To wonder if your 3/4 year old talks about nursery / school?

[mybluetractor]

DS is 3, nearly 4. He’s attended a nursery since he was 10 months and obviously then I mostly communicated with staff and via the app.

In the final year before school the app isn’t updated. I get a brief verbal handover which is absolutely fine but what is preying on my mind a little bit is how uncommunicative DS is about nursery. I know there have been incidents relating to name calling and I want to address this with the staff but I can’t do much as he simply won’t tell me. He bit another child last week and I told him firmly it was unacceptable and reinforced this message again today but in trying to understand what had happened it was just like talking to a drunk Glaswegian at the bus stop on a Friday night. Rambling and interjections of other observations (horse mummy … neigh) and changing the subject.

It is bothering me a little bit because he’s starting school next year and if he is struggling or if he has problems with any other children I won’t have a clue what’s going on! Is this normal? I know a lot of children do talk about nursery and their friends and DS doesn’t - I don’t even know who the other children are.

Is there anything he does like talking about? For example, does he monologue about his favourite TV program or something?

Thanks. I mostly don’t worry … it’s so hard sometimes though because for instance this morning he’s telling me he doesn’t want to go to nursery and I ask why and he can’t seem to explain. It’s horrible thinking he might be unhappy and unable to tell me for whatever reason!

If I ask my 4 year old what he did all day at nursery I inevitably get "I dunno". I've found certain questions get him talking more - "Did you do anything outside today, or did you stay inside? Oh, and which children were doing that with you? Which grownups were helping you? I know that you had pasta for lunch, was it nice? Did your friends like it too, or did anyone not eat up their lunch?" Etc

Yes, my children struggled with this. I found it helped to model the behaviour even though that is difficult for me as well!

So I sat my daughter down and talked her through MY day. Just tried to include as much detail as I could. It took a bit of time but she is much better at it now and will tell me some things without prodding. My son is getting there too.

Also asking specific questions re lunch, snack, who did you play with etc.

Dw op. Some children are naturally better at it, some just need a bit of practice and behaviour modelling.

Sort of @Mumoftwo1316 I wouldn’t say he monologues as such but he just can’t seem to reciprocate conversation in a way that makes sense! But then he is only 3.

Not communicating his needs is perhaps a bit concerning (I'm no expert, but my DC are very very vocal about their needs!).

Wrt nursery, would he correct you if you said something wrong or funny? So if he brings home a picture of a red rocket, say, would he correct you if you said "<Adult> coloured me such a lovely red rocket today!". Or if they went to the park "I hear you were on an airplane today DS!" sort of thing? Sometimes something ridiculous amuses them.

Have a look on the speech and language UK website, they have a progress checker you can do on there to see if he's where he ought to be.

If you're concerned he's genuinely unhappy at nursery, can you speak to the staff? Not in an accusatory way, but kind of "My DC has suddenly started saying he doesn't want to come in, and it's difficult to know why as he's not very forthcoming about his day at nursery. Is there anything you've noticed?"

It might also help you get a sense of what's normal for children at that nursery in talking about their day. Ours don't use an app but they email round a document every day that shows what the children have done in general, and that's a good jumping-off point for conversations. They say they started doing it because lots of parents said their DC looked blank when asked "what did you do all day?"

No - the ‘wrong’ info doesn’t really work. He will just say yeah to everything. ‘Did you play with Thomas - yeah; did you play with Edie - yeah’ - he didn’t, edie wasn’t there.

@BertieBotts I have but there are nuances to language that a generic sort of website can’t really cover, it’s hard enough trying to explain what I mean on here, to be honest!

@89redballoons thank you, I have, and they always say he’s happy and have to admit he does always seem to be when I pick him up. I suppose my worry is that I need to try to get him used to talking and opening up a bit more as he’s such a closed book in so many respects.

Same situation in this house too. DS will either not reply or say "can't remember". Or he will tell me something daft and I go on the app and see they had a mini zoo in and he's holding a snake

Mine always gave me masses of detail and still does at 9. I know this is unusual though - I was often the only parent in the class aware of various things going on as DS is a huge gossip. Definitely more normal to not report back I think.

My DTs who are the same age are exactly the same as yours! Thank you for the tips on getting them to talk, I’ll try that with mine once they’re back to school.

DD nearly 4 does talk about nursery a lot but often if I ask her at pick up in the car on the way home she doesn't have much to say, but then latter in the day/the next day etc she will talk about things. I feel very much informed about her day/friendships etc. Does he ever have playdates outside of nursery?

Sometimes but most of my friends either work FT or we don’t have synchronised days off, so it’s not frequent - not exactly infrequent either though.

Strangely, I read about it in an article which was describing how police question juvenile witnesses to crimes. More often than not they 'can't remember' information, but they found when police provided them with deliberately incorrect information, then the child would recall more information because they have a stronger instinct to 'be right' rather than to remember. It was very interesting!

Speech therapist here. It’s completely normal for children not to have the narrative/ sequencing/ verbal reasoning skills to not be able to answer questions about things that have happening in the past or will happen in the future until they are around 5.

If your nursery uses tapestry or similar or if he brings home crafts from nursery try showing him a picture or craft as a visual prompt for the conversation. He’s likely to be much more able to talk about things he can see in the moment.

If you want a bit more information look up Blanks Levels of Questions. Answering questions about what happened at nursery is at level 3.

I don't think how your child presents is "incredibly normal". There's a wide range of normal responses and variations, but what OP describes sounds outside those parameters. In view of her feelings of disquiet (which I recognise from my own suspicions when my dc was that age) I would be speaking with the HV and similar services and pushing for assessment. It could be nothing but there's no harm in ruling anything out. Did he have a two-year check with the HV?

A lot of children aren't talkative but they tend to comprehend the back-and-forth of conversation all the same. If he's struggling to find words for an appropriate response to something that's been said to him, I'd want that checked out.

My dc was dx'd with autism and language processing disorder and I try not to see it everywhere, but I think if there are concerns it's worth addressing them so that if there IS an issue, support and intervention can be put in place asap.
@mybluetractor Have you looked at the MCHAT screening questionnaire? Only a rough guide but it could highlight issues that you might not have realised were not usual.

He had a two year check but only in the sense that I filled in the paperwork. There’s definitely nothing there that would mean he’d be assessed and I certainly don’t want to be labelling him at this stage, but it does puzzle me that he is so poor at communicating his needs when he has the verbal ability to state them.

I think they often can't remember at that age if the day was pretty similar to other nursery days. If they do remember they don't necessarily want to discuss so will just tell you they don't. Dd told me a couple of years later she just couldn't be bothered to talk about her day so said she had forgotten.

I’d be happy with ‘I can’t remember’ - it’s the strange changing of subject and rambles that are both frustrating and worrying.

I think I know what you mean because my middle DC is similar, I can't really explain how his communication is different from other children, it just is.

This did flag stuff up for him even when his paediatrician was dismissing everything saying naah it's fine, he's just a boy.

https://progress-checker.speechandlanguage.org.uk/

Dd2 who is 3 talks a lot about pre school but it'll pop out at random times. Dd1 who is 7 says nothing about school, she says she can't remember or I don't know but lives school. She's just a closed book and clearly feels no need to share any stories 😂 just difference in personality I think I wouldn't worry. You'd know if they weren't happy they'd tell you