Inlaw reinvasion

[Sousuke]

I’m trying to figure out if I should back down and ease up or retreat.

My spouse and I have been married about 16 years and have lived both in the UK and US over multiple periods. Generally I’ve gotten along with the inlaws though we occasionally had minor differences. My spouse wanted to move back to the UK and put our daughter in the local school where the family lived at reception. I had a career in the US and about 10 years with my company and was not keen on moving back but once the pandemic hit, we discussed our daughter’s schooling and my spouses health where the US private insurer wasn’t covering a major drug.

I finally agreed, putting them first and took a job with the ‘inlaws’. You can probably see where this going. I pretty much hated the job within about 3 months but stuck with it. I was thrown under the bus a few times and when I said anything, they never talked out it. All I got out of them was ‘I’m overreacting and too sensitive’.

At about the year mark, two things came to a head. First my spouse was getting ignored by the department head within our local NHS where she gets treatment iwhich meant the beginning of a health decline. We couldn’t get private insurance and it was going to be a problem moving forward. At the same time my daughter needed additional resources at the village school but unfortunately there wasn’t much to go around as she had a classmate that required a lot of additional time due to autism.

At 18 months we talked about going back to the US. I re-established contact with my employer and we prepared to move back. This time, I made sure to arrange better insurance through my company for my spouse and once back also have been getting out daughter more help as well.

When I gave notice, I was positive and praised my father in law but highlighted the personal reasons why we were leaving. They cut off contact with me immediately and put me on 60 days paid leave (I gave 2 months notice because I thought it was the nice thing to do) and when my spouse didn’t bow to their requests it got messy fast.

My father in law called my spouse over to his house and then started saying that I was a big mistake and my spouse should stay and leave me to ‘bugger off to America’ and then highlighted my faults. Some were trivial (like my car was messy in the past - keep in mind I was doing 500 miles a week with site visits in the US…so yeah my car was my office). Some less so. I’ll fully admit I wasn’t always the greatest employee to my inlaws. I was sometimes 15 minutes late to the office if a roundabout near our home backed up. We also had a work thing with another company and while I did nothing wrong at the event, I was sick as we got home because the champagne caught up with me. He complained I never offered to pay for the rental car fee, but then I had checked with the staff member who rented it the day after and they said there was no cleaning fee. I had made sure to mostly make a mess of my wool coat…. So he was likely lying here.

My spouse defended me, noting every boss had said good things about me (I was and am close to being a Partner in my company) and communication was then fully cut off to us all. In fact they left the country for a few weeks on an impromptu holiday. After moving to the US, my spouse reconnected for our daughters sake and generally things were fine. During their fight, the inlaws mentioned their health wouldn’t allow them to fly to the US anymore so I was encouraged an entire ocean stood between us. I just stay out of calls etc.

Two years have passed and recently they announced they booked flights and are on their way. I do not want to see them. Its hard on my spouse, but I just don’t want them in my house. In retrospect, I realise it was all a ploy to get the grandaughter closer, but because my father in law attempted to break the family up at the end of it, I just can't face him ever again. I’m considering going on little trip to avoid them all together. I could stand up for myself which will make things terrible for all, which I don’t really want. Spouse wants me to be the bigger person. I fear I'm not that good.

It's a difficult one, I can totally understand your resentment and them staying in your home after after what happend does seem like a big leap. Is there not a middle ground?

Could you DH broker some sort of apology from them. Tell them how hurtful their behaviour was. Maybe have a frank BUT CIVIL online conversation to clear the air.

Some things could be put down to being upset that you were moving back. I moved from the UK to Scandinavia and my mother refused to visit (only a two and half hour flight and I offered to accompany her) She also refused to see us before we left and said some spiteful things. Looking back, she was hurt and upset and didn't want us to leave but she had a funny way of showing it.

Perhaps the in-laws felt you were ungrateful - given that they had sorted you out with a job etc. But I agree, trying to split the family was horrible. You moved and your family is intact but they are still DH's parents. They have backed down and are flying over in order to keep contact and to see their granddaughter. It's up to you if you want to leave and not see them but maybe try to have a conversation, show DH your support and the in-laws that it was for the best. The distance and their age means it won't be every month.

Does your wife actually want to see them?

If so, I think going on a trip while they visit is a good compromise.

I can see why your wife might want you to overlook the past if she still wants a relationship with them. She’s moved away from them, that may seems like a huge thing to have done to her. But I don’t think it’s a six of one, half a dozen of the other sort of situation which requires you both to “give-in” equally. Your in-laws are abusive towards you, you shouldn’t have to be around that and your wife should be supporting you to ensure you don’t have to be around it.

Take yourself out of the picture while in-laws visit.

Let your spouse and child rebuild a relationship with the in-laws.

No need for anyone to be the 'bigger person' if the situation is difficult and unpleasant.

In future, spouse and child can visit in-laws without you.

Problem solved.

I'd just stay around and be civil.

