To not say anything when thinking my mum is having affair

[2kidsnewstart]

I am currently away with my mum and dad and my 2 kids. 4 nights.

For the past year or so my mum has developed a friendship with a man from a support group but on this trip I've realised they talk all the time.

Messaging all day and long phone calls every evening. Currently listening to her shrieking with laughter in the room next door on the phone to him while I sit with my dad watching telly. Kids are asleep.

For various significant reasons from my youth I am not and don't wish to be emotionally close with my mum so I don't feel I can get involved / ask about it or what her relationship with him actually is (and would not like her giving her opinions on my life). My dad also keeps his cards close to his chest and I don't think would like me talking about it.

But I can't help but think just how batshit it all is and how weird my family is.

Anyone have a similar set up? I'm going to go to bed soon to avoid the awkwardness.

Don’t say anything.

YANBU don’t say anything. If your dad was expressing concern or you were very close with your mum, fine, but you don’t know what’s going on and if your dad wanted to know he would probably be asking. I don’t see any good coming from questioning your mum over it. If it turns out she is, then you deal with it, you support your dad you hear your mum out for her reasons. As is, it’s not your relationship so if neither of them is raising a problem, don’t raise one for them.

maybe it is just a friendship?

Call me old fashioned & extreme but there isn't a good enough reason why a married man/or woman would sit giggling away with opposite gender while they're other half is sat listening to it in another room. People have gone too soft in relationships and that's why they fail and people are too comfortable cheating. Friendships work best when both husband and wife are friends with them.

I wouldn't say anything OP as most are advising. I was also in a difficult position when my sister told me she was talking to another man. However, in her marriage her husband has completely pushed her away in many ways. However, I couldn't say anything and told my sister to end it, which she told me she has but I am not convinced as I've seen her smirk away and message but she deletes them. It's hard but I don't feel compelled to get involved and tell anyone but I can only advise her that it's wrong and I think it may be worth mentioning to your mum at least.

How awkward for you. I agree with others. I’d say nothing and let it play out. It’d be different if you had a very close and open relationship with her. I remember my lonely mum doing something similar when I was very young and my emotionally repressed dad eventually put his foot down and made her end it.

I’d find this unsettling too, OP. It’s odd that it’s happening so openly but your dad isn’t reacting. I think there are only a few scenarios where a man would put up with his wife spending their holiday spending on the phone texting & calling another bloke. 1) the bloke is gay and therefore seems totally ‘safe’. 2) the bloke is really, really unattractive so the husband (rightly or wrongly) finds him totally unthreatening. 3) the husband and wife have an open relationship which isn’t known about. 4) the marriage is so rock solid the husband just doesn’t worry about other guys. 5) the affair is obvious and the husband suspects but hasn’t confronted it.

Only you know them all enough to know which is most likely. I’d stay out of it though. Although they are your parents, this is in plain sight of your dad and it’s his marriage and him that needs to decide if he needs to confront this. I’d probably tell my mum that I found her being on the phone all the time to someone who wasn’t my dad a bit odd, though.

I'd have to say something regardless. It's bloody rude to be chatting on the phone in another room all evening when you are on holiday with your daughter. And if it was your teen for example messaging on their phone all day I'm sure you'd say something. No difference in this case.

Hope it doesn't spoil the holiday for you.

This is insanity. I have two best friends botb male.. Of course I am respectful to their wives and vice versa but am I seriously not allowed to talk to my friend or laugh with them because we’re opposite genders?! Seriously like is every man you come across a potential sexual partner? I mean surely if you aren’t into them, they’re no “risk” to your relationship?

long and short of it is that if you’d cheat, it’s as likely to be with someone who was new to your life than a friend.

the op’s mum is just being disrespectful because it’s constant and too much - so much so her daughter thinks she’s having an affair. Sounds like if it was a woman it would be enough contact youd suspect something was going on too. It’s nothing to do with what sex you are, it’s about appropriateness. And it sounds like OP’s mum is pushing the line

Like I said it may seem old fashioned and extreme to some. However, I fully stand by my point. As a married person, you have no business having besties of opposite genders. Every couple is different and IF your wife/or husband is ok with that and they do the same thing then do whatever works for your marriage. However, if your OH expresses discomfort at your friendship, then that other "friendship" needs to come to an end.

It's none of your business. Keep out of it. Your Dad can deal with it if he doesn't like it.

Thank God this sort of view IS now old fashioned. Life is so much richer and happier for it.

I would ask my dad if he’s comfortable with the friendship mum has with the other bloke.

I'm not going to say anything. It doesn't inspire me to go away with them again!

Well…I guess I agree with you in some sense. If there was indeed somehthing inappropriate about a friendship and a husband/wife expressed unease I would certainly agree that the friendship should be put on ice. But if there was nothing legitimately inappropriate about the relationship and the husabnd/wife was just uneasy because of a friendship with someone with opposite genitalia…well no that’s ludicrous.

also, I’m bi. So what do you do in that case? should I just have no friends in case my husband thinks I’m going to flit off with them?

I think respect is the most important thing.I’m very lucky to have that in my relationship.

Personally I find it disrespectful. However, it works for some and for some others it doesn't. Really depends on what rocks your boat. Marriage is important and should be a priority over anyone/ anything. These boundaries should also be discussed prior to settling down. Couples having other couple friends are different but your husband/wife going out solo and overly sharing and seeking comfort to someone else, is pure wrong in my eyes. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well I assume your Dad isn't deaf, and can hear too. It's uo to him to deal with it, if he's unhappy.