I need help - what can I do

[Socksyellow]

I’m pretty low and need help.

45 married with 2 amazing children. Good job decent money.
that’s about where my luck ends, as I’m pretty much universally disliked.

don’t know why I’m desperate to change whatever I’m doing to put people off me. but this pattern has happened over and over and over again.
was ok in school. But in my adult life - although I’m quite quick to make friends I’m dropped like a stone at some point without warning.
its groups as well- school mums frozen out of 2 friendship groups, dropped from prenatal group invites, 3 workplaces where I’ve either been low key bullied or just ‘left out’ only one not invited to wedding, party, christening you name it.

only ones on street to not be invited to street party tonight- kids asking why all their mates are there but not them.

recently I had an operation no one gave a flying fuck people I’ve gone out of my way numerous times but not even a how are you msg bar 3 people!
3 people at 45 how utterly pathetic.
my heart is broken I don’t know how I can carry on being the outcast?

what can I do to be liked- I try with people, no too much but friendly chatty, kind approachable but it’s me there’s something engrained in me that’s off putting?

could a life coach help? I need help to stop doing whatever I’m doing to put people off.

so aibu that I need some help and guidance to change for the better and not have this keep happening?

I'm really sorry to read that this is happening to be you. The fact that it keeps happening does suggest that there may be something that you are doing which is off-putting. I would certainly seek a (qualified and highly reputable) life coach/counsellor to help you figure out what it could be. You're still young so absolutely worth a shot. But please remember you're still valuable and important despite what anyone else thinks x

I don't usually tell people to see a councillor but I think you would have to sit with someone face to face to be able to tell you. Are you anxious ?

I’ll do whatever it takes. To sort this definitely.

I think you need to explore the way you relate to other people and some core beliefs you have about yourself.
I am very much similar and at 43 i have a few friends, not a huge social circle. It varied theough the years and i had more ppl in my life but some drifted away because i stood up for myself with one (she was a user), was too straight with another one about her abusive relationship she is in, others drifted away as they found partners, got busy. One in a different country so there is that distance. Life is ok though sometimes i think i would like to have more ppl around. I know though that i don’t make enough effort to keep in touch, that’s my downfall. After i divorced i am also much more wary of going out etc as i need to watch money. And overall i am an introvert and ok with my own company. I don’t warm up to ppl very easily although i am perfectly friendly and approachable.

If your situation is bothering you, imagine having yourself as a friend and try to see what it might be that is missing. It might be simple things. Do you actively keep in touch? It might be that.

Would a councillor be best or maybe a life coach?

First, having just 3 good friends is not at all unusual. Movies make it look like people have big gangs of friends but that really isn't true for most people.

It is an old book but "how to make friends and influence people" is still reasonably relevant and there are lots of others in that vein. Have you read any of them?

And I think counselling would be useful to explore what you want from friends and how you can be a better friend. A life coach would help you get a job but a counsellor should help you go deeper.

You are married. Someone loves you so much that they want to spend the rest of their life with you! That is pretty awesome.

I have many friends, but no spouse/OH/life partner.
I love my friends, but I would love to be in a romantic relationship.

How did you meet your spouse? You must have met that person at one point, and that person likes you a lot!

My best advice for making new friends as an adult:

Join a club/society/association/group of your interest/hobby. Since you all have the same interest, you will always have things to talk about. Get involved. Get really involved. Be patient. You will make friends. But it might take years to really become friends. So you have to be patient.

I am in a similar boat, but if I am being honest, I don't make much effort. I'm quite happy now being a loner, but understand it's hard if you are gregarious by nature.

Quite a lot of people are flakey and into friendships for themselves and won't show up when you need them. I think it is human nature. I think you sit on either side of the fence. It sounds to me like you are giving too much maybe and attracting the wrong sorts of people.

I do like meeting people but find friendships hard going and mentally taxing, so maybe there are other people who are similar.

Why not focus on the three people who did seem to reach out to you. If people are not interested in you just don't be interested in them.
Life is too short to need to be popular. Quality friendships are what counts, not quantity.
I do hope you can work on your self esteem. Maybe join some groups relating to hobbies you'd like to try? Be open to new friendships and others who feel the same way will gravitate towards you. Just know that you are a good person and you have just as much to offer as anyone else. But decent people will like you for you, despite your foibles.