From a cheater. You did not love me in the way I wanted to be loved.

[Sadlemon]

My ex partner and I were together for 10 years. We have two children together and at the time of split they were both preschoolers. It turned out ex was cheating on me repeatedly, including only a few months after I gave birth to our first child. He then had multiple affairs with women but still went on to have a second child. He was the one that pushed for child two. Ihad no idea. He always talked so fondly of our family, constantly telling me he loved me and the kids. He worked away a lot.

When I finally caught him out, he then left for the current women and he told me the reason he cheated was because “I never loved him in the way he wanted to be loved” what does that even mean?

AIBU to think this is lies to absolve his shit behaviour?

There is no justification for his behaviour. If it was acceptable within the relationship you both had agreed to, if you like, why wasn't he able to do it openly? He knows that as well as you do. That shite was simply the best he could come up with. It doesn't mean anything. He was trying to blame shift and couldn't think of anything much. Don't waste time giving it meaning. He had the option to leave of he wasn't happy, or raise the issues

I once had a boyfriend who broke up with me in a very, very callous way.

I bumped into him 20 years later when he was a few months out of a relationship: he had zero contact with his daughter from that relationship, was living in shitty accommodation and long-term unemployed.

I asked him why he'd broken up with me all those years ago. He was a heavy metal fan and said that he finished with his woman (me) because she (me) didn't help him with his mind.

Turns out that 'helping him with his mind' to him was finding a woman he could leave his parents home for at 32 (having never worked) with whom he could cocklodge with, smoke drugs all day and bum about while on benefits and heavily relying on the bank of mum to fund his family.

The woman he cocklodge with came to her senses and eventually chucked him out.

I say this to illustrate how pathetic some guys are. He is also a cunt.

It takes a special kind of shit to have an affair but then when caught, to blame his wife. What a colossal cunt.

Who on earth are the 3% of posters who think YABU, and why?

Sadly I do know of several ‘other women’ who believe that their paramours are ‘not being loved in the way they should be’ which is why they are having the affair with these idiots, so maybe those!?

@Sadlemon he’s a horrible human being and an unsafe partner for ANYONE. Get yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ it’s really easy to read and sums up this kind of entitled, selfish, narcissistic thinking.

He's an utter idiot, definitely one to throw back in the sewage water.

It means that in addition to being a concienceless liar, cheat and gaslighter, this specimen has delayed development. He has somehow become stuck in the manner of an angsty teen boy, all self absorption and clichéd rhetoric. No doubt he is 'complex' and needs a 'soul mate' to meet his needs with a love that 'transcends the boundaries we place on each other' or similar. Have absolutely no truck with it. Don't even give him the air time.

One small example of my exDH’s self justification for his multiple affairs was that I wasn’t ‘supportive’ enough when his mum died. I actually loved that woman. Ran around doing everything for weeks while she was in hospital. Left him to grieve with no other responsibility.

He was once banging about and scowling all day (mid affair) and I asked him if he was OK and he said in a seething tone that I’d obviously forgotten it was the anniversary of his mum’s death. I hadn’t but every time I mentioned her to keep her memory alive he would just glare at me.

So when he raised that particular’reason’ for cheating I reminded him that my mum died too! A year after his. I asked him the date and he had no idea. He had literally forgotten she had died. He did nothing for me at the time. Even moaned about having the children when I went to make funeral arrangements.

It’s just self justification and self pity. He can’t admit he’s a shit stain of a husband.

"that sentence really stuck with me. made me feel there is something wrong with me."

That's exactly the effect he intended his comment to have on you.

He's entirely to blame for his actions, if you didn't love him the "right way" or whatever, then, as a grown fucking man, it was up to him to discuss any elements of your relationship he was unhappy with.

But he cheated and shagged around because he could, and knows he is in the wrong, but is trying to push his guilt back on to you, make it seem like you are to blame here.

You did nothing wrong, please stop giving him and his childish comments any headspace. Just minimise any contact with him to the kids and focus on your life and how you would like it to pan out.

He's a liar and a cheat which means you can't believe a word he says. Don't give his lies any power over you. He's a tosser.

My serial cheat of an ex husband told me "we'd still be together if you'd stopped digging for evidence of my affairs" I.e it was my fault I caught him.

That was ten years ago, I was his second wife and he's now divorced already for the third time.

This is definitely a him thing, not a you thing

Don’t even give his ridiculous comment head space. They make it up as they go along, and invent reasons to play the victim which are poles apart from reality. Some of the pearls my cheating ex came out with:

• “You sit on your arse all day and never clean the house”. We lived in an 8 bedroom house that was spotless at all times. He wouldn’t let us get a cleaner, and I did ALL the housework. I do miss that magic, self-cleaning house.
• “You never appreciated me”. This was my favourite. I absolutely bloody adored him. It knocks me sick to remember how much I worshipped him (and how wrong I was to do so). I practically had a crick in my neck from gazing at him up on the pedestal I’d put him on. It was ludicrous to suggest that I didn’t appreciate him. I’m sure cult members aren’t as bloody transfixed as I was!
• ”I had sex with other women because I felt unwanted because you didn’t make a lot of noise during sex”. Unwanted? We had sex every day! And no, I didn’t scream like a porn star because we had children in the next bedroom.

They INVENT these stupid reasons to make themselves feel better. It’s him, not you. Please don’t take it to heart. Find your anger and dump it firmly at his feet where it belongs. I promise that you’ll look back in years to come and laugh about this silly statement.

It means he's been sitting there navel-gazing about what a deep and special person he is and using the resulting brain-farts to justify his behaviour. Prick.

Oh my. Hahahaha 😆

"Paranoid" is a classic banger, but every time I hear it I am compelled to shout "Well that's not a partner's job is it Ozzy, you need a therapist for that you stingy bugger" at the radio.

Absolutely right.
I hate these types. Cunts the lot of them.
I'm convinced that half the pain of cheating comes from the cunts trying to blame their partner.

Did Ozzy write it, though? I'd text my ex and ask but he's probably still in bed. Lol.

Still a manchild after all these years. Lol.
My ex that is, not Ozzy. 🙂

Though I guess that if Ozzy tried to blame his cheating on Sharon he'd get short shift!

F

It's meaningless crap from a nonentity.
Don't let the fucker live rent free in your head.

It might mean that he is not clever enough to work out what he wants and so keeps looking around.
But he is a twat and you should avoid him.

Even if it were true, it doesn't explain the cheating. If he wasn't happy he should have ended the relationship.

Cheating is never justified. If it was, people wouldn't need to lie about it and do it secretly would they. If it was a reasonable behaviour then they would tell you about it and do it in the open. No, they are ashamed of themselves and that's why they sneak and lie.

It means leaving him was completely the correct decision. It just self indulgent rubbish to justify rubbish behaviour.