My therapist says I’m damaged

[FFSgetagripoldlady]

I’m posting here for traffic. Not going to name change.

I’ve started to see a counsellor again. Had a few sessions last summer around me managing my boundaries with my sister. Counselled stated that my sis is a narc. I’m onboard with that. Had a few sessions for dealing with my sister’s visit (they live overseas) and that was ok.

Fast forward to now. I’ve had three sessions. One a week. She said to me today that I’m very damaged. I’ve been feeling like I’m making progress. I’ve been working and thinking on all of the things that have come up. I felt validated by her comments at the time. I felt like it was good to hear that I’m not crazy or something. I now feel like I’ve been punched.

My issue is around rejection and not being good enough. It started with my dad rejecting me many times for lots of reasons from when I was a child. It’s crossed into my relationships too, where I’ve tolerated terrible behaviour and treatment, just because I do. I’m not good enough to expect to be treated well or fairly. I’ve tolerated and forgiven so much cheating, lying, abuse - financial, emotional not physical - and controlling behaviours. My most recent relationship ended with him dumping me to focus on his mental health, when my life was in chaos and one of my kids being considered a serious risk of harm to themselves.

I do feel damaged. I also feel like I don’t deserve to carry these wounds. How do I fix this? I just want to cry and hide away. I can’t because I have the kids and I have to work. I can’t take any time off either because I’ve just started and I haven’t built up holidays. My brother has helped with childcare and the kids have been to their dad. They are now back with me until the schools go back.

How do I do this? I’m alone. I’m completely alone and I just feel sick with the worry of how the counselling will be. I can’t get lower in my mood. I’m medicated for depression, and have been for a long time. What can I do? The kids have noticed that I’m low but I can’t talk to them. I was parentified as a child and I’m not doing that to them.

The “therapist” sounds like a complete fraud. Firstly, they can never diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder (or anything else, for that matter) or even suggest that without a face to face assessment. Secondly a qualified professional would never use the word “damaged”. It’s grossly inappropriate in a clinical setting. Find a qualified therapist.

Sounds like you're in a tough position right now. Therapy isn't always a linear progression and I gather it's often quite difficult and upsetting along the way.
Keep taking it one day at a time - your low mood will pass. If it doesn't - maybe check in with your GP?.

Is the therapist qualified? What are their credentials? Calling you damaged doesn't sound very professional.

It doesn't necessarily work for everyone, but I've found solution focused hypnotherapy brilliant for certain problems I have. It doesn't necessarily ignore the past, but it focuses on the positive things about you - and believe me, there will be positives about you even though you might not think so. Check the qualifications of any therapist. Mine is well qualified, incredibly understanding, totally non-judgmental and kind. He's helped me more than I ever expected. Might be worth considering. Good luck.

This!!!

Are you paying for this 'counsellor'? How did you find them? They sound appalling and completely unprofessional.

An actual professional will be able to support you and guide you through this. It's very common for childhood trauma to result in not feeling "good enough".

Aye with @Catza ... No counselor who had a good grasp of counselling ethics would state someone was a narcissist... They might observe some narcissistic traits had been present in the behaviour you experienced, but that is an observation on a behaviour pattern not a statement of fact as to someone's entire personality.

Also, the 'you are damaged' doesn't sound very constructive, it has an air of finality to it. Surely something like, the scars of your upbringing might be raw and affecting you now, but in time you will be able to limit the power it has over you (or something like that).

People who have had a tough time growing up need to have careful language uses around conversations on the issues, because for some, hearing 'you are damaged' would cause then to feel like damaged goods, or to feel hopeless for any brighter future, or to embody a victim mentality and excuse poor coping mechanisms which holds them back... rather than make them feel empowered and motivated for change by acknowledging the past but also the power to heal and how that the inner torment need not be a static situation, but in fact can be improved.

I don't think your counsellor is right for your needs.

I also suffered ACE and I know that if I went back in time I would have felt validated yes, but also completely hopeless by the way your counsellor is vocalising their opinions.

In reality, I've done a lot of work and am in a day better place now, I would never have believed I could feel as little torment as I do now, I thought my anguish was for forever.

