To expect my 3 adult sons to shape up or ship out?

[bolshygirl]

To be clear, they are 20, 19, and just turned 18...they all have additional needs and I want to protect them but also to prepare them for the real world...oldest paying £350 pcm digs, middle £75pw when he cam and often can't, youngest no income, am encouraging college or work but the real issue is the lack of any practical contribution, even down to their bedrooms

AIBU to say they're getting a good deal (food included) and I should at least ask for what would be expected in a house share? Meaning household responsibility

You need clear expectations. Tidy up isn’t heard!

Try ‘cups and plates down daily’
’washing in the basket’
’bins emptied’
‘beds made’

Tends to work better

Ty, not sure I'm doing this right, but been there, done that a thousand times

Absolutely they should shape up - quite a challenge to introduce at their ages however if they havent done anything up till this point I'd guess. What does their dad do around the house? What kind of role model is he? (Asking as you say adult SONS...).

What additional needs do they have OP because the answer to that will influence my reply

I agree. If they’re autistic for example, what kind of ‘real world’ is expected of them? Do they need additional support as in a support worker?

These are not new concepts, I've tried for years (15 or so), and I've had support and done everything suggested....my issue is, is it time to just cut the apron strings

Atm I just feel they think they're on easy street

With additional needs I'd be careful about cutting the apron strings. Not that they shouldn't learn to shape up, but they may be young for their age and more vulnerable in the world. Mine gets a set list of tasks each day.

Depends on how it affects you I suppose. I've done to death telling my youngest (who I believe is the Spectrum) to do this or that and would rather spend 5 mins washing up a few plates than losing my shit over it. He'll get a shock when he moves out but he's not 18 until November do it will be a good few years yet.

2/3 chronological age so possibly, just turned 12 to nearly 14 years old emotionally...(If autistic)

Supported living might be an option?

If they have additional needs do they receive any funding that could cover a cleaner or support work that would come do their share of the work? The £400+ that you get in keep could include a cleaner for a couple of sessions.

Will they live independently or require supported living, could this be arranged privately so you help the three of them get a house share if you don't want them at home any longer

What additional needs? You need to be more specific. Do they have mild autism, wheelchair bound, etc etc.

if it’s that severe you should have adult social services involved helping you all set up a plan to help them be more Independent.

if it’s not, it sounds like you’re being too soft. They should all be in employment or education. Get your youngest an appointment at the local college to see what he wants to start in Sept.

Put clear lists for each of them up everyday with tasks they are expected to tick off.

bring plates and cups down from bedroom
wash up
empty bin
hoover downstairs

make it clear that they’re adults and they need to be contributing financially and with physical effort to the household. You’re doing them no favours babying them as they’ll just expect this from a partner.

What additional needs?

Personally I would be prioritising the skills for independent living in the hope that they are able to move out.

It took till age 26 for one of mine (ASD), sorry. I'd always had 30 in mind as an absolute deadline for not still 'living with mum', so I was pleased with that. He now copes pretty well (and fumes about his immature untidy flatmate, which kind of amuses me).

What are their additional needs?

It may be that it simply isn't as easy as tell them, make them, they should, etc

My sons are in their 20s. Eldest has autism and erbs palsy, youngest has autism and ADHD.

My eldest does much more around the house because he is capable of doing it. He does his share of cooking, cleaning, feeding our cat, laundry etc and it's his job to take the bins out.

My youngest currently has no jobs that are his responsibility because he is not capable. We avoid all what he would view as demands. He knows all the things that need doing in a house because he's grown up in one and he's got eyes. He chooses to do his laundry but if he doesn't, we say nothing. He makes his own meals because he wants to.

What I'm saying is that if an/sn is a factor then you have to do things differently. Look at what the individual is genuinely capable of and work within that and tweak it as required because there have been times when our youngest was much more stable and during those periods he did his share of cooking, cleaning etc because at those points he was capable of doing it. I expect he will have periods where he is calm and stable in the future and our expectations will again change to reflect that.

You have to tailor your expectations to the abilities of each of your children individually.

Sometimes moving out is the best thing. But it doesn't have to be permanent - you could do it on a trial basis, to see how they get on. Work with them to find a house share on a 6 month tenancy, and let them learn through living, rather than being told.

You sound very frustrated, OP. If you've tried everything else, and it isn't working, then you'll have to try something new, whatever that looks like. But do try to work with them rather than take a combative approach.