To want to crawl into a dark room and hide?

[adviceneeded1990]

Been TTC for 2 years this month. Referred for IVF after a year (low sperm count, low AMH, low progesterone). Finally had round one in June and didn’t even get to transfer, only got two eggs retrieved and neither got past day 3. Waiting to start round two, I’m lucky enough to be in Scotland where we get three rounds on the NHS.

I’m 34. I have 7 close friends across two groups, if that makes sense. In the time that I’ve been TTC, there have been 5 pregnancies and 4 births within these friendships (5th pregnancy is due end of this year). It’s been a constant round of baby showers, christenings, naming days, first birthday celebrations, etc. I’m drained and devastated and just want to crawl into a hole until I have children of my own. Most of my friends have been brilliant and sensitive and understanding, it’s not them, it’s me. I just don’t know how people do this. I feel left out and I get irrationally angry when people moan about pregnancy and parenting even though I know that’s unfair and irrational because why shouldn’t they, it’s hard!

DH is amazing but he has a child, my DSD, so I just don’t feel the all consuming fear of a childless life is the same for him. (I adore DSD, have helped raise her since she was 2 and couldn’t love her more if she was mine, so there aren’t any issues there.)

Can anyone relate? Offer advice? I honestly don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. It feels endless.

100% relate as I’ve been there. It’s shit and exhausting. However, remember round one is a tester, often unsuccessful, and you still have more cracks of that whip. FWIW I now have 2 boys through IVF. It can and does work 😊 You’ll get better advice and support about dealing with your feelings on dedicated forums (eg Fertility Network) as the ‘can’t you just adopt’ brigade will be along very shortly on here. Sending you hugs and strength. Xx

I don’t have any advice that I feel I’m entitled to share as I haven’t experienced what you have but until someone who truly can understand what you are going through comes along I want to say

1, I’m so sorry you are having to go through this and

2, I’m sending as much strength to you as I can.

I can feel the strength of the sadness and anger you feel from your post @adviceneeded1990 i wish you the very best and I hope it works out but even if it doesn’t I hope you can find a way back to happiness.

Hi,

Sorry to hear about your stresses - it is incredibly frustrating and difficult.

Ive also been TTC for 2 years, and am 37. Still on the waiting list for get a HyCoSy, and probably won't hear anything from them until Christmas, so at least you are further along the line in getting help!

What I can say is that although all of my school friends are baby/parenting mad, I have some friends who aren't trying/won't have children, and they are really useful friends in these times. They still go out in the evening, and still have hobbies/things they do that aren't centred round families. They are really good at finding things to give purpose to life that isn't just the success or failure of family life!

Really hope the second round goes better for you xxx