Please look into finding someone who is better equipped to handle your psyche with care.

Does the therapist offer anything constructive?
From your post I would have concerns about her.
"Damaged" sounds very global and permanent.
Also it isn't professional to call your sister a Narcissist on the basis of your description. I'm not disputing your experience with your sister but she shouldn't be diagnosing someone she has never met.
Don't lose heart. With support it's possible to move forward from very difficult experiences. Of course childhood trauma is damaging but healing is possible.

WTF???? They actually said that? To you?

Put in a complaint and don't go back. Find a professional instead of that idiot.

Your "counsellor" diagnosed your sister without ever clapping eyes on her and is feeding your issues instead of enabling you to deal with them: calling you damaged is NOT therapy.

Get rid. People like this should be reported somewhere.

If your therapist had said 'you have been badly hurt' rather than 'you are very damaged', would it have upset you quite so much, do you think?

I'm just wondering whether it's her actual word choice that feels so difficult for you, or whether it's just the fact that it feels unfair that your awful childhood has had such an effect on you.

I'm obviously not a therapist and I genuinely don't know what 'damaged' would typically mean in a therapy setting. Could it be interpreted to mean 'hurt' or 'negatively affected'? I don't know.

Either way - I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time

That's a good point. OP, did the counsellor actually say outright 'your sister is a narcissist' or did she say something like 'it sounds like your sister's behaviour is quite narcissistic' or 'these are narcissistic traits'?

Because yes, no professional should be giving a diagnosis of a personality disorder in someone they've never met - they could only suggest that the behaviour/traits being described have something in common with narcissism.

I thought therapists were suppose to be neutral, as for diagnosing someone she’s never met just on your words alone. Very unprofessional, I’d get a new one. If they’re the bad kind then planting seeds of damage in your head will be beneficial to their bank account in the long run.

Not pointing the finger at you OP but I'm not convinced by this modern trend of branding people as narcissists based on very dubious evidence.

If a professional councillor were to label and call someone damaged, I'd say they weren't doing their job properly. They should certainly make feel supported and mot judged. You actually sound like you really have a better grasp of what and how you're dealing with things, positively, I'd say. Don't go back. Find someone else.

Your therapist doesn’t sound very good. No reputable therapist would say anyone was a narcissist or tell you you were damaged.

Is your therapist a qualified psychologist? Accredited to a recognized organization?
I find it slightly horrifying that in the Uk you can do a course and become a ‘therapist’ or ‘Councellor’ Where I live only qualified accredited psychologists can practise. And even with that there are a few dodgy ones around.

A qualified Therapist would only reflect back “you feel damaged” if you had used that word first

1000000% this. It's a terrible word to choose. You've been through a lot. You deserve a better therapist.

Change your "therapist" for one who is qualified, understands what appropriate boundaries are and has no issues of his/her own. Stop seeing this person who is causing you further harm. Speak to the Samaritans if nobody else is available.

Thank you all so much! You’ve made me feel less shit.

Based on conversations with ,y best friend, a counsellor I've known for about 25 years - I find it inconceivable that they would direct the conversation and use language that would construct such a view - he would normally lead you to the language that you feel appropriate, not put ideas or words into your way of viewing these people and your relationships with them. As a consequence, I find this thread implausible.

I’m with other PPs on this. If you look your therapist up their training credentials should be listed? Is it cbt, psychotherapy? Emdr?

Did the therapy actually say "you are damaged" or "so you feel damaged?"? Fprmer is absolutely not ok.

I feel like I have a dejavou so your therapist has more clients here...

My therapist would never do this. You should find someone else.

Your therapist is crap, time for a new one. She sounds out of her depth and is offloading that on you. You don’t have to take it. Just because she’s out of her depth, it doesn’t mean you haven’t been making progress. You have.

She is not good for you and it seems like you accept less than good treatment, precisely that’s why you are seeing her. Draw your boundaries and stop accepting such treatment from ppl, including her. Find a better one. That’s a step to the right direction.

Find your anger and sack her.