The fact they've booked flights indicates an element of humble pie/olive branch scenario, so to take yourself away would be quite a snub and rude.

Surely they can't be staying for that long? Your DH could take them out for some day trips with your DD and you could work?

How long are they coming for?

My father in law called my spouse over to his house and then started saying that I was a big mistake and my spouse should stay and leave me to ‘bugger off to America’ and then highlighted my faults. Some were trivial (like my car was messy in the past - keep in mind I was doing 500 miles a week with site visits in the US…so yeah my car was my office). Some less so. I’ll fully admit I wasn’t always the greatest employee to my inlaws.

Tbf although things have been tense particularly with the employer/employee relationship, your list of complaints doesn't sound too bad - telling you off for being sick etc they sound like they get annoyed at things beyond your control but it doesn't sound egregious. They sound like humans who have their own issues. Obviously I'm only going on what you've posted. When you say he attempted to 'break up the family' do you just mean his single comment about you buggering off? You seem to have posted a few examples but it's hard to see the bigger picture from that.

What are your wife's feelings on this?
In your shoes I'd be attempting to build a relationship and letting go of the past annoyances about being told of for being late. Clean slate.

I understand why you feel as you do, they behaved dreadfully especially your FIL

However, no harm has been done except to your relationship with your in laws.

And there is an ocean between you so these visits are not going to be very often

I would treat this as an olive branch as PP said, they clearly want to try and maintain a relationship with your spouse & child.

I know you don't want them in the house, but I think if you could bear it and be a civil host it would be appreciated all around.

If they are ungrateful and snarky then obviously reconsider but hopefully they won't be and will try and reset things and be nice. You could lay a boundary and say to your spouse that you expect them to be polite and civil to you and if they are not they will have to go to a hotel. That would be a reasonable thing to ask and agree before they come.

And of course you could have some unavoidable work commitments now and then so you can escape them for a bit.

They sound very toxic and controlling.

Either - go away somewhere, if you're comfortable with them staying in your home with your spouse and child.

Or - your spouse explains its not convenient, so they'll have to stay in a hotel. You could even offer to pay for the hotel.

Ps....I did both, as I didn't want in-laws taking over my home and I also didn't want to see them.

Kind of. It's about exposure time. Likes seeing them for a few hours now and then but not daily and they start to get into arguments after that.

So part of what she wants you there for is to take some of the brunt of it so it’s easier for her?

It sounds like they expected certain (unreasonable) things of you as family because they gave you the job and so used you accordingly as a scapegoat.

The 15 minute may have grated on me if there was an agreed start time/left someone carrying out additional work because of your poor time keeping - however if it was a more we start about 9-9:30 vibe then they haven’t a leg to stand on.

Were any issues raised at the time or was this all the moment you handed in your resignation?

Regarding the visit, it sounds like they didn’t consult you on the date? Can you have big work commitments that week so limit your interactions rather than just going off on a holiday - which they will just use in their heads as more proof you’re in the wrong?

Fuck that. I'd pack my things and go away for the duration of their visit. Your spouse can deal with his/her own parents if she wants to.

Regarding the olive branch and trying to mend things I don't really think that is what they are trying to do. When I mentioned they said they wouldn't come out here anymore because of my FIL's health it was attempt to change minds on leaving the UK (they have flown long distance since). They can travel just fine and had been meaning to go back to Hawaii and San Diego in the near future. When everything kicked off they parked that idea having already said they wouldn't travel here. This trip they are planning is to go to one of those two places and we are a stop over. My spouse spoke with them and suggested San Diego so contact would be more limited (originally they wanted to stay a week before going on to Hawaii, or the family can tag along to SD). I thought this was a good idea and mentioned I could take them to the train station for a trip to LA and inlaws could fly into LAX and then drive to SD. Instead inlaws already booked flights without bother to check back and are coming in up north by us, staying for a few days and then renting car.

Also, we have spoken about spouse reaching out to discuss things that happened to properly settle it. She thinks they will just stop talking again and go silent and then reappear pretending no conversation occurred. (This is a reoccurring issue in the past)

31 year old me would probably have tried to smooth things over and tolerated their visit for my spouse.

Current, 51 year old me would say, nope, fuck that.

They ran a very strict arrival time of 9am. When I started lockdown was in place, I was always working by 9. They required everyone back in the office when the official reopen was announced in the summer and then continued until Christmas when they went back to WFH. During those 6 months, I was probably later than 9:05 about 6 or 7 times and never later than 9:20. We lived about 20 minutes from the office, but if there was an accident or an event in town that could grow to 40 minutes. I never missed any work that impacted others. I think actually it was an employee who probably had been raked over the coals in the past that were unhappy and reported me, because the inlaws never came into the office until about noon or 1pm.

I'll ask. I hadn't really thought of that. She is worried i'm adding a layer of awkwardness to an already awkward situation.

I think another poster had a good idea, I might be able to use work (either purposely book an overlapping business trip, or work longer hours and just get home very late)