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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed my MIL has suddenly changed?

18 replies

Yepamilone · 09/08/2024 19:22

I’ve always had a good relationship with my MIL, not close but good. My husbands’ parents and my parents live a good distance away from each other so they rarely see each other however, we had a gathering at my parents’ house a few months ago and since that my MIL has been awful to me.

my parents are wealthy and I always kept this to myself as my MIL doesn’t have much money. I raise this as this seems to be what the issue has stemmed from. When it came to the wedding a few weeks back, she said she wasn’t staying at the hotel because she couldn’t afford it so my husband and I paid for her to stay and we are yet to get a thank you. On the day of the wedding itself she didn’t give us a card or a present (I wasn’t expecting much but you can get 29p cards like) and on the day of the wedding she shunned me and she rocked up like she had just rolled out of bed. Hair wasn’t even brushed, no make up on etc. (she dressed lovely with hair and make up and eyelashes done for other 2 of my husband’s siblings weddings)

at the reception she was overheard saying ‘sure her mum and dad gave enough to them for f*ing everyone’

i have only seen her once since the wedding and I was talking about our baby starting to walk because she was following a toy we bought her from honeymoon and she said ‘oh look at you name dropping insert honeymoon location’. I genuinely wasn’t, she knew we were going there.

the last thing is, she didn’t even get my baby a card for her first birthday last week. I was upset at this because she’s just a baby and she’s taking out this new hatred it seems on the baby. I know she doesn’t have much but she smokes and drinks regularly and always, always buys presents and cards for the grandkids even if it’s a tenner it’s usually the one they all love because it’s from her.

aibu to be upset about this woman?

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 09/08/2024 19:27

I would completely avoid her, she can do nothing for you in any way so is pointless. Dh can see her if he wants.

PotatoPie111 · 09/08/2024 19:30

She sounds like the jealousy is eating her up. Not quite the same but my SILs parents are well off and they were privately educated professionals. My MIL (WC, not well off) had an issue about it and would find any reason to be critical about them, for instance if they sent a present they would take the piss out of it, she would never send them one. Anything to make out she was better than them.
She never did it in front of my SIL though, I don’t think she would dare. It’s very rude.

Some people just can’t cope with other people having money I think. For context she also had issues with me as id been to university and DH
didn't marry someone ‘like her’.

Moveoverdarlin · 09/08/2024 19:33

She jealous and bitter and self conscious. Rather than giving what she can afford she’s thinking ‘my card and present will be shit, so I’m not going to bother.’ If you got on well before it seems a shame. I spose you have two options 1. Ignore it and hope she comes round. Or 2 Bite the bullet and say ‘Have I done something to upset you Sue, ever since that do at my parents you seem annoyed with me?’

My MIL has a bit of a chip on her shoulder about the same sort of thing. She didn’t want to compete or be friends with my parents or me, she just withdrew, always been civil and polite but not close. My children aren’t overly fussed so it’s her loss.

Onehotday · 09/08/2024 20:04

I've been on the recieving end of similar before, not a MIL but a close friend. Constant snarky comments that always revolve around money. I lost my shit one day and gave them a piece of my mind, it ended the relationship but I didn't care.

HauntedbyMagpies · 09/08/2024 20:10

I would confront her in a way that she will feel compelled to respond!

"I'm so sorry you feel so jealous of my parents' wealth that you've agreed to step back and not be a part of 'DD's name's life and allow my parents to be sole grandparents. Obviously they can provide what you cannot so I agree with you, it's for the best. Ta-ta!"

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 09/08/2024 20:41

I actually went through something similar with my own DM! I came from a simple working class background, whereas my first DH was from what you'd perhaps class as a 'white collar' background. Due to this, my DH had a strong desire and ambition to provide for us, in the same way his DF provided for him and his family. My DH worked hard, and with time and effort, gained promotion in his job, which ultimately allowed us to buy our first detached home, after having lived in an old terraced place that we'd bought as wreck, and worked hard to do up.

