To still not be over DH’s emotional affair?

[Shianni]

First time posting, my head is a mess and I would appreciate some insight from others. Sorry- it’s a long one.

Start of last year DH took up a new hobby. By summer something was off between us. I couldn’t do anything right, he was snappy and distracted all the time.

So I snooped on his phone- not proud of it but needed to trust my instincts. He was having a very intense friendship with a woman from the hobby group. He’d only ever mentioned her to me in passing. They were messaging multiple times a day, voice notes, ‘hearting’ messages etc. I looked in his search history and found things like ‘how to stop obsessing over someone’

I was devastated and confronted him. He denied anything more than friendship, got really defensive and only accepted it was wrong when I told him I knew about the search history.

Instead of stopping the hobby, he continued. He also changed the passcode on his phone so I couldn’t check his messages. I wish I’d had a backbone at this point but I was suffering with post-natal depression and trying to get medication sorted. I just wanted everything to be okay so I pretended it was and withdrew into myself.

I asked him to cut contact with her but surprise surprise, they’ve been messaging again (on friendly terms, nothing flirtatious and not with the same intensity). I only found this out by asking to see his phone. Again, another heartbroken breakdown from me.

He claims I wasn’t clear about wanting him to have zero contact with her outside of the group: He has now promised to cut contact outside of the group but did not offer to stop going. He claims that because he’s met her husband and children there’s clearly no ill intent. He hints that I’m overreacting about a friendship and it makes me question myself. Am I overreacting?

I’ve struggled so much with this because of my mental health. I’m a first time mum to a toddler that hasn’t slept through the night- ever! I’ve always been a people pleaser in the past and am now in counselling which is helping me to establish self worth and boundaries.

I’m having such a wobble at the prospect of breaking up my child’s family. I just need to draw a line as I can’t keep doing this.

Can I have a handhold please?

I'm sorry you are going through this. You need to leave this man though. He has already started gaslighting you. Best of luck

@Bogginsthe3rd Thank you, that’s what I’m realising.

Firstly so sorry OP. Secondly, I will share from experience on the other side. I made the HUGE and selfish decision to betray my boyfriend ( also DF to my child) a good couple years ago now. I was in a very bad space with him and although I avoided this person I made the mistake with many times before, I let a bad moment pull me in a dark place. It was the worst decision I ever made and I deserved everything I got because I really did destroy the trust and confidence that was there before. However, I have come a long way and a lot of work in myself and me and him did work it out in the end also because of our child and today we are married with more kids. However, I wouldn't even dare repeat those mistakes again and till this day have found it hard to even forgive myself 100%. I don't feel in a place to give advice but just wanted to share that some people do make big mistakes but it takes a lot more than just saying "sorry". Actions always speak louder than words. Wishing you the best x

YADNU
I really feel for you.
Spend time working out your boundaries and tell your dh you will not compromise.
Id want him to drop the hobby group all together after his shenanigans.

@Gifgaf Thank you so much for your insight. A big part of me wants to believe it’s a mistake and we can move on. I really thought we’d grow old together 😥
I need it to be him fighting for me, they way you describe turning things around for yourself.

@Nonononoway Thank you, I also feel this should be the way forward but I also resent having to ask him to stop. I need it to come from him if that makes sense?

Remind him that he is married with a child and committing to you both should be his priority. If he has feelings for another woman that are strong enough to override his willingness to step away from her in order to avoid temptation / test his commitment to you, then you need to see that as evidence that the marriage isn’t strong enough to continue. It sounds like he’s in the grip of something that he’s utterly unwilling to let go of, even for the sake of you and your child, which is causing him to try to minimise it by claiming she’s insignificant. Well, the search history for ‘obsessing’ tells you everything you need to know. Meeting her husband and kids proves nothing - it’s likely he did it to satisfy his curiosity about who she was with. Bugger all to do with proving she’s a friend.

That's why I say actions speak louder than words. Someone who cheats is usually because something is wrong with them and not with you. What bugs me a little is the fact he needed you to be clear about not speaking with this OW again, that should be the case regardless. In my experience, I was working with this person but when everything broke out, I left that job because I knew my partner wouldn't be able to mentally take me in the same building. I really did do everything in my power to make sure there was no interaction ever again! If he truly loves you and is sorry and wants to save the family you have together, he needs to do more and fight for you and your child. It's extremely hard when kids are involved but in this case, if he can't cut the communication without you being clear then it makes me wonder if it's even really over at least in his head. I don't want to make you feel any worse but sometimes you have to ask yourself the hard questions.

@WigglyVonWaggly Thank you, you’ve articulated the exact feeling I have about it.

Why is he so drawn to her at the risk of our relationship and family? I asked him the first time to really consider this.

Our relationship hasn’t been perfect and dealing with PND means I haven’t been a great partner but I was willing and am working so hard on that. He hasn’t taken that accountability or done the deeper reflection.

@Gifgaf thank you again for your insightful points. I’ve honestly have felt just pathetic waiting so long for those kinds of actions. Waiting him to fight for me and us. I’m hoping this this the catalyst for change. Thank you.

