in laws to see my family.
Anyway, Sunday morning my wife and child stayed on at her mother’s and came back up later Sunday afternoon when the child was due a sleep rather than driving 45 minutes with the child awake in the car.

So Sorry for all the details. Basically that’s a snapshot of a quite normal passage of time with my family (wife and child) and her family. I really believe that now that we’re married and with children that we are a unit and our house is now our family home and our family comes first ( before my parents and siblings and before her mother and siblings) but I genuinely think my wife’s family comes first , way before our family. Her dad passed many years ago and my wife and her mother ar very close and I totally understand and admire that. I really admire how good my wife is to her mother but I now feel like my wife wants it all. She wants to spend as much time as she possibly can with her favourite person, her mam, but has avoided becoming a lonely spinster by having me too so she has the husband and kid. However , I feel alone quite often in our marriage and definitely feel like I play second fiddle to her family. She has brothers too, one lives right next door to the mother and the other lives 10 minutes from the mother so whilst the mam is alone in the house , she had family right there and her brothers work in the family business which is in their family home so they are beside the mam pretty much all day every day bar holidays periods and days and what not.

I really don’t know what to do! When I broach the topic my wife gets really annoyed and upset , cries and says I’m lucky to hve my family beside me whereas she’s far away from hers. Also, I feel like the more frustrated I get and the more we argue over this topic, the less she’ll like me and she’ll be inclined to spend less time with me because we’re only arguing anyway and spend more time with her family so I feel like the more I broach the topic, the more I’m actually driving her away whereas what I want is more quality time with her and my child , my family ! I feel like as an adult you move out from your parents and then create your own family and your own family home and I’m trying really hard to do that, but my wife doesn’t seem to want or to be able to do that …
Can you please give me your thoughts !? Be honest , if I’m being a controlling person I’d like to know and change that.
Thanks in advance.

You don't say what age your wife is , is she young and needing her mothers help with the child maybe ? What was your relationship like before you married and had a family of your own? Do you get on with her family ? How much time do you spend with your own family of origin?

Is there any cultural differences we should be aware of before commenting? Such as an arranged marriage?

Because otherwise your wife really, really, really doesn't want to be married to you and it's time to consider divorcing so you can find someone who actually wants to be with you. Sorry.

Her family may be an hour away, but she is constantly there, so her argument is nonsense and designed to get you to give in. Tell her family time is important, and you three are your only little branch that need time together. its off putting when your partner is enmeshed with their parents, as whilst her mother is a very important person to you both, this is over the top in my opinion.

45 mins away isn't very far at all. I find it odd that she's staying over so much.

Yes it's not hours away , that's a short trip no need to stay

Yes this is a usual amount of time to spend with your birth family, but what’s significant is it’s lots of time away from you.

The fewer days you spent together the less strong your bond will be.

I think you need to sit your wife down and say this can’t carry on - in advance work out what you would like and how much you are willing to compromise. Get a wall calendar so everyone knows what’s happening,

It’s worth pointing out to your wife that as things stand your child is not going to experience a secure family unit.

If there are cultural issues or other problems you need to take account of that, but it may be that you have to accept your wife doesn’t want to be with you and you need to end your marriage.

Read up on Enmeshment.

I think it will give you more of an understanding of your situation. But it's not good.

Thanks for the reply. My wife is in her mid thirties. Any help with children is great but it’s not a need for help with child minding to be honest. It was like this before we married yes so that’s my fault maybe for letting it linger and maybe fester over the years …her family are great, really nice poeple. I got on very well with my family but we’re all way more independent of each other . We do our own thing but see plenty of each other whereas my wife and her family don’t seem to make a move without telling each other and are was more intensely close than my family. My parents have each other too whereas my wife’s mother is on her own and I know my wife feels an intense guilt about this …

“She has avoided becoming a lonely spinster”

Someone needs to tell your wife that sometimes when you kiss a frog they don’t turn into a Prince, they stay a frog.

Cold blooded and wet.

Sounds like she's enmeshed with her family , like lots of others are saying . I'd read up on what that means and have a conversation with her about it , it's making you miserable and really isn't good longterm for your marriage.

It's not controlling at all, and it's a bit worrying actually your wife has made you feel that it may be.

I put YABU because of the lonely spinster comment. What kind of person even says that?

This isn’t normal, nor does it sound healthy. It also sounds like anything other than acceptance of the status quo is met with manipulation - tears, frustration, etc.

Instead of commenting on how much time she spends with her family, have you asked her to spend more time with you? Could you try planning activities so that she can’t just go and spend time with them?

You could also try couples counseling to help your wife understand how dysfunctional this set up is.. but usually, enmeshed families don’t WANT to see it. They are quite happy with things as they are. So as the spouse of an enmeshed person, you have a difficult task ahead of you. How do you get your wife to see that her relationship with her family is unhealthy?

I think a pp above mentioned a calendar. That’s a good start. Reassure your wife that you really like her family, but she needs to prioritize you and your children. Gently suggest counseling. Be patient, she won’t just come around overnight.

Good luck, OP. This is a tough situation.

I wonder if she feels pressure to spend so much time with them. My mother-in-law is a wonderful woman in many ways but she is also very manipulative and an expert in emotional blackmail.
My DH finds it difficult to say no to her. It has caused issues in the past but over time I've come to realise that he literally panics at the thought of upsetting her in any way, clearly much more so than upsetting me 🙄 She's terminally ill now. I will miss her in many ways but not the (occasional) strain she's put on our marriage.

Edited to add: my DH would not recognise this description of her behaviour. He doesn't see what's happening and would not be willing to discuss it. It's been normalised in his family. My adult children see it now and have discussed it with me. For the most part she's absolutely wonderful (and leans heavily into the martyrdom of devoting her life to her family)

Tbh, I couldn't live with somebody who behaved like your wife, OP. It seems very selfish. I don't have any good advice, but just send you all my sympathy.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t. Like what’s the point in even having a family with you when honestly she might as well be single living with her mum 🤷🏻‍♀️

I cant stand it when men say 'my wife'.

It's dripping in possessiveness.

I call dh my husband 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe I should start pissing on his shoes as I say it 🤣

You think single women are 'lonely spinsters'?
Do you realise how misogynistic that sounds?

No wonder your wife would rather spend time with her dear mum than you with an attitude like that.

But then she would be the lonely spinster, a fate worth than death that the OP rescued her from. Clearly she should be eternally grateful for this reprieve and be prepared to worship the ground the OP floats above in their self appointed role of saving sad well past their sell by date women from a life of solitude.

Complaining her family are far away when it’s only 45/60 minutes sounds a bit immature to me, so does wanting to spend that much time with them. It’s a lot if that was a typical week, especially staying overnight and spoiling your plans for the following day.

Is she the youngest of the four siblings? Maybe she’s used to being babied by them and quite likes it.