To be reluctant about long term commitment because I own my home?

[FaithD]

Five years ago I was able to buy a 2 bed flat outright using a mix of savings and an inheritance. Not having to rent has been amazing.

My partner of a year currently rents and is looking at buying a small holiday home in his home country (where it is much cheaper to buy more spacious homes in good locations). He says he may well be up for buying a house here in the UK too but he needs to get settled status first - which he can do later this year.

As I start to think about the long term, I realize that 1) if we have kids where would they live and how would we manage it? 2) I actually love having my own property asset and don't fancy giving it up in marriage for example.

I know that probably isn't the popular opinion?! Interested to hear thoughts about this could work...

Personally I'd never have kids either someone from a different country. Far too complicated if you split up.

I'm such a romantic...

Loads of advice I'm sure will come from others regarding protecting your home.

We have two properties. One his where we live and one mine (abroad) which will be sold in spring and I will buy a small house locally. I have no plans to join assets. We can be flexible about where we live, mine or his, but I have no plans to buy anything “together” and neither does he, as far as I know.

You need to have a conversation with him about how each of you sees your future. It’s fine for you to not want marriage and children, but you should probably make sure he knows that if you’re both at at stage of life where it could reasonably be expected.

@Catza do you mind me asking if you have kids?

Or just the two of you

Not joint kids either 😂. But yes, we have a teen living with us.

@TinyYellow Yes I'm planning to have that talk soon but first need to get my own head in order about what could work!

I think having kids with someone from another country could be tricky, especially if they already know they want to return there. There are some countries of origin that would be a deal breaker altogether. You'll have to have many discussions about each of your expectations and ideas for the future.

@Aquamarine1029 he hasn't said he wants to return for sure. He might never return. But he does want to spend more time with family and rent the holiday place out.

From my point of view we won't be moving there and having kids at the start because I theory I'd want to have my first in next few years and we have serious jobs here in the UK as well as ties. We will need to have kids here first and will need to live in a property in those early years. So how is that going to work?

You're right that it will take a lot of discussion!

How is he getting settled status? Is that anything to do with being with you?

Honestly, until they legalise prenups there's no way in hell I'm marrying.

Watched my friends lose so much to lazy exes who ripped them off.

So if marriage is what you mean by commitment then I wouldn't, for fear of losing half my house if we split up.

I also wouldn't have kids to someone in a country that disrespects women and/or where my partner could kidnap my kids to.

There are so many threads about don't give up your job and be a sahm as you'll lose out in the end so I'd be wary of doing that also.

@DeliciousApples yes I suppose I do partially mean marriage. I mean how on earth do I say - look I don't want to get married because I want my home to stay mine?!

Just so it's part of the conversation, he comes from one of the best countries in Europe according to the stats every year. But I know there are implications.

Right now for this thread I want to figure out where we would live in the UK with me owning and him renting if we started a family.

Other than the property, being able to call him my husband sounds really lovely and appealing. But there is a consequence.

I suppose you can always have kids without marrying ( a crime on MN). Once they are older, it’s not so much of an issue that parent’s aren’t married. If he is open to buying a property here, you can live at his and let your place or live at yours.. depends on what is cheaper and more practicable. Are you, in theory, open to idea of him living at yours? I think it is tricky to think this far ahead if you don’t even live together at the moment.

Just to add, my friend had a flat when she married her boyfriend. She had a pre-nap with clearly separated finances. 20 years and two kids later, she just bought another property and he only owns 10% of it. But, again, they lived together before marrying. You don’t. You may find that you can’t stand his guts two weeks after moving in with him. It often happens.

Secure your existing assets before marriage, he should do the same. Any property you buy to live in together with children would be split should you divorce.

Right now for this thread I want to figure out where we would live in the UK with me owning and him renting if we started a family.

Hang on, I'm confused - it sounds like you're saying you want to start a family while living in separate houses? Is that what you're saying?

If you don't want to merge assets but do want to start a family, could you not just buy as tenants in common, each owning a specified share? You'd still have to sell up (or buy him out) in the event of a split, but there's no getting round disruption once you split and have kids.

If you want to have your first in the next few years then what are your plans if you split? That doesn't leave a whole lot of time to meet someone new and get settled enough to have kids. I mean I guess I'm just saying you need to do some soul searching!

What do you mean sorry @Edenmum2 ?

I hope we won't split but I don't know what choice I would have but to move on.

I hate how women have to worry about their bio clock in a way that men just don't.

keep your property. You don’t have to marry. You could say you don’t believe in it?
you could just say you don’t need to get married?
he could move in with you, set up a joint account and you both put an amount in for bills/childcare etc (this would be more for him if/when you have kids).
keep your own accounts and the mortgage and any house renovation money comes out of your account. So he can’t say he has paid towards the flat (check legalities of this).

if you do have kids together and don’t marry, stay working (part time?) he increases the amount of money he puts towards bills so you can add money to your pension (as your career will take a hit for childcare/mat leave/working part time)

or as pp suggests buy a house together 50/50 and then you may have to sell if you split but you’ll get 50/50.

work out your work situation and finances as if you will split - if you stay together forever he will still benefit from you having saved for your pension and kept your career etc

im not married and have kids we are 50/50 on the house I work part timeand he pays more financially so I can save/pension plan etc

people say it’s not romantic and it’s cynical and oh will never cheat etc but knowing I’m financially secure and he has no qualms about supporting our family financially means our relationship is very secure and feels safe to me which means it does feel romantic.

Agree!

Yes definitely, it's really shit! It's just that I wanted kids in my early 30's but i didn't manage to fall pregnant until I was 38 after 5+ years of trying. I'm now 40 and would love another but as you say time is ticking...

Not saying at all that it will be the same for you but you might need to consider it. Of course you don't have to get married to have kids, but it is a bigger commitment in the long run. If you want him to be the father of your children then don't let all the house stuff get in the way. They are always ways round it. Just try and figure out how you feel about the relationship.

Not that big a deal. Have babies, don't get married. OR get married and sign a prenuptial agreement - while not enforceable on the face of it, a court will give it a lot of weight, especially as it's an asset you owned for so long before marriage.

What country OP? You're unlikely to be recognised.

Just don't marry him. The children of parents with different nationalities have their mother's domicile when they're children.

I have to say I find your post very presumptuous. I rent but I earn good money - I don't need anyone to support me. My partner owns his own outright. I'd be insulted if he thought I'd want to deprive him of his grotty little house.

@AnOldCynic I'm pretty offended by that, as an immigrant to the UK, someone tell my poor English DH what a mistake he's made LOL. That being said, long term intentions are very relevant. If he in any way fantasizes about going back home then yes, cut your losses. If he's settled in the UK and wants a life here, all good. But you could say that about a lot of things!! I know an English couple that broke up because one wanted to move abroad for a career and the other didn't!

I don’t think wanting to call him your husband is a compelling enough reason to get married, when set against your totally sensible desire to protect your financial security.

You own the property outright, so it’s just bills you need to split. That should be 50-50 unless there is a big disparity in income. Any significant work on the property is paid for by you.

If he wants his own financial security he can invest the money he is not paying on rent or mortgage (once his share of bills and childcare is paid of course) to secure his future.

As you’ve bought the flat outright then I think you’re in a more fortunate position.

If you ever were to move in together in the future then you could keep your flat but rent it out and buy somewhere together.
So you’ll always have that as your back up (and the rent from it could get to pay your new mortgage too).

There may be an issue if you were to get married and then divorce but this is something I would look into before agreeing to marry.

Well done for being so sensible OP.