Even though it's very unsettling to see that someone is googling how to stop obsessing about someone, people do occasionally develop crushes that they wish they could control. We've seen a few cases of that here, where someone is trying to stop crushing on someone - I wouldn't hold that against someone necessarily.

However, I don't think he's that bothered about putting good distance between them. He's clearly not concerned about you leaving him. Otherwise he would have offered to stop going to the group and stopped messaging her for good, by himself. He's seeing how much you'll tolerate, and is flying a bit too close to the flame.

Lack of trust is incredibly corrosive. Like an ink-drop of poison contaminating water. He either he doesn't realise that, or he doesn't care that much. That would concern me as much as the messaging.

I believe men are often emboldened to behave this way when they know their other half won't or can't leave them, because they have small children to take care of.

He needs a short sharp shock. I'm prone to crushes that can develop into emotional affairs if I don't check myself. My love for my DH and terror of him being hurt and of losing him keeps me in check. I think your DH needs a wakeup call that he could lose you here. He's taking you for granted. As pp have said though, it's not about you, it's about him trying to fill a void. That void might have always been there, or maybe he's struggling with the transition to parenthood. Either way it's not acceptable behaviour and he won't get over the crush unless he stops seeing her and cuts contact completely

Handhold

• This is extremely disrespectful to you and your little family
• All communication needs to ends with this woman
• He needs to practise his hobby elsewhere
• He needs to support you OP, you sound like you’re really struggling
• He needs to realise he needs to build trust with you again after behaving so badly.

I’ve also had crushes that could develop further, including one intense emotional affair. We stopped ourselves and pretty much went cold turkey. Then I worked on my relationship with DH and it’s really good again. It was honestly a wobble.
i think I’d ask your DH to cut contact and stop the hobby as he can’t be trusted to do the hobby and not have feelings for her. If he can’t, he’s telling you something really. He needs to stop

@EarthSight Thank you for your response. It was a bit difficult but necessary for me to hear. Really made me think.

In the past I’ve always put his happiness before my own and never really had firm boundaries. (Sadly I was following the example of my parents relationship.)

It feels like now that I’m standing up for myself he’s almost surprised by it? Like you said, the mistrust is corrosive and it is eating away at me. I refuse to continue living like this.

@Newnamesameoldlurker thank you, it reassuring to think of it as a ‘him’ problem as my self confidence has not been high.

I agree that there’s a reason for this behaviour and that he really needs to work on it for us to survive as a couple. I appreciate your insight.

@Twistybranch thank you, you’ve validated a lot of what I’m feeling.

@DGPP You make a good point about asking him to stop and seeing the response. I think that will be a bit of a decider. Thank you.

He should be prioritising his relationship with you OP. He should be supporting you through your PND - you have given birth to his baby for heaven's sake.
He should be cutting contact with this woman, including changing his hobby group. If he is not prepared to do that OP he is showing you this woman is more important to him than you.
I'm so sorry OP but he has not behaved and is not behaving in an appropriate way for a married man.

If he won't cut contact fully and cut the hobby and go to counselling then he is the one who has ended the relationship, not you, so you should feel zero guilt for calling time

And as a mum who ended up single with a non sleeping toddler - it will be fine, I promise. Hard, but also amazing

@Shianni 💐

Much like the previous poster, I was also in a very intense friendship at work- I think I would have called it an emotional affair. It went on for months and there was no confession of feelings (but it was obvious there was a “spark”) and nothing physical, but it was very intense and was a betrayal on my relationship. I was seeking attention from this man and confiding in him- it was inappropriate.

I told my DH everything and he was understandably very upset. The man at work crossed a line and tried to get me to leave DH. That was the wake up call for me then- it was the stupidest mistake I’ve ever made and it made me wonder how I could ever put my relationship at risk. I put strict boundaries in place and only spoke to him for a few more weeks in a work capacity and then I cut any conversation out altogether- deleted and blocked his number and social media accounts (I was in the process of moving jobs so this was easier).

This was almost 3 years ago and I’ve worked damn hard to earn DHs trust again, and I have always let him know how sorry and how stupid I was. I still feel really sick with guilt about my actions. I worked so hard to listen to DHs concerns and put in 100% more effort into supporting him and being affectionate with him- just trying to be a better wife really.

He should be listening to you OP and validating how you feel. He needs to work hard to show he’s there for you.

My DH has had two affairs. After the first we came back stronger, he was my dream man for a few years. It was glorious and I would have told you that the change in him was so dramatic that it was worth the horrendous emotional pain. Then without any problems at home, he did it again. We are still married but it's forever changed now.

I probably should add that I now believe once a cheater always a cheater. I have no advice (I am in no position to provide any), but I now think that if your partner shows you once how little they value you and all you have built together, take it on board. At least then you have your eyes open to reality.

He also changed the passcode on his phone so I couldn’t check his messages.

I asked him to cut contact with her but surprise surprise, they’ve been messaging again

He claims I wasn’t clear about wanting him to have zero contact with her outside of the group.

He changed his passcode that says it all. He knew he wasn't supposed to be messaging her still. If he wants to work on the marriage and not put it in jeopardy then he needs to stop gaslighting.