To want to live independently?

[worrying48923]

Hi everyone. I’m a single mum of one DS3 in my mid twenties of SE Asian descent. I live with my parents in their house and am very fortunate to be financially supported by my father. My parents help with my son, he is bounced between the 3 of us but I do all of his caretaking, he spends a majority of the time with me and he goes to preschool.
I’ve not been working yet as my son is young and I am trying to switch fields from what I studied in university, it is taking time to gain the relevant experience (I volunteer at the moment to get this). I have applied and interviewed for jobs but have not been successful.

My issue is between my mother and I, we have friction and she basically makes it known that she sees me and likely my son as a burden. She is usually irritated with me and has called me lazy, “fat cow”, and ill-tempered etc. I understand it wasn’t in my parents’ plans to have me move back in with them after my divorce. My father on the other hand is happy to have us, takes pride in providing for me (in his own words) and would be very worried about us if I were to live on my own with my son.

It has always been my plan to live independently and the idea is becoming more pertinent as the friction between my mum and I increases. I also feel like I won’t grow or mature as a person in my comfort zone. The current things holding me back are the lack of employment, lack of driving ability (I’ve failed 4 tests and have my 5th booked, here’s hopeful) and just my ability to handle my son on my own. He is an extra handful and frequently upset bless him, so having family around to share the load or babysit if I need to go out is extremely helpful.

AIBU to want to move out, or should I continue to take advantage of the immense support from my father? Is the independence and not being a burden worth the stress of trying to stay afloat financially and live on my own? I will probably land jobs in the 25-30kpa range once I start working full time.

Also, if I were to move out and live in a flat, would neighbours be worried about the amount of crying and shouting my son does? Thankfully it’s slowly reducing as he’s getting older but I’m genuinely concerned about this sometimes.

Oh, sweetheart. That all sounds so hard! I’m very sorry you’re dealing with all that.

YANBU to want to live independently. Not at all. However, if you’re unable to comfortably support yourself or manage your son alone, it might be hard going.

@ThatTealViewer Thank you very much for your kind words :-)

I think get together a plan for moving out, first you’ll need a job and if you can drive that will help. You may find his behaviour improves with less adults as it can be hard to stick to routine and rules when grandparents are involved.

OP would your DM perhaps be happier if you moved out, and therefore still be on hand to babysit and help out when necessary. It sounds like your DF would be happy to, and maybe you and your DM only argue because you're now a grown woman in HER house, IYSWIM?

@FranceIsWhereItsAt Yes I totally get that. If I were on my own I would have started full time work and moved out yesterday. I think things would definitely improve with my mum if I were to get out of her domain.

@Zanatdy Yeah I've thought if it were just him and I he would have no choice but to comply. It must be a bit confusing for him for mum to be in charge of him but not in charge of the house.

Sorry, forgot to say, with regard to your son's shouting, etc., I wouldn't worry about that too much, as if you need to live in a flat, and be close to other neighbours, then you expect a certain amount of noise. Sadly, there are those that will make a big thing of ANY noise from children, but in reality, you're just as entitled to live alone with your child, as anyone else.

I note that you believe things with your DM would be easier if you moved out, so I would aim to get a new job and learn to drive a.s.a.p. I recommend you keep trying with your driving, as this will open up more possibilities on the job front. Can your DF take you out to get more practice? Then in the meantime, keep going for interviews. As you haven't been offered anything, do you feel you're doing something wrong? Do you need help with your CV perhaps, or is it that you suffer from nerves, I ask this because of the failure to pass your driving test too?

Don't be scared to be independent OP, both you and your child will benefit from this.

Your son is still little and will adjust as long as he has you. First you must get a job and try again to pass your driving test. Then find somewhere to live but near to your parents so you can drop regularly and they can look after their grandson sometimes.

It will take a bit of time but can be done. Talk to your father about it and he may offer you help in securing a decent place to live, when everything else is in place.

Good luck to you both. You are working hard doing voluntary work to give you experience. You're well educated, determined and I think all will be well when the time is right.

@FranceIsWhereItsAt Thanks for your reply. In terms of where I'm going wrong on the job front, I think my CV looks okay, though all my experience isn't very transferable to what I want to do. I do suffer from lack of confidence and jitters. When it comes to driving it's just nerves again as my instructors have said I am a good driver. I second guess myself so much in every facet of my life, hence why I am here posting on the internet asking strangers opinions on my plans, haha

@LBFseBrom I think the adjustment will be difficult but it's for the best to be honest. Thank you for your kind encouragement

Your son will be starting school next September, which will make things so much easier.

I would aim to move out next year a couple of months before or after your DS starts school (to give him time to settle).

In the meantime I would get a FT job and put your DS in nursery (I believe they get free hours at age 3).

Focus on passing your test and saving as much money as you can.

Living on your own, working FT and being a single parent is challenging and so the more you can do now, the easier you will find it.

If you are out of the house for 9 hours a day/5 days a week, you and your mum will have less chance to clash.

You could start by getting a PT job for now, 2 or 3 days a week and then work up to being FT.