At that point my DM who was my absolute world, (other than my DH and child) started getting nit picky and bitchy with me every time I saw her, which was incredibly unusual as we always got along like a house on fire. After a few months of this, I decided I couldn't bear her being like this with me any longer, so I tackled her about it. She started off by saying that I had become 'unapproachable' since moving to the new house. This was total bollocks, and it turned out, that it was actually my DS and BIL, who had been dripping poisonous remarks in Mum's ears, about how snooty we'd become, and that we were always buying bigger and better things, so were clearly getting above ourselves. I should say at this point, that my sister has ALWAYS suffered from the green eyed monster, and her DH seems to have the same traits. I asked Mum, in what way was I different from when I'd lived in the terraced house, and in the end, she was forced to admit that it wasn't actually me that had changed, but that she was frightened I might grow away from her, because I could now buy things that she and my DF, could never have afforded. I told her that NOTHING, would ever make me grow away from her, that I loved her dearly and wanted my parents in my life, wherever I was. We had a huge hug, and from then on, went back to our usual loving relationship. It was years later that she told me about my DS & BIL.

The reason I've told you this OP, is that perhaps your MIL thought you were lovely until she discovered your background, and then found herself feeling unable to compete with the wealth that you had whilst growing up. Perhaps she felt intimidated by it, and so decided to try and show that she didn't give a toss, by not bothering to dress up for your wedding etc.

In your shoes, I think I'd perhaps be inclined to have a quiet chat with her, tell her that you thought the two of you got on really well, until the time she came to your family home, and since then, you feel that she's gone off of you, and you don't understand why, but you miss the person she was, and so if it's because your parents are wealthier than she is, you'd just like to reassure her that you love her for herself, and not for what she can, or cannot, give you and your family. I'm hoping that if you're able to do this, it might just make her realise not only that you've noticed that she's unhappy about something, but also that you value her.

TemuSpecialBuy · 09/08/2024 20:44

as someone with a mil who is also jealous of them (which is what is going on here) and who is 6 years down the road…
I can assure you, you are wasting your time being upset / annoyed.
Get to a place of indifference as soon as you can.

Question: what does your husband think about the fact his mum dressed like she was popping into Asda for milk at his wedding and she couldn’t be fucked to buy him a card???

Flibflobflibflob · 09/08/2024 20:53

I think she’s self conscious, she’s basically trying to act like she doesn’t care because she thinks anything she does will be looked down upon. That’s obviously not about you it’s about her but I feel like it’s pretty sad for her to feel that way and for you to get the brunt of it. She probably didn’t get you/your child anything because on some level she felt she would be embarrassing herself (completely unjustified of course).

Perhaps your DH can have a char with her about it. I think this is repairable, don’t write her off just yet.

Yepamilone · 09/08/2024 23:17

TemuSpecialBuy · 09/08/2024 20:44

as someone with a mil who is also jealous of them (which is what is going on here) and who is 6 years down the road…
I can assure you, you are wasting your time being upset / annoyed.
Get to a place of indifference as soon as you can.

Question: what does your husband think about the fact his mum dressed like she was popping into Asda for milk at his wedding and she couldn’t be fucked to buy him a card???

he’s more upset about our baby not getting a card to be honest but he was so embarrassed on the wedding day. Not that money can buy elegance but my mum was the picture of sheets elegance and just really appropriately stunning.

you don’t have to spend lots to look nice but it’s the fact she didn’t even make an effort. My grannies were more appropriately dressed and my maternal granny would be in the same financial situation as MIL

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 09/08/2024 23:27

The world does not revolve around MIL. She seems to think that because she has less money, everyone else has to be the same. No wedding present? Turning up looking a mess, wow, pathetic

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/08/2024 01:08

This sounds really upsetting for you. But her behaviour sounds extreme given your previously good relationship. ts not like there aren't other people in the world who are better off than her and that she doesn't know that. It makes me wonder if she's having some kind of breakdown? (not an expert, just saying maybe there's more to it)

"the day of the wedding she shunned me and she rocked up like she had just rolled out of bed. Hair wasn’t even brushed, no make up on etc. (she dressed lovely ... for other 2 of my husband’s siblings weddings)"

Jealousy is one thing, but this, combined with the other behaviour to baby GC and sudden change in how she relates to you, sounds like very strong behaviour, even for someone with a chip on their shoulder.

Because if she was feeling like the poor relation, and feeling looked down on, is kind of like dented pride, but then deliberately demonstrating a careless appearance to make herself look even worse (especially as she still had the other nice outfits for the other weddings presumably) seems like an unusual reaction. What statement was she trying to make? Plus shunning the bride? That is actually attention seeking since people would have noticed that from the mother of the groom... again...it's an odd public statement.

The whole business of no card or small present for your baby DC seems a bit petty and also extreme behaviour from someone who previously got on well with you. How does she behave towards your DH? What does he think about this, does she have previous, or is this a new thing? What do your new SILs think?

If its a new thing, maybe she needs to see someone about it.

Yepamilone · 10/08/2024 10:06

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff thanks for your reply. She’s always had a chip on her shoulder when it comes to money apparently according to my husband. She’s one of those people who is bitter because she feels like the world has left her behind, hence why I hid my parents wealth for so long. To be brutally honest I thought we were at a stage where she wouldn’t care because we’ve known each other for so long.

SILs, and oh god this sounds so bitchy but I really don’t mean it to be, have same sort of attitude. They all work in low level public sector roles so they all bounce off each over over similar stresses and work etc. I work in a high paying finance role and am a little younger than them so they’d be a little more in the way of thinking of MIL rather than me, which is fine like I’ve accepted that. But no I don’t think it’s a breakdown or out of the ordinary I just think she’s unfortunately taken a dislike to me and my wee family now since that party in my parents house

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/08/2024 15:02

Sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like she's not a positive influence on your life, it was a really pointed and unkind way to behave like that at your wedding, that's not the same as having a bit of a huff at a barbeque, maybe take a bit of a step back to let things cool down.
If she's decided not to send her little granddaughter cards or pay her attention - its a stupid reaction. Lower your expectations of her and you will be less disappointed. You are not lessening her life in anyway by having worked hard and having a reasonable income - if she continues like this that really is her loss.

luckylavender · 10/08/2024 15:16

HauntedbyMagpies · 09/08/2024 20:10

I would confront her in a way that she will feel compelled to respond!

"I'm so sorry you feel so jealous of my parents' wealth that you've agreed to step back and not be a part of 'DD's name's life and allow my parents to be sole grandparents. Obviously they can provide what you cannot so I agree with you, it's for the best. Ta-ta!"

That's a horrible message. Don't send that.

Tuesdayschild50 · 05/10/2025 16:43

She is letting jealousy rule her emotions .
To not make an effort for your wedding or send a card for her grandchild's 1st birthday isn't nice at all.
Seems she is allowing things to eat her up.
Keep your distance and unless she improves her attitude I'd give her a wide berth .

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/10/2025 17:02

Plenty of wealthy people look down on less well off people. You only have to read the threads on here about social housing to see that. What she is doing could be (to her) a kind of self protection mechanism, pretending not to care what others think in a similar way to larger people making jokes at their own expense because it is less hurtful than someone else's judgement.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/10/2025 17:30

I also went back to uni as a mature student to do further studies and quite a few of the mature students had partners who thought that the student would find someone more interesting and go off with them, so started sabotaging the relationship in the hope it didn't hurt as much when the break up they imagined would happen did happen

Butchyrestingface · 05/10/2025 17:34

HauntedbyMagpies · 09/08/2024 20:10

I would confront her in a way that she will feel compelled to respond!

"I'm so sorry you feel so jealous of my parents' wealth that you've agreed to step back and not be a part of 'DD's name's life and allow my parents to be sole grandparents. Obviously they can provide what you cannot so I agree with you, it's for the best. Ta-ta!"

Er, no. Don't do that.

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